Uncle's Big Bash

Uncle's Big Bash

By Badfort News Star Investigative Reporter: Hitmouse

What a spectacle! So much so that even the host was heard to sigh under his breath: 'Oh my goodness I hope the populace of Homeward don't find this too excessive in the current economic climate?'

Yes, Uncle's party, to celebrate the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward, was excessive and in riotously poor taste. There were lavish fireworks, magnums of champagne, scob fish in tanks in the loos and canapés of ham and bananas.

So what went on at Uncle's star-studded party on Saturday night? The guests were certainly a dishevilled bunch when they left.


IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part One)

Guests arriving at Homeward, were greeted by an enormous image of Uncle projected 60ft high across the castle walls. He was surrounded by a purple and yellow lightshow, wishing him great wealth and happiness; in the best possible taste, naturally.


IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Two)

Waiters at the reception wore Uncle masks, and tablecloths featured Uncle's silhouette, printed onto the fabric. Wallpaper in the venue was specially designed with Uncle's head. One guest said: 'There was an Uncle theme, you might call it Uncle-centric.'

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Three)

In the loos, a video film ran on a continuous loop with various A-listers singing Uncle's praises and wishing him a Happy Anniversary. Barack Obama, Gordon Brown and the Ferret Princess were among the absentees paying tribute. There was, of course, a framed picture of Uncle in every stall, too.

ON THE CEILING

The main marquee was painted with a pastiche Michelangelo fresco, with You- Know-Who's face everywhere, gazing down at the party-goers beneath him.

THE DECOR

Like a supper club - lots of purple. Purple tablecloths, purple suede menus, purple roses, and huge chandeliers.

CANAPES

Three dwarfs brought round trays of mangworts, otherwise the canapés were retro and traditional - smoked python whiffet triangles, slices of dried goats' flesh, sausage cocktail on a bed of beetroot and miniature Scander puddings with roast beef inside.

THE CABARET

There was a circus theme with dozens of dancers, acrobats and a juggler.

This was followed by Cowgill's niece, Eva, singing a particularly soppy song in praise of Unc!

It was that kind of party.

THE FOOD

Unc likes fancy food, and didn't it show? Guests sat down to a bowl with the letters UNCLE in alphabet spaghetti.

Waiters then brought around a tureen of 'Uncle's soup' a traditional broth, which was poured over pasta. Main courses were a choice of either Cheese Spigot Pie (which was served with Uncle piped in mash) or Spottles and chips.

Afterwards a trio of puddings were served: Rankle crumble, Juba Jelly pudding and rice pudding, with jam or custard on the side if desired.

Finally, there was a huge cake built like a castle with a passage through it. You walked through the cake, and cut slices with your knife!

All very beautifully made and expensively presented, Unc's idea of the height of sophistication.

THE BOOZE

Not surprisingly, there was none! Not a tankard of Black Tom in sight! Lemonade cocktails was all that was on offer!

Everyone seemed to enjoy the hospitality, and Unc spent much of his night tablehopping and glad-handing as if he was a politician needing to be elected rather than a despotic tyrant!

THE TOP TABLE

Unc's U-shaped top table was decorated with two giant statues of himself.

He sat in the centre flanked by his cronies.

Also on the top table was Unc's friend and business partner Cheapman who took charge of organising the bash.

Cheapman was said to have been driven half to despair by the 'Mission Impossible' of throwing a big party for Unc - not only is he famously hard to please, he also doesn't much like parties.


THE SPEECHES

There was the usual old flannel fron the arch-boaster of Homeward.

"Thank you all, good citizens of Homeward for your good wishes and support! As a sign of my gratitude I declare that I will pay a shilling to all inhabitants when they pay their rent!" he declared pompously.

He made a particularly fawning reference to The Old Monkey, who he said had come through for him when he was down.

The evening ended with a giant firework display in which an effigy of the great dictator lit up the sky.

After the party I interviewed Mister Hateman who had been present at the vast gathering.

"I watched what went on, you might say. The miserable capitalist did not invite me, of course, but I disguised myself as a waiter. Managed to 'accidently' pour some soup over the pompous pachyderm!

Hundreds honour humbug! That's what I thought! Trust Unc to lord it up when all the rest of us is enduring hard times! A shilling every time the rent is paid. No rent, no shilling. That's what it amounts to! Bully Bounty knows most of the inhabitants don't pay rent. Why should they? Now he's thought of a way of making them do it. A nice Lord Bountiful he is!"