25th Anniversary - Crunk Not Unc

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Crunk Miners Strike when the tyrant Uncle tried to close a number of Crunk mines that he thought were 'unprofitable'.

As you kno Crunk is a staple of the diet of many of the poor dwarfs of Homeward but he said Butterskin Mute's Bread fruit wore cheaper!

Can you imagine Black Tom without Scob fish and Crunk!

It was a long and hard battle but in the end we won, or at least Unc got so fed up with our antics he said "Fine, I don't care - let them eat Crunk!"

Meanwhile Unc is off hobnobbing with the 'great and good' expounding his crackpot theories - everyone kno that capitalism is now dead as a dodo.

Unc panders to Princess!

Last night, our intrepid investigative reporter, Hitmouse, spotted Unc living it up with his latest 'ackwaintence' the Ferret Princess.

"Go away you horrible urchin" cried Unc as he guzzled champagne and caviar. "We are just good friends out for an evening of fine dining!"

Clearly Unc is still obssesed with trying to impress royalty - he has always been in awe of them - being just a grubby self made elephant himself.

The Princess's husband is the well-nown radio disk jocky and TV personality 'Emperor Wosko'. Recently employed by Badfort Radio (The Voice of the People). What would he think of these shenanigans you might well ask?

"I maniged to doorstep him at the 'Grouchy Club' but all he would say is "Oi, that comic you paid me with is a fake!" said Hitmouse. I had to run for my life but I think I managed to throw a skewer at him.

We decided to ask Mister Brand, a friend of the couple, for his reaction to the 'affair' but he launched into a tirade against Radio Badfort (the Voice of the People).

"How come Woss got a valuable old comic and all I got was a crate of Black Tom! you wait you lot will be in my next booky wooky with your flummiry of diarlectical materialism!"

Help the Needy

As you know the depression has hit us hard. We have had to dismantle Badfort and go and live in a Shanty Town outside the Fat Tyrant's house.

Give what you can - knowing that all your money will go to help the glorious revolution and the demise of the Great Dictator's stranglehold on the proletariat !

Giving in the Celebrity Spotlight

Uncle has once more involved himself in some kind of sickening egotistical power-trip.

He has gone undercover on the Badgertown Broadcasting Company programme "Secret Trillionaire".

Be warned, this programme is just a piece of tawdry PR about Uncle - not about the people he finds. They are merely there so that he can engage in some competitive philanthropy.

The fact that he's doing it on TV makes it more horrid still, though of course he probably wouldn't do it if it wasn't on TV, as that would be removing most of the reward. What would be the point of giving without anyone knowing about it?

So Uncle spends a few days in Badgertown deceiving people, pretending to be a poor volunteer. Then he reveals his true identity and laps up the adulation - all the better for being on TV. Hey, I'm not a volunteer at all, I'm Father Christmas. Do you really think I drive a clapped out car? There's an enormous, extremely expensive traction engine at home, I'm on the Homeward Gazette Rich List: at the top. Thank you, poor people, for making me feel better about myself - have a cheque. And maybe when the money runs out, you can come and see me about a loan (typical APR 23.1%).

One wonders whether he'd be any giving at all if it didn't come hand in hand with the chance to be on the telly for an hour. Four times longer than the fifteen minutes of fame most people aspire to. And the chance to see the awe on the young people's faces when you utter the magic words "I'm a trillionaire, you know."

Uncle's Games

Adrift in Space!

Not only have we been beaten to the moon by the fat dictator but we are also now adrift in space!

We have run out of fuel!

As you know our rocket is powered by Black Tom - and the idiot crew, who call themselves my loyal supporters, only went and drunk it all!

They even had the cheek, when I was haranguing them for their stupidity, to claim that I was the one who drank the most !!!

Is this to be the fate of the man chosen to lead Homeward to revolution?

Stuck in this tin box with a bunch of traitors to the cause?

Re-claiming the Moon

The moon will be ours!

Uncle's mission has been sabotaged. We will get there first and with the aid of the dwarfs in our pay we will soon overrun Homeward Moonbase.

The Black Tom that has been being produced on the moon for us, by the bribed dwarfs, is unique and will fetch a fortune on the open market. The coffers of the Badfort Popular Front will be richer than our wildest dreams!

We are issuing a commemorative stamp to record our great achievement. It features myself welcoming the first children from Badfort to the moon.

I confess I was quite choked up at the beauty of this image.