Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Rage Against Unc!

As you know, for many years Unc has held the Badgertown Singing Competition - as a means to control the music industry. Every year the winning artist releases an insipid song at Christmas that goes straight to Number 1 - lining the coffers of Unc's record company.

This year we have Joe Badger's awful rendition of "I'll be back in my burrow for Christmas!"

We at the Badfort Crowd urge you to support the Christmas Number One - 2009 campaign and buy our release instead - "Workin' in the name of" (the fat tyrant of Homeward).

Workin’ in the name of!
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses


Workin’ in the name of!
Workin’ in the name of

And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
But now you do what Unc told ya
Well now you do what Unc told ya

Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!
Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!

Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses

Workin’ in the name of!
Workin’ in the name of

And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control (7 times)
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya!

Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!
Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!
Down with Unc!

Yeah! Down with Unc!

Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Andy 'Digger' Badger guilty of bullying

Extract from the 'Badfort News':

The former editor of the 'Homeward Gazette', Andy 'Digger' Badger, has been revealed to have led a culture of bullying at the newspaper.

Matt Badger, a sports reporter who was sacked while on long-term sick leave for burrow depression has been awarded a payout of £500 by an employment tribunal.

It is now apparent that Andy 'Digger' Badger wanted to "get shot" of him.

'Digger' earned his nickname for his tenacious desire to dig the dirt on Mister Hateman and his followers here at Badfort.

He was forced to resign from the 'Homeward Gazette' following the discovery that he had been tapping the phones of the Badfort Revolutionary Front.

We asked Mister Hateman for his opinion on the news:

"It comes as no surprise to me, after all, he worked for the bully bounder dictator of Homeward - Unc the Tyrant!. What should concern us all is the fact that 'Digger' is now the head of communications for Dave 'Smiley' Badger's campaign to be elected Mayor of Badgertown! What dirty tricks can we expect from this psychopath!"

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Ragged Sack-clothed Philanthropists

The Ragged Sack-clothed Philanthropists

An excerpt from an editorial by Hitmouse in The Badfort News.

We have had reports of an inflammatory speech by the King of the Badgers. As usual, Unc, the arch Boaster of Homeward, has been propping up the outmoded royalist regime of the ruler of Badgertown. He always has his hand out for dosh from the fat tyrant.

We asked Mister Hateman, leader of the Badfort Revolutionary Front for his comments:

"Here at Badfort, as you know, we are busy with our new projects for the people. The new Black Tom Distillery is nearing completion, The Scob Fish Smoking Factory is meeting the Five Year Plan and the People's Casino is raking it in!

This is the true nature of Philanthropy - we take from the workers and give back to the workers - more or less. So in our simple sack cloth garments we are the true philanthropists! Not that overbearing dictator sitting on his throne in Homeward.

Never fear, he will be defeated and from the ruins of the capitalist system will surely grow a glorious co-operative commonwealth, run by me - Citizen Hateman.

Free Black Tom for all! From the long night of drinking a light will shine throughout the happy world - the rays of the risen sun of socialism!

Don't worry! If it still all seems a little hazy some hair of the dog will do the trick!"

Friday, November 13, 2009

Rubbish Xmas Ad!

Look at this rubbish ad Cheapman has put on the telly for inflatable Unc's for Christmas!

The old tyrant will be furious!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Captain Revolution

My followers is always saying that I am a real superhero - so I fort I would have a costume made for me.

I am going to call myself Captain Revolution and as always I will fight for truth, justice and the proletarian revolution!

This is an artist mock-up of me standing in front of the skyscrapers of Homeward ready to do battle with Unc the capitalist tyrant!

What you fink? It make a nice change from sack cloth but it a bit tight on my bottom.

I am finking of getting either Dave Gibbons or best of all Leo Baxendale to draw my adventures!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

All Lies

As usual, Unc is blowing his own trumpet and telling porky pies again.

Oir esteemed citizen, Mr Laurence Goatsby never poisoned Unc's rubbish drinking fountains.

Having heard of the disgraceful state Unc had left then in he merely took a small keg of disinfectant to clean then up and make them usable again.

When he arrived on his errand of mercy he found the Dictator waiting for him. The latter made some offensive remarks and Mr Goatsby quietly tried to leave.

He was at once surrounded by a menacing crowd, some of them bearing lethal weapons.

In an effort to escape with his life, Mr Goatsby unfortunately tripped and fell into the fountain reservoir, and suffered shock and a severe cold.

The insinuation that he was trying to blackmail the dwarfs into paying protection money by poisoning the water is a lie typical of Unc the fierce fat fool of Gangster Castle!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The power of twits

Thats what I like to see - the power of democrasy!

All you need to do is enlist some help from the twitterati!

Litrally millions have used #downwithunc to express their abhorrence of the behaviour of the tyrant of Homeward.

Soon, he shall hang his head in shame and go back to the jungle where he belong!

Freedom! Revolution! Anarchy!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Unc's brother - violent past revealed

Baboon takes revenge on restaurant critic, Rudolph

We have uncovered extracts from the diary of Unc's brother Rudolph.

In recent years he has attempted to disguise the disgraceful incidents of his past, as a big-game hunter, with a new career as a restaurant critic and an expert in wilderness bushcraft and survival.

These extracts reveal his cruelty to musk-ox, wolves, grizzlies and in particular - ghosts.

"April 2nd. I am now in the celebrated Despair Valley. I have little hope of ever getting out. Over my head tower great cliffs of basalt. My last ration of dried musk-ox is lying at my feet...not scores, but hundreds of wolves are moving stealthily up. I string my crossbow. I have just one bolt left....I find that I have one small duck bomb, preserved from a previous visit to Homeward. I hurl the bomb at the laeder of the pack. It bursts and covers him with a yellow fluid which sends out a curious smell. He grows suspicious, and raps with his foot on the ground. It is the signal for retreat. The other wolves slink away. The leader of the pack tries to do so, but the glue-like fluid makes him a prisoner. Moving away from me are no less than nine hundred wolves. Scanty would have been my chance, if they had come on."

"April 19th. Shot three grizzlies before breakfast."

"April 20th. Cross Never-Never Creek which the Indians say is unfordable at this time of year"

"April 22nd. Anger of a ghost: I have shot so many things that I began to think that there was nothing else for me to shoot, but today I think I even frightened a ghost."

Monday, October 26, 2009

Spotter cards: What they look like and how they work

This kind of highly confidential document – pictured above – is rarely seen by the public.

These so-called "spotter cards" are issued by the Badgertown police to identify individuals they consider to be potential troublemakers.

A is our very own good citizen - Beaver Hateman.

Asked why it was justifiable to put Hateman, on this card, the Badgertown police replied:

"He is a known troublemaker - he is always making crude remarks about our great benefactor - Uncle!"

But Hateman has been acquitted of criminal damage, larceny, robbery, libel, blackmail, kidnapping, boot-legging and every trumped up charge that Unc has laid against him.

"If he pays us, too, like he do the judges - then we will remove his picture" remarked one badger, as an aside, when confronted with this invasion of privacy.

An official spokesman announced "This is an appropriate tactic used by the Badgertown police to help them identify people who are known instigators of offences and disorder."

Why, we asked, is the comedian Phil Jupitus amongst the "trouble-makers" pictured?

"He is a known supporter of Beaver Hateman and clearly a red under the bed - as disclosed in the Biased BBC blogspot!" came the reply.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A riposte to Unc!

Once more, Unc has baled out the capitalist hegemony!

In his address today
there is little comfort for the hard pressed citizens of his castle.

Once more, the people of Homeward must suffer as the bankers of Badgertown reward themselves with sky-high bonuses - looked on approvingly by Unc as he quaffs another glass of champagne!

In what sense, we may ask, are we living in a democracy?

With the arch boaster and tyrant of Homeward ruling by cynical exploitation of the workers?

I say to those disillusioned by Unc's ill treatment of the masses, do not be afraid, join us, come back! Youse had your anti-communist fun, and you is pardoned for it - time to get down to some serious partying!

No more toiling for the pachyderm on high - lets have another round of Black Tom!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Unc blows his own trunk - again!

The arch boaster of Homeward is at it again!

In a pathetic attempt to get down with the people he has been twitting about wot he is wearing on his lapel everyday!

Not for him mere badges tho - no he has used the opportunity to show of his medals wot he earned by kowtowing to the so-called great and good!

Pass the sick bag! - this is the kind of blatant propaganda we are subjected to by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation everyday!

It is time that this Unc-biased broadcaster be exposed!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Super Injunction over Hoax!

LAST month a certain pachyderm obtained a high court injunction to prevent a certain newspaper from publishing a certain document. More than that we could not say; to do so was fraught with danger.

THE BADFORT NEWS was the first publication to print the full text of the now infamous Badgertown Town Council question, tabled by councillor Sigismund Hateman, which the tyrant of Homeward and his lawyers, Badger-Bunk, were trying to suppress.

The Councillors’s questions reflected widespread concern at the increasing prevalence of Uncle's secret “super-injunctions” which muzzle the press, and questions that had arisen over Unc's Celebratory Balloon Flight over Badgertown - commemorating the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward.

After publication of the questions themselves in THE BADFORT NEWS, Beaver Hateman, the magazine’s editor, said: “There is an emerging culture of Unc getting away with doing whatever he likes. I think THE BADFORT NEWS's job is to expose this. That is why I decided to publish the councillor’s questions as the first item in the Unc bashing column of THE BADFORT NEWS."

Those Council questions in full…

Sigismund’s question that Unc and his lawyers didn’t want published, claiming that to do so would be in contempt of court? Here it is in full:

"Sir, We at Badfort have been informed by our scientific advisor, Professor Hootman, that the whole of the populace of Badgertown were put at risk by Unc's balloon flight over it! The balloons were quite small and it is clear that his enormous weight could have fallen at any time onto our fair town! Is it not time for the tryant of Homeward to be restrained from these publicity seeking misadventures?"

We can now, exclusively, reveal that Badgertown was never in any danger as the entire balloon flight was a hoax!

Whilst being interviewed for TV, on the subject of the danger associated with his flight, he let slip "I was just a stuffed dummy you know"

The boastful bounder of Homeward unmasked!

"It was always clear that such small balloons could never support the gargantuan physique of Unc" remarked Hootman.

It would appear that driven by ego and fame Unc has, once more, mastermined another publicity stunt.

Of course, the tyrant denies it all.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Uncle's Big Bash

Uncle's Big Bash

By Badfort News Star Investigative Reporter: Hitmouse

What a spectacle! So much so that even the host was heard to sigh under his breath: 'Oh my goodness I hope the populace of Homeward don't find this too excessive in the current economic climate?'

Yes, Uncle's party, to celebrate the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward, was excessive and in riotously poor taste. There were lavish fireworks, magnums of champagne, scob fish in tanks in the loos and canapés of ham and bananas.

So what went on at Uncle's star-studded party on Saturday night? The guests were certainly a dishevilled bunch when they left.


Guests arriving at Homeward, were greeted by an enormous image of Uncle projected 60ft high across the castle walls. He was surrounded by a purple and yellow lightshow, wishing him great wealth and happiness; in the best possible taste, naturally.


Waiters at the reception wore Uncle masks, and tablecloths featured Uncle's silhouette, printed onto the fabric. Wallpaper in the venue was specially designed with Uncle's head. One guest said: 'There was an Uncle theme, you might call it Uncle-centric.'

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Three)

In the loos, a video film ran on a continuous loop with various A-listers singing Uncle's praises and wishing him a Happy Anniversary. Barack Obama, Gordon Brown and the Ferret Princess were among the absentees paying tribute. There was, of course, a framed picture of Uncle in every stall, too.


The main marquee was painted with a pastiche Michelangelo fresco, with You- Know-Who's face everywhere, gazing down at the party-goers beneath him.


Like a supper club - lots of purple. Purple tablecloths, purple suede menus, purple roses, and huge chandeliers.


Three dwarfs brought round trays of mangworts, otherwise the canapés were retro and traditional - smoked python whiffet triangles, slices of dried goats' flesh, sausage cocktail on a bed of beetroot and miniature Scander puddings with roast beef inside.


There was a circus theme with dozens of dancers, acrobats and a juggler.

This was followed by Cowgill's niece, Eva, singing a particularly soppy song in praise of Unc!

It was that kind of party.


Unc likes fancy food, and didn't it show? Guests sat down to a bowl with the letters UNCLE in alphabet spaghetti.

Waiters then brought around a tureen of 'Uncle's soup' a traditional broth, which was poured over pasta. Main courses were a choice of either Cheese Spigot Pie (which was served with Uncle piped in mash) or Spottles and chips.

Afterwards a trio of puddings were served: Rankle crumble, Juba Jelly pudding and rice pudding, with jam or custard on the side if desired.

Finally, there was a huge cake built like a castle with a passage through it. You walked through the cake, and cut slices with your knife!

All very beautifully made and expensively presented, Unc's idea of the height of sophistication.


Not surprisingly, there was none! Not a tankard of Black Tom in sight! Lemonade cocktails was all that was on offer!

Everyone seemed to enjoy the hospitality, and Unc spent much of his night tablehopping and glad-handing as if he was a politician needing to be elected rather than a despotic tyrant!


Unc's U-shaped top table was decorated with two giant statues of himself.

He sat in the centre flanked by his cronies.

Also on the top table was Unc's friend and business partner Cheapman who took charge of organising the bash.

Cheapman was said to have been driven half to despair by the 'Mission Impossible' of throwing a big party for Unc - not only is he famously hard to please, he also doesn't much like parties.


There was the usual old flannel fron the arch-boaster of Homeward.

"Thank you all, good citizens of Homeward for your good wishes and support! As a sign of my gratitude I declare that I will pay a shilling to all inhabitants when they pay their rent!" he declared pompously.

He made a particularly fawning reference to The Old Monkey, who he said had come through for him when he was down.

The evening ended with a giant firework display in which an effigy of the great dictator lit up the sky.

After the party I interviewed Mister Hateman who had been present at the vast gathering.

"I watched what went on, you might say. The miserable capitalist did not invite me, of course, but I disguised myself as a waiter. Managed to 'accidently' pour some soup over the pompous pachyderm!

Hundreds honour humbug! That's what I thought! Trust Unc to lord it up when all the rest of us is enduring hard times! A shilling every time the rent is paid. No rent, no shilling. That's what it amounts to! Bully Bounty knows most of the inhabitants don't pay rent. Why should they? Now he's thought of a way of making them do it. A nice Lord Bountiful he is!"

Sunday, October 4, 2009


We had wot we fort would be a lucrative weekend at The Amaz!ng Meeting, a fundraising celebration of science, critical thinking and entertainment in London.

There was a lot of discussion about science, pseudoscience, scepticism and the paranormal. As you can imagine I am particularly sceptikal of Unc and the magic stuff he gets up to with Wizard Blenkinsop - just an opiate for the people if you ask me.

The main speaker was this guy James Randi, who has an international reputation as a magician and escape artist, but today he is best known as the world's most tireless investigator and demystifier of paranormal and pseudoscientific claims.

What made my eyes light up, though, was the fact that his organisation offers a prize of one million U.S. dollars to anyone who can demonstrate a supernatural or paranormal ability!

Brilliant, I thought, this is a job for our scheming ghost, Hootman!

Just as Mister Randi was being all skeptical about the supernaturalism and all that, lo, and behold Hootman materialise on the stage and everyone scarper!

But, the Foundation wouldn't pay out the dosh cos they say 'the test was not conducted according to the proposed protocol'

What a bloomin' swizz!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Lord of the Dance

My heart goes out to my poor mate, Phil - the following article appeared today in Unc's propaganda sheet 'The Homeward Gazette'.

Comedian, broadcaster, writer and actor, Phil Jupitus has recently taken on the role of Edna Turnblad in the hit musical Hairspray at London's Shaftesbury Theatre.

Unfortunately he is having some difficulty in learning some of the crucial dance routines and has requested extra dance tuition.

Who could the management turn to for assistance?

Why none other, of course, than our very own great benefactor, Uncle!

For, the Shaftesbury Theatre is partly owned by Uncle - being one of the founder members of the Theatre of Comedy Company, a collective started by the famous playwright Ray Cooney, in conjunction with some 30 other leading actors, writers and directors.

Uncle is more famous for dramatic works rather than for comedy, indeed his plays have even be compared to the great works of the Bard of Bramley, Ernest Wiseman.

However, he collaborated on a number of farces with Mister Cooney, providing the structural complication that set them apart from other bawdy comedies. Most famous was there West End hit 'A Spot of Beaver' in which a left-wing militant is forced to hide underground in a Brighton Hotel.

Uncle's dance skills are not so well-known, but are so evident in the annual Xmas entertainments that he hosts. As Fred Astaire once said,"You know, that Uncle, he`s just terrific. That`s all there is to it. I adore this elephant. I really am crazy about his work."

We asked Uncle how he had found time in his busy schedule to tutor Mister Jupitus?

"Well, I have just got back from the G20 summit and I had planned a short break - but I am always willing to drop everything for a fellow thespian in trouble" was his selfless answer.

Had he any concerns that he might become a figure of ridicule dressed as a woman?

"No, I felt I had to wear the costume in order to show Mister Jupitus how to move in it, but I have no fear that an elephant of my reputation would look silly - in fact many have commented on what a sophisticated figure I cut!" he replied, with not a hint of gratification in his tone.

He refused to be drawn on the rumour, however, that he had been asked initially to replace Arlene Phillips on "Strictly Come Dancing' rather than Alesha Dixon.

"I am above all a gentleelephant, it would be wrong of me to comment on the subject, suffice to say that I am in great demand and could not give up every Saturday to the task."

Pompous Pachyderm!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Hero - Beaver Hateman

Bout' time, I got the recognition I deserve - looks like 'The Guardian' is going to publish this article by Hitmouse. Quite flattering I fink.

My Hero - Beaver Hateman

Beaver Hateman is a saint amongst men, a true hero of the working classes.

A forward thinking revolutionary, he has worked tirelessly for the rights of the common man.

For many years he has selflessly led the Badfort People’s Front in its battle against the tyrannical regime of the arch–boaster and exploiter of the proletariat, Uncle.

He is a man for all the people, a man who stands up tall, and speaks of justice and liberty for all.

He has had to continually put up with the slanders of Unc and his cronies. When he built the People’s Palace, in order to bring a few meagre hours of joy to the workingman, he was accused of running a rigged casino joint.

Vile lies have been promulgated to suggest that he has used funds donated to the revolution for his own pleasure. The truth is, of course, that if not for his careful investments in the Black Tom Brewery and Scob Fisheries, Badfort would not have attained the pre-eminent position that it has in these industries today.

His achievements have been recognised around the world, he is a major player in the world of global politics. Naturally, one might think that this would distance him from the common folk – but no, our leader is as caring for their welfare as ever. A man of the people, he recently declared that everyone could leave the washing up for a week!

Hooray for Beaver!

Down with Unc’s Capitalistic regime!!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Never Mind the Elephant!

Today, me, and that tyrant Unc, recorded an episode of that panel game "Never Mind the Buzzcocks!"

I, of course, was on my old mate Phil's team. I have all the credenshuls needed - being a bit of a punk. I dunno how Unc got on - he was obviously totally perplexed by the whole thing, he said the Old Monkey had advised him to do it becos its popular with young people and it would give him a chance to 'extol the virtues of good citizenship and entrepreneurship to modern youth' - fat chance!

The show was hosted by a young lad, James Corden.

Unc was on that Boosh blokes team - now he's a pretty surreal guy but you could tell even he was a bit flummoxed by a bread head elephant wearing a purple dressing gown!

"No offence," I said to James and Phil "but he makes you two seem positively svelte!"

There was a lovely girl on Unc's team, Janey Gruffalo I fink she said her name was. I could tell that she took a bit of a shine to me cos shes a bit of a political activist too - but she looked a bit dubious when I said that was great becos most of the birds who join the Badfort Crowd are a bit rough but she was quite a looker.

On my team was that bloke on that dinosaur telly programme - he was very relieved becos he had heard that they was going to make it again. He said he does comedy as well, apparently, but I fink he should stick to the serious stuff - after all I did get the most laffs.

First up we was asked a question concerning a unique fact about a musical artist, after watching a video. This was film of my group 'The Baddies' performing one of my own songs 'Revolution- Gotta get Unc out of our lives!'. The question was 'How did Mick Jagger describe his reaction on hearing this song?".I knew the answer of course! "It was a turning point for the counter cultural movement and truly inspired me, man. Beaver was my hero from them on." he said.

Correct! A point for my team!

Unc's team had a question about our punk hit "I've got a brand new bicycle" - but even with Unc on the panel they could not explain what had inspired it.

"We can answer" piped up Phil, with a bit of prompting from me. "It was based on the fact that Unc once stole a bicycle!"

"That is a falsehood!" spluttered Unc "I merely borrowed it! and if you transmit such allegations..."

But he was drowned out by laughter from the audience and we got another point!

The second round is the Intros Round, where two members of a team have to convey the introduction of a song, usually a cappella, for their fellow team mate to guess.

I did the guessing and knew straight away - "It's the Internationale!" I cried.

Unc did the guessing for the other team and he was useless!

"Is it the German carol "O Tannenbaum"?" he speculated.

"No, its The Red Flag!" I guffawed "No points to the tyrant pachyderm!"

The third round was the Identity Parade. The audience is shown a video of an old musician, and the teams have to pick the correct person from a line-up of five people. The audience and people at home are the only ones to see the video, making it harder for the contestants.

It were'nt very difficult though - I recognised our drummer from 'The Baddies', Hitmouse, straight away!

"Surely, it cannot be fair to have a member from the contestants own band!" queried Unc.

"Aw Shuddup, you're just a sore loser!" I screamed.

Unc's team were then told that they would have to pick out the composer Dimitri Shostakovich.

"But he's dead!" argued Unc.

They were presented with a line up of five skeletons and were obviously completely clueless!

"Look, they made it easy for him - sticking in a classical composer cos we know he knos nofink about modern music and he still got it wrong!" I crowed.

The final round is called Next Lines, in which the host will speak a line of a song and the team must name the next line of the song.

Unc could not even get the words to the lyrics "Hail, Glorious Uncle!" right!

"We love to hear of Uncle's deeds...?" asked James.

"He makes us feel so glad!" piped up Unc smugly.

"Thats not what I have for the answer!" said James.

"He is a pompous oaf?" I queried.

"Correct, that is the right answer!" declared James.

"No it is not!" burst out Unc "This whole game is a fix, a farrago!"

At that point he stormed out....well not exactly stormed out....he was in the ejector seat and I pressed the button.

He went flying out of the studio!

Friday, September 25, 2009

He nicked our idea!

We are going to sue that bloke Anish Kapoor - he's has nicked our paint cannon idea!

We used it on Unc when he was unveiling a new work at the Homeward Art Gallery. This new painting is a companion piece to the painting of him opening the Dwarfs Drinking Fountains. The new work, also by the artist Waldovenison Smeare, is entitled 'Uncle saves the Global Economy' and features him being fawned over by Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and other world leaders.

If it weren't for that tyrant Unc interfering the revolution would have began and I, Beaver Hateman, would be in charge.

Anyway, Unc stroll over to our cannon going "oh what a fascinating piece of sculpture" in his hoighty toighty voice and then we let him have it! Splat! Right in the face!

Of course him and his cronies chased after us and he have me a right kicking up - but it was worth it to see his paint splattered mug!

Monday, September 14, 2009

MTV Music Video Awards Fiasco

Our leader, Mister Beaver Hateman interrupted a robot's acceptance speech for Best Video in disgust that our own entry (featured above, that clearly should have won) had been ignored because of the political nature of its content.

"Workers Of The World, Meet Your Robot Replacements!" he cried as he took a swing at the offending instrument of capitalism with an axe.

"These awards should be for real musicians not circuit boards!" he cried as he was dragged away by Uncle's (the sponsor of the awards) security forces.

Here you can hear the soulless dirge of the robot 'Cybraphon'

Friday, September 11, 2009

How Derren Brown done it

Everbody wants to kno how that Derren Brown predicted the lottery numbers and I can reveal that it is a right swizz!

I had such high hopes after watching him get em all right.

I called a meeting of the Badfort Revolutionary Front.

"This is it comrades, the revolution begins now!" I declared "We just need to kidnap this Derren Brown and we can get loads of dosh - we find out how he got the numbers right and tap his psykick abilities!'

"But what if he just brainwashed us all?" piped up Sigismund.

"Even better!" I cried 'Cos if he can brainwash people like that we can just get him to control Gordon Brown's mind and get the Brits to invade Homeward and install me as El Presidento - the yanks do it all the time. Gordon Brown will just wake up one morning, after Derren's done his business, and think 'ah yes, Beaver Hateman would make the best leader for Homeward!' and then I'll be in charge instead of the fat dictator!"

"But, would he be willing to hipnotise his own Dad?" queried Fillijug.

"He'll do wot we bloomin' well tell him! - any objections?" I retorted.

Hitmouse looked embarrased and interjected "It woz me!"

"Wot you mean it woz you?" I asked.

"It woz me that did the numbers - I stuck them on the balls after they woz selected" he said sheepishly.

It only turns out that using Wizard Blenkinsop's Dressing Gown of Invisibility, wot we nicked last year, he had helped Derren to pull off his scam!

When you look at the footage of the show through ultraviolet glasses Hitmouse can be clearly seen sticking numbers on the balls!

Footage viewed normally

Footage viewed through ultraviolet lenses

As you can imagine we woz furious and have totally ostracised Hitmouse - fancy pulling off a con-trick like that and not cutting us in on it!

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Baddies - Rockband!

We are all very excited here at Badfort because Wednesday sees the release of The Beatles: Rock Band - a music video game in the Rock Band music video game series. Like other games in the series, it allows players to simulate the playing of some of our semolina hits!

The game has songs spanning our entire career, along with virtual depictions of us performing the songs at infamous concerts such as the one outside Badfort which rocked the foundations of Unc's castle.

The band consisted of me, Beaver, and my brothers Fillijug and Sigismund. We had to let Hitmouse play drums becos he fretened us with skewers.

Of course, this was our pre-punk days so our manager would not let us wear our trademark sackcloth suits.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Down with Monkeys

Hooray for Mister Stephen Fry!

He has at last vocalised what many of us have always thought but have been too scared to mention because of political correctness.

Down with Monkeys!

In an interview with the Radio Times he said "Monkeys remind me of the worst features of humanity. Greed, deceit, rapacity, cupidity, aggression, self-pity, selfishness - but without the altruism, compassion, curiosity and charm."

Have we not said all along that, the Old Monkey is a nasty scheming lackey of Uncle - avidly supporting his capitalist greed and the crushing of the proletariat?

Support our campaign against him and his deceitful clan by buying one of our 'Down with Monkeys' T-shirts.

They are already being sported by many celebrities and our great friends Phil Jupitus and Charlie Higson.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Uncle is a Tart!

Uncle was photographed last week as he holidayed at Owl Springs. He was riding a horse, climbing trees and fishing as well as swimming.

The pictures showed him trying to look soulful and caring. He was overheard to say “Do my arms look big in this ?” “Oh, yes Uncle.” replied the Old Monkey.

These images were clearly, once again, designed to boost the tyrant's macho image.

But do we really want to see the arch-boaster prancing about on holiday, displaying both his pasty white torso and such gross vanity?

Look at that pose. Look at the exposed flesh, the transparent obsession with his own image. The elephant is a tart.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Sordid past of Unc Revealed!

As many of you will be aware Unc has been exploring the inglorious antics of his ancestors for the popular television programme 'Who Do You Think You Are?".

We have managed to get hold of some material that he has put an embargo on the public seeing in this programme.

Firstly, despite his claims of humble beginnings, the photograph above shows him wearing a ridiculous top hat and lording it up with his fellow cronies at a top British public school.

The photo below is even more scandalous and one that both Unc and a Mister David Cameron have tried to keep hidden from public scrutiny.

It shows that Unc was, whilst at University, was, indeed, a member of the infamous Bullingdon Club a socially exclusive student dining club at Oxford University, infamous for its members' wealth and destructive binges. It should be noted Membership is by invitation only, and prohibitively expensive for most, given the need to pay for the uniform, dinners and damages.

We are presently engaged on getting information from the staff of certain restaurants that we expect to reveal the appalling behaviour of the tyrant elephant.

What, we ask, would the British public make of the fact that a possible future prime minister consorted with an elephant of such ill repute - a known bicycle thief?

Yes, we finally have proof. The picture below shows Unc eying up the said bicycle shortly before making off with it.

We have even managed to obtain the bicycle - squashed beyond repair. Our resident artist, Mister Jellytussle Esq, has turned it into a work of art that we intend to exhibit at the forthcoming Uncle Academy Show.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

All in the public interest

That political mouthpiece of the arch dictator, Unc, The Homeward Gazette has printed a disgraceful slur on The Badfort News.

The article whinges about the techniques used by our intrepid investigative reporter,
Hitmouse, to uncover the corrupt shenanigans of Unc and his followers.

Only last month, he was dragged before the courts accused of hacking into mobile phone texts. He made an impassioned plea for the importance of our newspapers work in exposing matters of public interest.

Let us make it clear - The Badfort News has always insisted that it would not break the law and would use subterfuge only if essential in the public interest.

Judge Jeffreys passed a harsh sentence - one hour of community service. Hitmouse declared that he was prepared to suffer the indignity of this punishment - for the sake of journalistic freedom to pursue the truth!

Be assured - the fight goes on!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Salute to a great Socialist

A great socialist has died.

Here is a message from the old geezer who writes up my adventures.

My brother has died - he was more than a brother, he was my best friend. He was the biggest fan of this blog and I know it gave him a great deal of joy to read Uncle's and Beaver's latest misadventures. I loved him very much, and at the moment I cannot imagine being able to return to writing it.

I know, he would not have wanted it to stop and I hope that one day I might be able to start writing it again.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Boot'em out!

We thought robbery in our neighborhood was only carried out in a big way by the Magnate of Homeward.

Now we know that the councillors at Badgertown Town Hall are at it too.

Nobody objects to paying rates if they get value for money, but we at Badfort get no light, no road-mending, no drains and no edukashun.

Now, our intripid investigative reporter, Hitmouse, has revealed the truth of how the councillors is lining their pockets.

We at the Badfort News say boot out these fiddlers.

When Noddy Ninety, the incumbint mayor, said he was intensely relaxed about people being stinking rich I don't fink anyone thought he meant politicians!

When we at Badfort fell a bit short on being able to pay the money wot we borrowed they sent the bloomin' baliffs in did'nt they? - kicking in our door and trying to nick our stuff.

If it good enuff for us why isn't it good enuff for those crooks in the Town Hall?

We need a Council Election and anyone who has been on the fiddle should be barred from standing!

Our illustrous leader, Beaver Hateman is ready to step into the breach and bring back respect to the mayoral office. "My manifesto 'Fermenting Revolution' delivers an empowering message about how individuals can change the world through the simple act of having a pint of Black Tom. I propose that the King of the Badgers Palace been turned into a brewery!" he declared.

A new leader is needed in Badgertown. Somebody who will fight for your rights. Watch for him. He is coming SOON.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Two Gnashers Ninety!

The Badfort News today reveals the truth behind the extravagant expenses claims made by Noddy Ninety, the Mayor of Badgertown, and the fat cat councillors of Badgertown Town Hall.

Amongst his expenses he has included payment to his brother Neddy Ninety for 'cleaning services', the refurbishment of his car and caravan in a 'mock-tudor' style and two sets of false teeth.

Public funds have also been used to build a massive Garden Railway at his second home in Badgertown.

As usual, Uncle, in his blog, has attempted to divert attention from the crisis by making spurious claims against Mister Battersby - owner of the boutique hotel 'Skinner's'.

Mister Battersby is an illustrious citizen of Badfort, and has long made his hotel available at very affordable rates to councillors.

"After all," said Mister Battersby "One feels that one has a civic duty to provide a home from home for our hard working public servants."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Bafta Triumph!

I would just like to take the opportunity to fank BAFTA and all our viewers for the award wot you gave me.

As yo kno, we won the international ward for our 'Play for Today' strand on Badfort TV in particular for the play 'Down with Unc" ritten by myself.

A searing inditement of the fat tyrants despotic rool as seen from the perspective of a downtrodden exploited dwarf slaving away in one of his many mines.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Uncle - Claim Jumper!

Yesterday, the arch-tyrant Uncle carried out a vicious attack on the innocent silver prospectors of Badfort.

An expedition had set out from Badfort to investigate rumours of a rich seam of silver having been found in the desert plains of Goldfish Lodge.

Led by Beaver Hateman riding the Wooden-Legged Donkey, and Nailrod Hateman on his trusty goat, Toothie, these intrepid explorers were quietly going about their business - armed only with the simple tools of their trade. Clubs, Duck Bombs and Pick Axes. Prerequisites of harmless mining activity.

Suddenly, they were set upon by that selfish ruler of Homeward and his gang of mercenaries. He was accompanied by a troop of camels wade down with the fruits of Uncle's exploitation - piles of silver.

Not content with this vast wealth, he had garnered from the desert, the greedy elephant wished to prevent anyone else from staking a claim on the fortunes to be found there.

"I am the only one who will lay claim here!" he declared and administered a cruel kicking up to Mister Hateman crying "We'll have none of that 50% tax here in Homeward either!"

Mister Hateman promised that this attack on the poor people of Badfort would not go unpunished.

Monday, April 13, 2009

No Frying Tonight

That tyrant Unc has got wind of our 'Scobfish' Lodge scam.

He has cut off all supplies of that delicious fish wot we was getting for nought.

We have no choice, therefore, but to reveal certain facts that we know about the arch-boaster of Homeward. Facts that the public need to know about their self-proclaimed leader and benefactor.

Firstly, it has come to light that he has an embarrassing medical condition; we have it on good authority that he has been diagnosed as being vastly obese.

Secondly we have information about certain financial irregularities regarding extortionate rents that have 'disappeared' from the far-flung corners of Homeward.

We challenge Unc to publish his full financial and medical records.

We also now have documentary evidence revealing his appalling behaviour.

Embarrassing photos have followed Uncle around throughout his career: posing in his Trunkingdon Club uniform at University, lying on the carpet at home in his louche dressing gown playing Uncopoly with his fellow pachyderms and squashing a stolen bicycle. But he knows that the most embarrassing photos from his past have yet to emerge.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

We went for a ride around London today - we was representing the four horses of the apocalypse Unc's Kicking Up, Unc's Gluttony, Unc's Financial Crimes and Unc's Rents.

Meanwhile, whilst Romes burns - metaforically speakin', two leaders of the world are mucking about impursonating me - I don't fink thats funny - I shuld hav been at that meeting. I would have sorted them out!

Capitalism ain't working and Unc's just stuffing himself!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Free the Badfort Four!

Calamitous day! Fellow members of the Badfort Crowd are being held for 'security checks' by Twitter.

Hitmouse, Jellytussle, Hootman and the Wooden-legged Donkey have had their voices silenced!

This is clearly the work of the infamous tyrant Unc - who wishes to suppress any voices of dissent and has now brought his influence to bear on the internet.

Wot next?

They claim that the four were behaving suspiciously - clearly they had probably just indulged in a little too much Black Tom - since whens that a crime!

Please do all you can to support @Hitmouse , @Hootmantheghost , @BadJellytussle , and @woodlegdonkey

Free the Badfort Four
Free free
Free free free the Badfort Four

Free the Badfort Four

21 hours in captivity
The ain’t even got any shoes for their feet
Held by Twitter, but their minds are still free
Its all Unc’s doing but you cannot see

Free the Badfort Four

Friday, March 13, 2009

Red Nose Day!

As usual I am doing my bit for Comic Relief - selling red noses.

First thing this morning I ran up to a policeman and biffed him one on the nose.

Then I made him hand over a quid.

What could he say? - its in a good cause ain't it?

Mind, I would not try this yourself. I can get away with it cos of my karisma.

Me and Unc always have a bit of a truce today - not surprisingly he is raising money too - he never miss an opportunity to play the bountiful elephant.

O.K. who else wants a red nose!

Donate here

Thursday, March 12, 2009

One battle does not lose a war!

Old Bully Bounty is celebrating the cruel beating he gave us yesterday - we can hear his dreadful muzak blaring out from Castle Tyranny!

What can you do? - well,, one battle does not lose a war! we will never surrender - time to have a party and celebrate the coming revolution!

We invited Bob, the strolling minstrel, round and sang a few protest songs

"Militant Camanera trains every morning,
by the American base, which is an insulting stain."

Too right, mate.

Then we sang one of our favourites, about when we sawed through the platform during one of Unc's boasting speeches and kidnapped him.

"See that pompous humbug Unc
On the Platform raise his trunk"

sang Sigismund, and we all shouted:

"Stinggoon! Stinggoon! STINGGOON!"

"Watch him spouting like a pump.
Watch him sit, the oily lump:
That's the moment-

At every 'CRUMP' we stamped our feet, then burst into the chorus:

"Stinggoon! Stinggoon! STINGGOON!"

We'll get you one day UNC!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Kicked Up!

Today we made our attack on the Emperor of Cocoa-Cadgers himself, the Tyrant of Homeward, Unc!

And we wuld have suckceded to if the pesky packyderm had not been warned of the attack!

The sneaks were lying in wait for us and tried to drown us in treacle!

It was a fierce battle.

You won't believe this - but I actually helped the arch boaster get out of the treacle when he got his fat behind stuck in it!

And how did the mean magnate repay me? - he gave me a good kicking up thats what!

It's bloomin' painful and I'm sure the birds were laffing at me on the way up!

Spose I'll just have to spend the rest of the day sitting on a rubber ring - I got bruises all over my bum!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Ultimate Weapon - Johnny 7 OMA

We have been planning this for months!

Ever since we spotted the potential of the recluse Sunset Beach.

The perfect place for bringing in a shipment of arms for the revolution!

We have bought up a huge job lot of the ultimate weapon - the Johnny Seven (One Man Army) gun!

Our master schemer, Hootman, has even found a way of adapting them to fire baldders of vinegar and duck bombs!

Unc won't know what has hit him, plus, cos he's been busy setting the world financial capitalist system to rights he has taken his eye off ball at home.

His complacency has given us the element of surprise!

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Radio Badfort Accordion Hour

Tonight was the first evening of The Radio Badfort Accordion Hour.

This one had us all reaching for the tissues " night the only far accordion is heard somewhere..."

Well summink like that anyway.

We had to console ourselves by knocking back a few barrels of Black Tom.

Phil Jupitus has promised he will be bringing us some of his favourite pieces - hopefully not the birdie song on accordion!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Beaver's Guide to Twitting

The days are long gone when you and a few of your mates could take off to the fields and do a bit of twitting, on your own, with a few bottles of Black Tom.

The place is inundated with other twitters now (I blame that Stephen Fry) so I have produced this helpful guide for newbies.

But be warned twitting can lead to eye strain.

First off you will find the place is chock a block full of celebrities now. They all have a bit of space in the big tent and are surrounded by their followers - it can get a bit hectic.

Wossy has a large corner. If you want to grab his attention try jumping up and down a bit and banging on about comics, manga films or some such. Its not so crowded around his wife - shes mates with Unc but shes O.K. for royalty. But I have always been a bit suspicious of ferrets.

Glinner wrote some comedy about vicars on an island and he can be quite funny but it gets very fuggy around him cos he insists on smoking that damn pipe.

Of course, Stephen Fry got his own tent to himself, cos he got so many followers, but he often appearing and disappearing cos he is getting on now and has signal trouble - well you do get prostrate problems when you older.

Be warned, not all celebrities is real - some is just the proletariat wearing masks!

There is two Phil Jupitus, for instance (He's a mate and taught me the secret twits sign) but when we catch em, we dunk em in the water to see if they float or burn em at the stake. Sadly, this has led to some unfortunate incidents where real celebrities have been torched or drowned.

Sometime I see Unc wandering around being all high and mighty to his followers - so I usually stand at the back and shout obscenties at him.

Sometimes people will start following you - do not call the police. This is not unusual. But be careful sometime they just follow you cos they notice that you have got near some celeb and hope it make them all sparkly too.

People have even started following me around but that is because they kno that the revolution is coming and I will be the one to decide who is worthy.

Good luck Twitting, always keep your binoculars at hand in case you cannot get close!

Any advice feel free to DM me wotever that mean.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Phil teaches me the Secret Sign

My mate, Phil has taught me the secret sign - you cannot see in this movie but he has got one trouser leg rolled up.

Keep twitting!

Quantitative Easing

Well if its good enough for Gordon Brown and Unc I fought we would have a go at this ourselves.

Printing money! - Its a doddle, speshully if you have some expert badger forgers.

Bit smudgy but I don't think even Unc would spot the difference - keep schtum tho, we don't want the fat dictator finding out!

Long Live the Revolution!