My Hero - Beaver Hateman

Bout' time, I got the recognition I deserve - looks like 'The Guardian' is going to publish this article by Hitmouse. Quite flattering I fink.

My Hero - Beaver Hateman

Beaver Hateman is a saint amongst men, a true hero of the working classes.

A forward thinking revolutionary, he has worked tirelessly for the rights of the common man.

For many years he has selflessly led the Badfort People’s Front in its battle against the tyrannical regime of the arch–boaster and exploiter of the proletariat, Uncle.

He is a man for all the people, a man who stands up tall, and speaks of justice and liberty for all.

He has had to continually put up with the slanders of Unc and his cronies. When he built the People’s Palace, in order to bring a few meagre hours of joy to the workingman, he was accused of running a rigged casino joint.

Vile lies have been promulgated to suggest that he has used funds donated to the revolution for his own pleasure. The truth is, of course, that if not for his careful investments in the Black Tom Brewery and Scob Fisheries, Badfort would not have attained the pre-eminent position that it has in these industries today.

His achievements have been recognised around the world, he is a major player in the world of global politics. Naturally, one might think that this would distance him from the common folk – but no, our leader is as caring for their welfare as ever. A man of the people, he recently declared that everyone could leave the washing up for a week!

Hooray for Beaver!

Down with Unc’s Capitalistic regime!!!

Never Mind the Elephant!

Today, me, and that tyrant Unc, recorded an episode of that panel game "Never Mind the Buzzcocks!"

I, of course, was on my old mate Phil's team. I have all the credenshuls needed - being a bit of a punk. I dunno how Unc got on - he was obviously totally perplexed by the whole thing, he said the Old Monkey had advised him to do it becos its popular with young people and it would give him a chance to 'extol the virtues of good citizenship and entrepreneurship to modern youth' - fat chance!

The show was hosted by a young lad, James Corden.

Unc was on that Boosh blokes team - now he's a pretty surreal guy but you could tell even he was a bit flummoxed by a bread head elephant wearing a purple dressing gown!




"No offence," I said to James and Phil "but he makes you two seem positively svelte!"

There was a lovely girl on Unc's team, Janey Gruffalo I fink she said her name was. I could tell that she took a bit of a shine to me cos shes a bit of a political activist too - but she looked a bit dubious when I said that was great becos most of the birds who join the Badfort Crowd are a bit rough but she was quite a looker.



On my team was that bloke on that dinosaur telly programme - he was very relieved becos he had heard that they was going to make it again. He said he does comedy as well, apparently, but I fink he should stick to the serious stuff - after all I did get the most laffs.



First up we was asked a question concerning a unique fact about a musical artist, after watching a video. This was film of my group 'The Baddies' performing one of my own songs 'Revolution- Gotta get Unc out of our lives!'. The question was 'How did Mick Jagger describe his reaction on hearing this song?".I knew the answer of course! "It was a turning point for the counter cultural movement and truly inspired me, man. Beaver was my hero from them on." he said.

Correct! A point for my team!

Unc's team had a question about our punk hit "I've got a brand new bicycle" - but even with Unc on the panel they could not explain what had inspired it.

"We can answer" piped up Phil, with a bit of prompting from me. "It was based on the fact that Unc once stole a bicycle!"

"That is a falsehood!" spluttered Unc "I merely borrowed it! and if you transmit such allegations..."

But he was drowned out by laughter from the audience and we got another point!

The second round is the Intros Round, where two members of a team have to convey the introduction of a song, usually a cappella, for their fellow team mate to guess.

I did the guessing and knew straight away - "It's the Internationale!" I cried.

Unc did the guessing for the other team and he was useless!

"Is it the German carol "O Tannenbaum"?" he speculated.

"No, its The Red Flag!" I guffawed "No points to the tyrant pachyderm!"

The third round was the Identity Parade. The audience is shown a video of an old musician, and the teams have to pick the correct person from a line-up of five people. The audience and people at home are the only ones to see the video, making it harder for the contestants.

It were'nt very difficult though - I recognised our drummer from 'The Baddies', Hitmouse, straight away!

"Surely, it cannot be fair to have a member from the contestants own band!" queried Unc.

"Aw Shuddup, you're just a sore loser!" I screamed.

Unc's team were then told that they would have to pick out the composer Dimitri Shostakovich.

"But he's dead!" argued Unc.

They were presented with a line up of five skeletons and were obviously completely clueless!

"Look, they made it easy for him - sticking in a classical composer cos we know he knos nofink about modern music and he still got it wrong!" I crowed.

The final round is called Next Lines, in which the host will speak a line of a song and the team must name the next line of the song.

Unc could not even get the words to the lyrics "Hail, Glorious Uncle!" right!

"We love to hear of Uncle's deeds...?" asked James.

"He makes us feel so glad!" piped up Unc smugly.

"Thats not what I have for the answer!" said James.

"He is a pompous oaf?" I queried.

"Correct, that is the right answer!" declared James.

"No it is not!" burst out Unc "This whole game is a fix, a farrago!"

At that point he stormed out....well not exactly stormed out....he was in the ejector seat and I pressed the button.

He went flying out of the studio!

He nicked our idea!

We are going to sue that bloke Anish Kapoor - he's has nicked our paint cannon idea!

We used it on Unc when he was unveiling a new work at the Homeward Art Gallery. This new painting is a companion piece to the painting of him opening the Dwarfs Drinking Fountains. The new work, also by the artist Waldovenison Smeare, is entitled 'Uncle saves the Global Economy' and features him being fawned over by Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and other world leaders.

If it weren't for that tyrant Unc interfering the revolution would have began and I, Beaver Hateman, would be in charge.

Anyway, Unc stroll over to our cannon going "oh what a fascinating piece of sculpture" in his hoighty toighty voice and then we let him have it! Splat! Right in the face!

Of course him and his cronies chased after us and he have me a right kicking up - but it was worth it to see his paint splattered mug!

MTV Music Video Awards Fiasco

Our leader, Mister Beaver Hateman interrupted a robot's acceptance speech for Best Video in disgust that our own entry (featured above, that clearly should have won) had been ignored because of the political nature of its content.

"Workers Of The World, Meet Your Robot Replacements!" he cried as he took a swing at the offending instrument of capitalism with an axe.

"These awards should be for real musicians not circuit boards!" he cried as he was dragged away by Uncle's (the sponsor of the awards) security forces.



Here you can hear the soulless dirge of the robot 'Cybraphon'

How Derren Brown done it

Everbody wants to kno how that Derren Brown predicted the lottery numbers and I can reveal that it is a right swizz!

I had such high hopes after watching him get em all right.

I called a meeting of the Badfort Revolutionary Front.

"This is it comrades, the revolution begins now!" I declared "We just need to kidnap this Derren Brown and we can get loads of dosh - we find out how he got the numbers right and tap his psykick abilities!'

"But what if he just brainwashed us all?" piped up Sigismund.

"Even better!" I cried 'Cos if he can brainwash people like that we can just get him to control Gordon Brown's mind and get the Brits to invade Homeward and install me as El Presidento - the yanks do it all the time. Gordon Brown will just wake up one morning, after Derren's done his business, and think 'ah yes, Beaver Hateman would make the best leader for Homeward!' and then I'll be in charge instead of the fat dictator!"

"But, would he be willing to hipnotise his own Dad?" queried Fillijug.

"He'll do wot we bloomin' well tell him! - any objections?" I retorted.

Hitmouse looked embarrased and interjected "It woz me!"

"Wot you mean it woz you?" I asked.

"It woz me that did the numbers - I stuck them on the balls after they woz selected" he said sheepishly.

It only turns out that using Wizard Blenkinsop's Dressing Gown of Invisibility, wot we nicked last year, he had helped Derren to pull off his scam!

When you look at the footage of the show through ultraviolet glasses Hitmouse can be clearly seen sticking numbers on the balls!

Footage viewed normally



Footage viewed through ultraviolet lenses



As you can imagine we woz furious and have totally ostracised Hitmouse - fancy pulling off a con-trick like that and not cutting us in on it!

The Baddies - Rockband!

We are all very excited here at Badfort because Wednesday sees the release of The Beatles: Rock Band - a music video game in the Rock Band music video game series. Like other games in the series, it allows players to simulate the playing of some of our semolina hits!

The game has songs spanning our entire career, along with virtual depictions of us performing the songs at infamous concerts such as the one outside Badfort which rocked the foundations of Unc's castle.



The band consisted of me, Beaver, and my brothers Fillijug and Sigismund. We had to let Hitmouse play drums becos he fretened us with skewers.

Of course, this was our pre-punk days so our manager would not let us wear our trademark sackcloth suits.

Down with Monkeys

Hooray for Mister Stephen Fry!

He has at last vocalised what many of us have always thought but have been too scared to mention because of political correctness.

Down with Monkeys!

In an interview with the Radio Times he said "Monkeys remind me of the worst features of humanity. Greed, deceit, rapacity, cupidity, aggression, self-pity, selfishness - but without the altruism, compassion, curiosity and charm."


Have we not said all along that, the Old Monkey is a nasty scheming lackey of Uncle - avidly supporting his capitalist greed and the crushing of the proletariat?

Support our campaign against him and his deceitful clan by buying one of our 'Down with Monkeys' T-shirts.

They are already being sported by many celebrities and our great friends Phil Jupitus and Charlie Higson.