Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Never Mind the Elephant!

Today, me, and that tyrant Unc, recorded an episode of that panel game "Never Mind the Buzzcocks!"

I, of course, was on my old mate Phil's team. I have all the credenshuls needed - being a bit of a punk. I dunno how Unc got on - he was obviously totally perplexed by the whole thing, he said the Old Monkey had advised him to do it becos its popular with young people and it would give him a chance to 'extol the virtues of good citizenship and entrepreneurship to modern youth' - fat chance!

The show was hosted by a young lad, James Corden.

Unc was on that Boosh blokes team - now he's a pretty surreal guy but you could tell even he was a bit flummoxed by a bread head elephant wearing a purple dressing gown!

"No offence," I said to James and Phil "but he makes you two seem positively svelte!"

There was a lovely girl on Unc's team, Janey Gruffalo I fink she said her name was. I could tell that she took a bit of a shine to me cos shes a bit of a political activist too - but she looked a bit dubious when I said that was great becos most of the birds who join the Badfort Crowd are a bit rough but she was quite a looker.

On my team was that bloke on that dinosaur telly programme - he was very relieved becos he had heard that they was going to make it again. He said he does comedy as well, apparently, but I fink he should stick to the serious stuff - after all I did get the most laffs.

First up we was asked a question concerning a unique fact about a musical artist, after watching a video. This was film of my group 'The Baddies' performing one of my own songs 'Revolution- Gotta get Unc out of our lives!'. The question was 'How did Mick Jagger describe his reaction on hearing this song?".I knew the answer of course! "It was a turning point for the counter cultural movement and truly inspired me, man. Beaver was my hero from them on." he said.

Correct! A point for my team!

Unc's team had a question about our punk hit "I've got a brand new bicycle" - but even with Unc on the panel they could not explain what had inspired it.

"We can answer" piped up Phil, with a bit of prompting from me. "It was based on the fact that Unc once stole a bicycle!"

"That is a falsehood!" spluttered Unc "I merely borrowed it! and if you transmit such allegations..."

But he was drowned out by laughter from the audience and we got another point!

The second round is the Intros Round, where two members of a team have to convey the introduction of a song, usually a cappella, for their fellow team mate to guess.

I did the guessing and knew straight away - "It's the Internationale!" I cried.

Unc did the guessing for the other team and he was useless!

"Is it the German carol "O Tannenbaum"?" he speculated.

"No, its The Red Flag!" I guffawed "No points to the tyrant pachyderm!"

The third round was the Identity Parade. The audience is shown a video of an old musician, and the teams have to pick the correct person from a line-up of five people. The audience and people at home are the only ones to see the video, making it harder for the contestants.

It were'nt very difficult though - I recognised our drummer from 'The Baddies', Hitmouse, straight away!

"Surely, it cannot be fair to have a member from the contestants own band!" queried Unc.

"Aw Shuddup, you're just a sore loser!" I screamed.

Unc's team were then told that they would have to pick out the composer Dimitri Shostakovich.

"But he's dead!" argued Unc.

They were presented with a line up of five skeletons and were obviously completely clueless!

"Look, they made it easy for him - sticking in a classical composer cos we know he knos nofink about modern music and he still got it wrong!" I crowed.

The final round is called Next Lines, in which the host will speak a line of a song and the team must name the next line of the song.

Unc could not even get the words to the lyrics "Hail, Glorious Uncle!" right!

"We love to hear of Uncle's deeds...?" asked James.

"He makes us feel so glad!" piped up Unc smugly.

"Thats not what I have for the answer!" said James.

"He is a pompous oaf?" I queried.

"Correct, that is the right answer!" declared James.

"No it is not!" burst out Unc "This whole game is a fix, a farrago!"

At that point he stormed out....well not exactly stormed out....he was in the ejector seat and I pressed the button.

He went flying out of the studio!

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