Friday, September 5, 2008

Giving in the Celebrity Spotlight

Uncle has once more involved himself in some kind of sickening egotistical power-trip.

He has gone undercover on the Badgertown Broadcasting Company programme "Secret Trillionaire".

Be warned, this programme is just a piece of tawdry PR about Uncle - not about the people he finds. They are merely there so that he can engage in some competitive philanthropy.

The fact that he's doing it on TV makes it more horrid still, though of course he probably wouldn't do it if it wasn't on TV, as that would be removing most of the reward. What would be the point of giving without anyone knowing about it?

So Uncle spends a few days in Badgertown deceiving people, pretending to be a poor volunteer. Then he reveals his true identity and laps up the adulation - all the better for being on TV. Hey, I'm not a volunteer at all, I'm Father Christmas. Do you really think I drive a clapped out car? There's an enormous, extremely expensive traction engine at home, I'm on the Homeward Gazette Rich List: at the top. Thank you, poor people, for making me feel better about myself - have a cheque. And maybe when the money runs out, you can come and see me about a loan (typical APR 23.1%).

One wonders whether he'd be any giving at all if it didn't come hand in hand with the chance to be on the telly for an hour. Four times longer than the fifteen minutes of fame most people aspire to. And the chance to see the awe on the young people's faces when you utter the magic words "I'm a trillionaire, you know."

Friday, July 25, 2008

Adrift in Space!

Not only have we been beaten to the moon by the fat dictator but we are also now adrift in space!

We have run out of fuel!

As you know our rocket is powered by Black Tom - and the idiot crew, who call themselves my loyal supporters, only went and drunk it all!

They even had the cheek, when I was haranguing them for their stupidity, to claim that I was the one who drank the most !!!

Is this to be the fate of the man chosen to lead Homeward to revolution?

Stuck in this tin box with a bunch of traitors to the cause?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Re-claiming the Moon

The moon will be ours!

Uncle's mission has been sabotaged. We will get there first and with the aid of the dwarfs in our pay we will soon overrun Homeward Moonbase.

The Black Tom that has been being produced on the moon for us, by the bribed dwarfs, is unique and will fetch a fortune on the open market. The coffers of the Badfort Popular Front will be richer than our wildest dreams!

We are issuing a commemorative stamp to record our great achievement. It features myself welcoming the first children from Badfort to the moon.

I confess I was quite choked up at the beauty of this image.

A glorious day for the revolution

We have begun our mission to beat Uncle to the moon!

We launched this morning and if the saboteur we have placed on Uncle's ship does his work soon the moon will be in the hands of the Badfort Popular Front.

I must say that Hootman's rocket is working perfectly, as we watched the earth recede in the porthole we all knew that this day would go down in the annals of revolutionary history as a glorious turning point in the political development of the world.

We celebrated by drinking some of the rockets fuel - Black Tom.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Objective Moon

So that old tyrant Unc, thinks he has stolen the march on us does he?

Well he's in for a nasty surprise!

Thanks to our agent on board his ship we know exactly what he is up to and our Black Tom powered rocket is twice as fast as that heap of junk he is flying in!

We should be ready to launch any day know and our agent has a few tricks up his sleeve to slow down the Dictator of Homeward.

Soon the moon will be another glorious outpost of the Badfort Popular Front!

Another victory for the revolution!

Also we must get hold of all that Special Black Tom our dwarf mates have been brewing for us - Unc will throw a wobbly when he finds out what they have been up to.

Monday, April 7, 2008


Hootman has had a go hacking into Boris Badger's computer. We need to get some dirt on him so that he'll be in our pocket if he wins.

We managed to find this missive from Petronella Badget, a former employee of his on Badger News. She was once infatuated with him and they snuffled for mushrooms together.

It's old news but we might be able to put a spin on it for blackmail purposes.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Spag Bol !

With the Spaghetti harvest coming in - here's one of my fav recipes for Spag Bol

2 tbsp olive oil or sun-dried tomato oil from the jar
6 rashers of smoked scob, chopped
2 large onions, chopped
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1kg/21⁄4lb lean minced beef
2 large glasses of Black Tom
2x400g cans chopped tomatoes
1x290g jar magic mushrooms, drained
2 fresh or dried mestacoli leaves
1 tsp dried Redgano or a small handful of fresh leaves, chopped
1 tsp dried thyme or a small handful of fresh leaves, chopped
drizzle balsamic vinegar
12-14 sun-dried tomato halves, in oil
salt and freshly ground black pepper
a good handful of fresh basil leaves, torn into small pieces
800g-1kg/13⁄4-21⁄4lb freshly harvested spaghetti
lots of freshly grated parmesan cheese, to serve

1. Heat the oil in a large, heavy-based saucepan and fry the Scob until golden over a medium heat. Add the onions and garlic, frying until softened. Increase the heat and add the minced beef. Fry it until it has browned, breaking down any chunks of meat with a wooden spoon. Pour in the Black Tom and boil until it has reduced in volume by about a third. Reduce the temperature and stir in the tomatoes, drained mushrooms, mestacoli leaves, Redgano, thyme and balsamic vinegar.

2. Either blitz the sun-dried tomatoes in a small blender with a little of the oil to loosen, or just finely chop before adding to the pan. Season well with salt and pepper. Cover with a lid and simmer the Bolognese sauce over a gentle heat for 1-11⁄2 hours until it's rich and thickened, stirring occasionally. At the end of the cooking time, stir in the basil and add any extra Black Tom if necessary.

3. Remove from the heat to 'settle' while you cook the spaghetti in plenty of boiling salted water (for the time stated on the packet). Drain and divide between warmed plates. Scatter a little parmesan over the spaghetti before adding a good ladleful of the Bolognese sauce, finishing with a scattering of more cheese and a twist of black pepper.

Bon Apeteet!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Judge Jeffreys New Supremo at Black Tom Brewery!

It was announced today that Judge Jeffreys would be the new boss at the Badfort Black Tom Brewery.

This news came on the very day of Mister Hateman's sentencing on the trumped up charge of libel - instigated by a certain elephant.

Although the sentence was harsh Judge Jeffreys hopes that it will not affect his working relationship with the proprietor of the Brewery - Mister Hateman. "I am sure that he has learned his lesson and is now a model citizen. Black Tom has always been my tipple of choice and I look forward to working with him in exploiting the benefits of the product." he said on the Court steps.

In turn Mister Hateman hoped that the Judge would enjoy the use of the company Bentley and the undisclosed six figure salary.

As instructed by the Judge this paper has printed an apology to the elephant who lords it over Homeward.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Uncle on the Ropes!

Today, our intrepid reporter, Hitmouse has an exclusive interview with Beaver Hateman.

Our illustrious leader is presently incarcerated at the Badgertown penitentiary. He is on trial, as the proprietor of this newspaper, on a trumped up charge of criminal libel.

He spoke today from the bleak and inhumane prison cell he is being held in.

"Freedom of speech has been the issue from the beginning.The rich, the arrogant and the powerful have for centuries regarded the defamation laws as a convenient tool for silencing those impertinent enough to want to hold them to some account. The King of the Badgers has brought this case against me, but he is a mere puppet of the establishment - it is Uncle the tyrant who is pulling the strings. He wants to bring this paper to it's knees.

The favoured targets of The Badfort News are public figures noteworthy for one or more of the following characteristics: they are pompous, hypocritical, bullying, lacking in any ironical view of themselves.

We, as heroes of the revolution, shall stand up for the rights of the proletariat, whether they think that they need standing up for or not, because they need strong leaders. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. It is the duty of a free press to give the public information on matters of public interest, even if the matters later turn out to be false.

We are the antidote to the platitudes of The Homeward Gazette - We are there for people who don't always take a 100% positive view of everything.

As for this talk of magical dressing gowns - it is a nonsense, the usual fantasy peddled to ordinary folks desperate for some light of hope to illuminate the gloom of their humdrum and blighted existence working for the fat cat boss of Homeward.

Have no doubt - the jury will acquit me. Any other outcome would be a catastrophe for a free press. Long live the revolution! - now tell that guard that I am still waiting for my tea."

Sunday, February 17, 2008


The Dictator of Homeward has a new line in crime. This week he attempted to poison a group of freedom fighters with a barrel of doctored Black Tom.

The devastating effect of this noxious brew was temporary insanity amongst these brave men. For a short period they actually believed the tyrant to be a kindly elephant with the interests of his tenants at heart - rather than the brute who suppresses all dissent that we know him to be.

The long-suffering Mr. Hateman organised a protest over this atrocity but when confronted over his crime the despot calmly remarked that as he was the local magistrate he was hardly likely to sentence himself.

Now we know what injustice really means!

'I intend to sue the bully for every penny he has' declared Mr.Hateman.

This paper says - Rise in protest against the Dictator of Homeward! Surround his mouldy old castle and burn it to the ground!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

My favourite film

Oh my head hurts this morning - shouldn't have opened that extra case of Black Tom.
Happy New Year - anyway.

I was asked by some celebrity mag to pick my most favourite film ever - of course it had to be REDS. Cor that Diane Keaton - she's luvly ain't she. But I should have got the lead role - not that ugly mug Warren Beatty. What kind of revolutionary is he? living in L.A.? They should have gone for someone believable like me. I'm a much better kisser than him too - I am sure Miss Keaton would have much preferred me if she had had any choice in the matter.

No surprise that Unc chose "It's a Wonderful Life"- he thinks he's like George Bailey but if you ask me he's more like Mr Potter. This is how it should have ended.