Thursday, December 2, 2010

WikiLeaks cables: Filthy Smirch !

A tissue of lies has appeared in the Homeward Gazette:

Badfort is a corrupt, autocratic kleptocracy centred on the leadership of Beaver Hateman in which officials, oligarchs and organised crime are bound together to create a "virtual mafia state", according to leaked secret diplomatic cables that provide a damning American assessment ofthe Badfort regime.

In his cables the US ambassador details countless examples of the theft and extortion carried out by the Badfort Crowd:

1) The farmer, Butterskin Mute, reports the theft of his largest pumpkins by Mister Hateman.

2) Mister Hateman pretended that he owned Lonely Tower (belonging to Uncle) and charged the occupants excessive rents.

3) Mister Hateman impersonated a school inspector and forged a permit to Sweet Tower for the children on order to appear generous at Uncle's expense.

4) Mister Hateman attempted to defraud Uncle by substituting gold for gilt lead.

5) Mister Hateman attempted to extort free food from Cadcoon's Store and when he was refused set the store on fire.

The ambassador went on to say:

"Beaver Hateman cannot be trusted - he likes to portray himself as the champion of the people, a modern day Robin Hood. But it is quite clear that his main aim is to steal from the rich (Uncle) and give to himself. His cloak of revolutionary fervour is merely a mask for criminal activity."

Beaver Hateman made clear he was not amused by a US diplomat's description of him . "To be honest with you, we did not suspect that this [criticism] could be made with such arrogance, with such rudeness, and you know, so unethically," he remarked.

Lies all lies! Who are the Yanks to lecture us? After years marked by brutal totalitarianism, economic chaos and the undermining of democratic processes by American imperialism, Badfort is moving forward!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

WikiLeaks cables: 'Rude' Uncle shocks US ambassador

The Badfort News

Uncle launched a scathing attack on Badfort anticorruption investigators, journalists and Beavers during an "astonishingly candid" performance at an official engagement that shocked a US diplomat.

Titania Goodfellow, Washington's ambassador to Badfort, recorded in a secret cable that Uncle spoke "cockily" at the brunch with business people, leading a discussion that "verged on the rude".

During the two-hour engagement in 2008 at a hotel in Badgertown, Uncle, who travels the globe boasting about his business prowess, attacked Badfort's corruption investigators "They've got a cheek! suggesting corruption in Badgertown with all their rotten little scams!"

He went on to denounce Badfort News reporters investigating bribery as "those (expletive) journalists … who poke their noses everywhere".

She said the talk turned at another point to allegations of corruption in Badfort: "While claiming that all of them never participated in it and never gave out bribes, one representative of a middle-sized company stated that 'it is sometimes an awful temptation'.

In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen then chorused that nothing gets done in Badfort if Beaver Hateman does not get 'his cut'.

The kind of vindictive statement one would expect from capitalists who fear our great leader's concern for the proletariat.

The US ambassador, a veteran career diplomat who speaks six languages, did not appear to have great regard for Unc's intellect.

Her dispatch included some passages noticeably tinged with sarcasm. In a section headed: "You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps", she wrote: "Again turning thoughtful, Uncle mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption in Badfort. They are a bunch of anarchists who want a free ride. But if you want to get on in this world you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Look at me - from humble, lowly beginnings, I am now the richest elephant in the world. I did it all myself. No one else can do it for you."

The ambassador also refers to the incident of the stolen bicycle - "One cannot help wondering if this was a one off incident? - can this elephant be trusted?"

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Unc Propaganda

In his blog, today, Unc attempts to persuade the gullible to campaign for the republication of his biographies - thinly disguised capitalist propaganda!

He has posted the following link in an attempt to put pressure on the publishers who he has already tried to bribe with offers of large sums of money and barrels of ham.

Do not be taken in by the tyrant of Homeward - he is merely jealous of the success of greater books such as 'The Audacity of Hope'

It is thought that he is working on a new tome, his first autobiograpy, 'My Journey - Homeward Bound'

It will no doubt be a pathetic attempt to justify his recent illegal attack on Badfort under the pretext that we held 'Barrels of Mass Intoxication'

We suggest that you go to the nybooks site and demand that this blatant propaganda be suppressed.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Bad Voters Turned Away!

In an appalling piece of election chicanery many voters wishing to vote for the Bad Party have been turned away from Polling Stations in the Badgertown Council Elections.

They had been enjoying, quite rightly, a few pints of Black Tom before exercising their democratic right to vote.

At closing time, they made their way to the polling station - only to be told they were too late and that they were intoxicated!

More enlightened election officers decided to have a lock-in, instead. This allowed voters to register their votes and carrying on drinking!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Uncle Danger!

The King of the Badgers could be forced to appeal to Uncle for help if voters elect a hung council in the forthcoming Badgertown election, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon warned today.

It would seem that he is trying to puncture the Nick Custard bubble ahead of the second Mayoral candidates' television debate tonight, Macaroon said that the City would be spooked by an unclear election result.

"Bond markets won't wait," the Mayoral candidate said of the likely City reaction to post-election backroom deals at the Badgertown Council. "The Snout will wobble. We have seen even minor flickers in the opinion polls causing problems with interest rates in the recent past.

"If the Badgetowners don't decide to put in a government with a working majority, and the markets think that we can't tackle our debt and deficit problems, then Uncle will have to do it for us."

Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, the BAD Party candidate, responded by saying "there is no way that fat tyrant is going to take over Badgertown!"

Beaver Hateman added "Just imagine how the banks and fund managers will behave with their friend in power. They will leech Badgertown dry! Vote Bad or the Pachyderm will be in charge!"

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A future funfair for all!

Today the BAD party has issued its manifesto for the future of Badgertown.

In an audacious move The Bad Party mayoral candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, revealed their intention to turn Badgertown into a giant Fun Fair!.

"This will surpass anything that Homeward has to offer!" declared Beaver Hateman, leader of the BAD party. "Longer switchback railways, growth, national renewal, a giant ferris wheel, improved living standards in the all inclusive big tent, excellence in education - come dancing on the waltzer!, Life will be a rollercoaster of fun!, world leading healthcare if you fall off the carousel of life!, a giant house of mirrors (makes everything look better!) , strengthening our community with fear - a ghost train!, supporting familes as they ride the helter skelter!- City debt reduced at a stroke as visitors queue up for the marvels of Badgertown!"

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Let's get to it! - the gloves are off!

Unc is up to his usual tricks - trying to get his own candidate, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon, elected in the Badgertown Town Council Election.

The Bad Party candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, has begun the campaign with great gusto!

He has called Unc out! - we intend to make fair fight of it, but expect to see Unc fighting dirty. Watch out for those evil sharp tusks!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Snouts in the Trough

Our intrepid investigative reporter, Mister Hitmouse, has uncovered further evidence of the sleaze ridden state of the Badgertown Council.

Posing as a representative of a dwarf lobbying firm he secretly recorded former council ministers who were willing to use their access and influence with Uncle to lobby him - in return for cash.

Stephen Bears claimed that he had successfully lobbied Uncle to stump up some cash for tree houses for the ursine community. He offered himself as a "dancing bear for hire" with total access to the honeypot.

Geoff Hoot offered to lead delegations to Uncle. The senile old owl claimed that "I have been inside Uncle's inner sanctum - and even used his toilet!"

Uncle has dismissed the claims - "They are just trying to make themselves sound important - I have never met them and would certainly not allow them to call me Unc as had been suggested!"

Noddy Ninety, the incumbent Mayor, laughed at their stupidity in being taken in by Hitmouse. "He wore the same old false beard and glasses that he always wears undercover!" he smirked.

Asked to comment, on the antics at the Town Hall, Mister Beaver Hateman remarked "The wider issue here is the question of how it is that an unelected, non domicile, entrepreneur elephant wields so much influence over the affairs of Badgertown? He does not even pay taxes in Badgertown!"

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

King of the Badgers acts over 'secret' Uncle plan

The King of the Badgers has been forced to intervene to stop Uncle parachuting more of his own candidates into safe seats for the forthcoming Badgertown Council Election.

Today Beaver Hateman mounted a highly personal,and justified, attack on Uncle - claiming the King of the Badgers is once more in hock to the tyrant of Homeward.

The King of the Badgers retorted "It is true that I have recently borrowed a small amount from the esteemed and most charitable owner of Homeward, however, let me make it quite clear - Badgertown cannot be bought!"

Our great leader, Mister Hateman declared that Uncle's involvement in the election showed how the devious pachyderm was now calling the shots.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Hoorah for Auntie! Down with Uncle!

Auntie's loss is our gain in the fight against Unc!

Here at Badfort we have managed to pick up a load of new presenters for BAD RADIO 6 MUSIC really cheap!

So desperate are these redundant ex-celebs for work that they have agreed to our terms - 5s 6d a shift plus all the Black Tom they can drink.

Of course, there is always one whinger in any group and that Jupitus is getting on my wick. First of all, he starts moaning about the staff uniform of sack cloth.

"Do we have to wear this? - I have delicate skin and it is terribly itchy!" he weeped.

"Listen mate, you don't hear Lauren complaining do you? we all wear sack cloth in Badfort - it show we is at one with the proletariat - right?" I told him in no uncertain terms.

Then he start moaning again "Does every other song have to be a protest song about Uncle?" he say.

"Look," I reply "You ain't at the bloomin' BBC now - where they let you play any old bloomin' stuff - what's our motto?"

"Down with Unc" he replied morosely.

"Too right, mate! - and put a bit more vim into it - your lucky you still got gainful employment, and don't you forget it!" I warned him.

I hope he not gonna turn out to be a trouble maker.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Beaver Hateman calls for inquiry into Uncle bullying claims

Following revelations in the Badfort News, Beaver Hateman today called for an inquiry into allegations that Uncle bullied staff at his palace, Homeward - and kicked a dwarf!

"These are very serious matters." he stated "It has long been suspected that the Tyrant of Homeward is as autocratic in his home as he is with any dissent voiced by the proletariat of Homeward. I am sure that the Dwarf Protection League civil in some way will want to have some sort of inquiry to get to the bottom of what has happened here."

Revelations in yesterday's Badfort News decribe an incident when Uncle learnt that this newspaper planned to lead its front page with how he had bribed a judge to convict Beaver Hateman on libel charges, he was "incandescent", says a member of his inner circle.

From his suite at Homeward, he rang complaining to Hitmouse, the editor of the Badfort News. "It's a Badfort plot," he raged, trying to bludgeon them into pulling the story. "This won't be forgotten."

He was maddest of all with his own team. Uncle went berserk with Bob Dwarf, whose long friendship did not protect the diminutive chap from a ferocious blast of Uncle's temper. "How could you let them do this to me, Bob?" Uncle screamed at the shaking dwarf.

Then Uncle started yelling at the other aides present: "Just get out! Just get out of my throne room!" The Old Monkey became so alarmed that he felt compelled to come into the room to protect the unfortunate dwarf.

Bur he was too late - Unc had administered one of his trademark kicking up's!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Support the Beaver Hateman tax

Hope you is all enjoying the Badfort Olympics!

There has been a rush of support for this brill new tax wheeze I have come up wiff.

Of course, Unc don't like it cos he just bought the Badgertown Bank - the capitalist tyrant!

Register your support at our website.


Unc has hacked into our site and disabled all the buttons and everyfink!

Don't worry we won't let that him stifle us! we will soon have it running again and then we'll show him - in the maentime you can always donate to the cause...Postal orders and I.O.U's accepted.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Virtual Revolution!

We have decided that the best way to topple the tyrant Unc is to expose him via the interweb. Badileaks is a new site where his misdeeds will be exposed.

Where the ballot box has failed - becos he is a bloomin' dictator! - the internet will succeed!

Join us against the tyrant! - any information you may have about his tyrannous acts can be twitted to @badleaks.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Banned from Cheapman's!

Cheapman has caused a furore, here at Badfort, by banning shoppers in sackcloth nightdresses, saying it could 'cause offence or embarassment to other customers'.

This act has clearly been instigated by the tyrant Unc as another part of his vindictive campaign against the Badfort Crowd.

Beaver Hateman slammed the confused messages sent out by accusing Cheapman's Store of exercising double standards.

'Why is it OK for posh Unc, to go shopping in his purple dressing gown, but not for normal people like us?'

Cheapman defended the decision by saying "We do not have a strict dress code - but Unc, er, I mean, many of our prominent customers have complained at how unsightly and rough the attire of some shoppers is."

"I quite agree with Cheapman's decision - the dress sense of some of his shoppers is slovenly and rude!" declared Unc.

Hateman branded Cheapman "Snobbish. This is just pathetic and shows how stuck up some people and elephants can be."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Uncle regularly whipped himself!

Shock revelations have been revealed in The Badfort News today!

"In his closet, among his purple dressing gowns, there was hung on a clothes hanger a particular kind of belt which he used as a whip," writes Hitmouse the paper's fearless investigative reporter.

It appears that in his younger days the dictator of Homeward often slept on a bare floor so that he could practise self-denial and asceticism.

"It is clear the aspect of penitence was present in Uncle's life as he climbed the greasy pole upwards " declared Beaver Hateman in a news conference today. "It should be seen as part of the profound guilt he felt over his exploitation of the proletariat and his crushing of all opposition."

"Not such a saint after all!" smirked Hitmouse.