Monday, March 16, 2009
Calamitous day! Fellow members of the Badfort Crowd are being held for 'security checks' by Twitter.
Hitmouse, Jellytussle, Hootman and the Wooden-legged Donkey have had their voices silenced!
This is clearly the work of the infamous tyrant Unc - who wishes to suppress any voices of dissent and has now brought his influence to bear on the internet.
They claim that the four were behaving suspiciously - clearly they had probably just indulged in a little too much Black Tom - since whens that a crime!
Please do all you can to support @Hitmouse , @Hootmantheghost , @BadJellytussle , and @woodlegdonkey
Free the Badfort Four
Free free free the Badfort Four
Free the Badfort Four
21 hours in captivity
The ain’t even got any shoes for their feet
Held by Twitter, but their minds are still free
Its all Unc’s doing but you cannot see
Free the Badfort Four
Friday, March 13, 2009
As usual I am doing my bit for Comic Relief - selling red noses.
First thing this morning I ran up to a policeman and biffed him one on the nose.
Then I made him hand over a quid.
What could he say? - its in a good cause ain't it?
Mind, I would not try this yourself. I can get away with it cos of my karisma.
Me and Unc always have a bit of a truce today - not surprisingly he is raising money too - he never miss an opportunity to play the bountiful elephant.
O.K. who else wants a red nose!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Old Bully Bounty is celebrating the cruel beating he gave us yesterday - we can hear his dreadful muzak blaring out from Castle Tyranny!
What can you do? - well,, one battle does not lose a war! we will never surrender - time to have a party and celebrate the coming revolution!
We invited Bob, the strolling minstrel, round and sang a few protest songs
"Militant Camanera trains every morning,
by the American base, which is an insulting stain."
Too right, mate.
Then we sang one of our favourites, about when we sawed through the platform during one of Unc's boasting speeches and kidnapped him.
"See that pompous humbug Unc
On the Platform raise his trunk"
sang Sigismund, and we all shouted:
"Stinggoon! Stinggoon! STINGGOON!"
"Watch him spouting like a pump.
Watch him sit, the oily lump:
That's the moment-
CRUMP! CRUMP! CRUMP!
At every 'CRUMP' we stamped our feet, then burst into the chorus:
"Stinggoon! Stinggoon! STINGGOON!"
We'll get you one day UNC!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Today we made our attack on the Emperor of Cocoa-Cadgers himself, the Tyrant of Homeward, Unc!
And we wuld have suckceded to if the pesky packyderm had not been warned of the attack!
The sneaks were lying in wait for us and tried to drown us in treacle!
It was a fierce battle.
You won't believe this - but I actually helped the arch boaster get out of the treacle when he got his fat behind stuck in it!
And how did the mean magnate repay me? - he gave me a good kicking up thats what!
It's bloomin' painful and I'm sure the birds were laffing at me on the way up!
Spose I'll just have to spend the rest of the day sitting on a rubber ring - I got bruises all over my bum!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
We have been planning this for months!
Ever since we spotted the potential of the recluse Sunset Beach.
The perfect place for bringing in a shipment of arms for the revolution!
We have bought up a huge job lot of the ultimate weapon - the Johnny Seven (One Man Army) gun!
Our master schemer, Hootman, has even found a way of adapting them to fire baldders of vinegar and duck bombs!
Unc won't know what has hit him, plus, cos he's been busy setting the world financial capitalist system to rights he has taken his eye off ball at home.
His complacency has given us the element of surprise!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tonight was the first evening of The Radio Badfort Accordion Hour.
This one had us all reaching for the tissues "...by night the only far accordion is heard somewhere..."
Well summink like that anyway.
We had to console ourselves by knocking back a few barrels of Black Tom.
Phil Jupitus has promised he will be bringing us some of his favourite pieces - hopefully not the birdie song on accordion!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The days are long gone when you and a few of your mates could take off to the fields and do a bit of twitting, on your own, with a few bottles of Black Tom.
The place is inundated with other twitters now (I blame that Stephen Fry) so I have produced this helpful guide for newbies.
But be warned twitting can lead to eye strain.
First off you will find the place is chock a block full of celebrities now. They all have a bit of space in the big tent and are surrounded by their followers - it can get a bit hectic.
Wossy has a large corner. If you want to grab his attention try jumping up and down a bit and banging on about comics, manga films or some such. Its not so crowded around his wife - shes mates with Unc but shes O.K. for royalty. But I have always been a bit suspicious of ferrets.
Glinner wrote some comedy about vicars on an island and he can be quite funny but it gets very fuggy around him cos he insists on smoking that damn pipe.
Of course, Stephen Fry got his own tent to himself, cos he got so many followers, but he often appearing and disappearing cos he is getting on now and has signal trouble - well you do get prostrate problems when you older.
Be warned, not all celebrities is real - some is just the proletariat wearing masks!
There is two Phil Jupitus, for instance (He's a mate and taught me the secret twits sign) but when we catch em, we dunk em in the water to see if they float or burn em at the stake. Sadly, this has led to some unfortunate incidents where real celebrities have been torched or drowned.
Sometime I see Unc wandering around being all high and mighty to his followers - so I usually stand at the back and shout obscenties at him.
Sometimes people will start following you - do not call the police. This is not unusual. But be careful sometime they just follow you cos they notice that you have got near some celeb and hope it make them all sparkly too.
People have even started following me around but that is because they kno that the revolution is coming and I will be the one to decide who is worthy.
Good luck Twitting, always keep your binoculars at hand in case you cannot get close!
Any advice feel free to DM me wotever that mean.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Well if its good enough for Gordon Brown and Unc I fought we would have a go at this ourselves.
Printing money! - Its a doddle, speshully if you have some expert badger forgers.
Bit smudgy but I don't think even Unc would spot the difference - keep schtum tho, we don't want the fat dictator finding out!
Long Live the Revolution!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Crunk Miners Strike when the tyrant Uncle tried to close a number of Crunk mines that he thought were 'unprofitable'.
As you kno Crunk is a staple of the diet of many of the poor dwarfs of Homeward but he said Butterskin Mute's Bread fruit wore cheaper!
Can you imagine Black Tom without Scob fish and Crunk!
It was a long and hard battle but in the end we won, or at least Unc got so fed up with our antics he said "Fine, I don't care - let them eat Crunk!"
Meanwhile Unc is off hobnobbing with the 'great and good' expounding his crackpot theories - everyone kno that capitalism is now dead as a dodo.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Last night, our intrepid investigative reporter, Hitmouse, spotted Unc living it up with his latest 'ackwaintence' the Ferret Princess.
"Go away you horrible urchin" cried Unc as he guzzled champagne and caviar. "We are just good friends out for an evening of fine dining!"
Clearly Unc is still obssesed with trying to impress royalty - he has always been in awe of them - being just a grubby self made elephant himself.
The Princess's husband is the well-nown radio disk jocky and TV personality 'Emperor Wosko'. Recently employed by Badfort Radio (The Voice of the People). What would he think of these shenanigans you might well ask?
"I maniged to doorstep him at the 'Grouchy Club' but all he would say is "Oi, that comic you paid me with is a fake!" said Hitmouse. I had to run for my life but I think I managed to throw a skewer at him.
We decided to ask Mister Brand, a friend of the couple, for his reaction to the 'affair' but he launched into a tirade against Radio Badfort (the Voice of the People).
"How come Woss got a valuable old comic and all I got was a crate of Black Tom! you wait you lot will be in my next booky wooky with your flummiry of diarlectical materialism!"