Unc's brother - violent past revealed

Baboon takes revenge on restaurant critic, Rudolph

We have uncovered extracts from the diary of Unc's brother Rudolph.

In recent years he has attempted to disguise the disgraceful incidents of his past, as a big-game hunter, with a new career as a restaurant critic and an expert in wilderness bushcraft and survival.

These extracts reveal his cruelty to musk-ox, wolves, grizzlies and in particular - ghosts.

"April 2nd. I am now in the celebrated Despair Valley. I have little hope of ever getting out. Over my head tower great cliffs of basalt. My last ration of dried musk-ox is lying at my feet...not scores, but hundreds of wolves are moving stealthily up. I string my crossbow. I have just one bolt left....I find that I have one small duck bomb, preserved from a previous visit to Homeward. I hurl the bomb at the laeder of the pack. It bursts and covers him with a yellow fluid which sends out a curious smell. He grows suspicious, and raps with his foot on the ground. It is the signal for retreat. The other wolves slink away. The leader of the pack tries to do so, but the glue-like fluid makes him a prisoner. Moving away from me are no less than nine hundred wolves. Scanty would have been my chance, if they had come on."

"April 19th. Shot three grizzlies before breakfast."

"April 20th. Cross Never-Never Creek which the Indians say is unfordable at this time of year"

"April 22nd. Anger of a ghost: I have shot so many things that I began to think that there was nothing else for me to shoot, but today I think I even frightened a ghost."

Spotter cards: What they look like and how they work

This kind of highly confidential document – pictured above – is rarely seen by the public.

These so-called "spotter cards" are issued by the Badgertown police to identify individuals they consider to be potential troublemakers.

A is our very own good citizen - Beaver Hateman.

Asked why it was justifiable to put Hateman, on this card, the Badgertown police replied:

"He is a known troublemaker - he is always making crude remarks about our great benefactor - Uncle!"

But Hateman has been acquitted of criminal damage, larceny, robbery, libel, blackmail, kidnapping, boot-legging and every trumped up charge that Unc has laid against him.

"If he pays us, too, like he do the judges - then we will remove his picture" remarked one badger, as an aside, when confronted with this invasion of privacy.

An official spokesman announced "This is an appropriate tactic used by the Badgertown police to help them identify people who are known instigators of offences and disorder."

Why, we asked, is the comedian Phil Jupitus amongst the "trouble-makers" pictured?

"He is a known supporter of Beaver Hateman and clearly a red under the bed - as disclosed in the Biased BBC blogspot!" came the reply.

A riposte to Unc!

Once more, Unc has baled out the capitalist hegemony!

In his address today there is little comfort for the hard pressed citizens of his castle.

Once more, the people of Homeward must suffer as the bankers of Badgertown reward themselves with sky-high bonuses - looked on approvingly by Unc as he quaffs another glass of champagne!

In what sense, we may ask, are we living in a democracy?

With the arch boaster and tyrant of Homeward ruling by cynical exploitation of the workers?

I say to those disillusioned by Unc's ill treatment of the masses, do not be afraid, join us, come back! Youse had your anti-communist fun, and you is pardoned for it - time to get down to some serious partying!

No more toiling for the pachyderm on high - lets have another round of Black Tom!

Unc blows his own trunk - again!

The arch boaster of Homeward is at it again!

In a pathetic attempt to get down with the people he has been twitting about wot he is wearing on his lapel everyday!

Not for him mere badges tho - no he has used the opportunity to show of his medals wot he earned by kowtowing to the so-called great and good!

Pass the sick bag! - this is the kind of blatant propaganda we are subjected to by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation everyday!

It is time that this Unc-biased broadcaster be exposed!

Super Injunction over Hoax!

LAST month a certain pachyderm obtained a high court injunction to prevent a certain newspaper from publishing a certain document. More than that we could not say; to do so was fraught with danger.

THE BADFORT NEWS was the first publication to print the full text of the now infamous Badgertown Town Council question, tabled by councillor Sigismund Hateman, which the tyrant of Homeward and his lawyers, Badger-Bunk, were trying to suppress.

The Councillors’s questions reflected widespread concern at the increasing prevalence of Uncle's secret “super-injunctions” which muzzle the press, and questions that had arisen over Unc's Celebratory Balloon Flight over Badgertown - commemorating the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward.

After publication of the questions themselves in THE BADFORT NEWS, Beaver Hateman, the magazine’s editor, said: “There is an emerging culture of Unc getting away with doing whatever he likes. I think THE BADFORT NEWS's job is to expose this. That is why I decided to publish the councillor’s questions as the first item in the Unc bashing column of THE BADFORT NEWS."

Those Council questions in full…

Sigismund’s question that Unc and his lawyers didn’t want published, claiming that to do so would be in contempt of court? Here it is in full:

"Sir, We at Badfort have been informed by our scientific advisor, Professor Hootman, that the whole of the populace of Badgertown were put at risk by Unc's balloon flight over it! The balloons were quite small and it is clear that his enormous weight could have fallen at any time onto our fair town! Is it not time for the tryant of Homeward to be restrained from these publicity seeking misadventures?"

We can now, exclusively, reveal that Badgertown was never in any danger as the entire balloon flight was a hoax!

Whilst being interviewed for TV, on the subject of the danger associated with his flight, he let slip "I was just a stuffed dummy you know"

The boastful bounder of Homeward unmasked!

"It was always clear that such small balloons could never support the gargantuan physique of Unc" remarked Hootman.

It would appear that driven by ego and fame Unc has, once more, mastermined another publicity stunt.

Of course, the tyrant denies it all.

Uncle's Big Bash

Uncle's Big Bash

By Badfort News Star Investigative Reporter: Hitmouse

What a spectacle! So much so that even the host was heard to sigh under his breath: 'Oh my goodness I hope the populace of Homeward don't find this too excessive in the current economic climate?'

Yes, Uncle's party, to celebrate the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward, was excessive and in riotously poor taste. There were lavish fireworks, magnums of champagne, scob fish in tanks in the loos and canapés of ham and bananas.

So what went on at Uncle's star-studded party on Saturday night? The guests were certainly a dishevilled bunch when they left.


IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part One)

Guests arriving at Homeward, were greeted by an enormous image of Uncle projected 60ft high across the castle walls. He was surrounded by a purple and yellow lightshow, wishing him great wealth and happiness; in the best possible taste, naturally.


IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Two)

Waiters at the reception wore Uncle masks, and tablecloths featured Uncle's silhouette, printed onto the fabric. Wallpaper in the venue was specially designed with Uncle's head. One guest said: 'There was an Uncle theme, you might call it Uncle-centric.'

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Three)

In the loos, a video film ran on a continuous loop with various A-listers singing Uncle's praises and wishing him a Happy Anniversary. Barack Obama, Gordon Brown and the Ferret Princess were among the absentees paying tribute. There was, of course, a framed picture of Uncle in every stall, too.

ON THE CEILING

The main marquee was painted with a pastiche Michelangelo fresco, with You- Know-Who's face everywhere, gazing down at the party-goers beneath him.

THE DECOR

Like a supper club - lots of purple. Purple tablecloths, purple suede menus, purple roses, and huge chandeliers.

CANAPES

Three dwarfs brought round trays of mangworts, otherwise the canapés were retro and traditional - smoked python whiffet triangles, slices of dried goats' flesh, sausage cocktail on a bed of beetroot and miniature Scander puddings with roast beef inside.

THE CABARET

There was a circus theme with dozens of dancers, acrobats and a juggler.

This was followed by Cowgill's niece, Eva, singing a particularly soppy song in praise of Unc!

It was that kind of party.

THE FOOD

Unc likes fancy food, and didn't it show? Guests sat down to a bowl with the letters UNCLE in alphabet spaghetti.

Waiters then brought around a tureen of 'Uncle's soup' a traditional broth, which was poured over pasta. Main courses were a choice of either Cheese Spigot Pie (which was served with Uncle piped in mash) or Spottles and chips.

Afterwards a trio of puddings were served: Rankle crumble, Juba Jelly pudding and rice pudding, with jam or custard on the side if desired.

Finally, there was a huge cake built like a castle with a passage through it. You walked through the cake, and cut slices with your knife!

All very beautifully made and expensively presented, Unc's idea of the height of sophistication.

THE BOOZE

Not surprisingly, there was none! Not a tankard of Black Tom in sight! Lemonade cocktails was all that was on offer!

Everyone seemed to enjoy the hospitality, and Unc spent much of his night tablehopping and glad-handing as if he was a politician needing to be elected rather than a despotic tyrant!

THE TOP TABLE

Unc's U-shaped top table was decorated with two giant statues of himself.

He sat in the centre flanked by his cronies.

Also on the top table was Unc's friend and business partner Cheapman who took charge of organising the bash.

Cheapman was said to have been driven half to despair by the 'Mission Impossible' of throwing a big party for Unc - not only is he famously hard to please, he also doesn't much like parties.


THE SPEECHES

There was the usual old flannel fron the arch-boaster of Homeward.

"Thank you all, good citizens of Homeward for your good wishes and support! As a sign of my gratitude I declare that I will pay a shilling to all inhabitants when they pay their rent!" he declared pompously.

He made a particularly fawning reference to The Old Monkey, who he said had come through for him when he was down.

The evening ended with a giant firework display in which an effigy of the great dictator lit up the sky.

After the party I interviewed Mister Hateman who had been present at the vast gathering.

"I watched what went on, you might say. The miserable capitalist did not invite me, of course, but I disguised myself as a waiter. Managed to 'accidently' pour some soup over the pompous pachyderm!

Hundreds honour humbug! That's what I thought! Trust Unc to lord it up when all the rest of us is enduring hard times! A shilling every time the rent is paid. No rent, no shilling. That's what it amounts to! Bully Bounty knows most of the inhabitants don't pay rent. Why should they? Now he's thought of a way of making them do it. A nice Lord Bountiful he is!"

Not Forgotten

A golden anniversary.

TAM !

We had wot we fort would be a lucrative weekend at The Amaz!ng Meeting, a fundraising celebration of science, critical thinking and entertainment in London.

There was a lot of discussion about science, pseudoscience, scepticism and the paranormal. As you can imagine I am particularly sceptikal of Unc and the magic stuff he gets up to with Wizard Blenkinsop - just an opiate for the people if you ask me.

The main speaker was this guy James Randi, who has an international reputation as a magician and escape artist, but today he is best known as the world's most tireless investigator and demystifier of paranormal and pseudoscientific claims.

What made my eyes light up, though, was the fact that his organisation offers a prize of one million U.S. dollars to anyone who can demonstrate a supernatural or paranormal ability!

Brilliant, I thought, this is a job for our scheming ghost, Hootman!

Just as Mister Randi was being all skeptical about the supernaturalism and all that, lo, and behold Hootman materialise on the stage and everyone scarper!

But, the Foundation wouldn't pay out the dosh cos they say 'the test was not conducted according to the proposed protocol'

What a bloomin' swizz!

Lord of the Dance

My heart goes out to my poor mate, Phil - the following article appeared today in Unc's propaganda sheet 'The Homeward Gazette'.

Comedian, broadcaster, writer and actor, Phil Jupitus has recently taken on the role of Edna Turnblad in the hit musical Hairspray at London's Shaftesbury Theatre.

Unfortunately he is having some difficulty in learning some of the crucial dance routines and has requested extra dance tuition.

Who could the management turn to for assistance?

Why none other, of course, than our very own great benefactor, Uncle!

For, the Shaftesbury Theatre is partly owned by Uncle - being one of the founder members of the Theatre of Comedy Company, a collective started by the famous playwright Ray Cooney, in conjunction with some 30 other leading actors, writers and directors.

Uncle is more famous for dramatic works rather than for comedy, indeed his plays have even be compared to the great works of the Bard of Bramley, Ernest Wiseman.

However, he collaborated on a number of farces with Mister Cooney, providing the structural complication that set them apart from other bawdy comedies. Most famous was there West End hit 'A Spot of Beaver' in which a left-wing militant is forced to hide underground in a Brighton Hotel.

Uncle's dance skills are not so well-known, but are so evident in the annual Xmas entertainments that he hosts. As Fred Astaire once said,"You know, that Uncle, he`s just terrific. That`s all there is to it. I adore this elephant. I really am crazy about his work."

We asked Uncle how he had found time in his busy schedule to tutor Mister Jupitus?

"Well, I have just got back from the G20 summit and I had planned a short break - but I am always willing to drop everything for a fellow thespian in trouble" was his selfless answer.

Had he any concerns that he might become a figure of ridicule dressed as a woman?

"No, I felt I had to wear the costume in order to show Mister Jupitus how to move in it, but I have no fear that an elephant of my reputation would look silly - in fact many have commented on what a sophisticated figure I cut!" he replied, with not a hint of gratification in his tone.

He refused to be drawn on the rumour, however, that he had been asked initially to replace Arlene Phillips on "Strictly Come Dancing' rather than Alesha Dixon.

"I am above all a gentleelephant, it would be wrong of me to comment on the subject, suffice to say that I am in great demand and could not give up every Saturday to the task."

Pompous Pachyderm!