WikiLeaks cables: 'Rude' Uncle shocks US ambassador

The Badfort News

Uncle launched a scathing attack on Badfort anticorruption investigators, journalists and Beavers during an "astonishingly candid" performance at an official engagement that shocked a US diplomat.

Titania Goodfellow, Washington's ambassador to Badfort, recorded in a secret cable that Uncle spoke "cockily" at the brunch with business people, leading a discussion that "verged on the rude".

During the two-hour engagement in 2008 at a hotel in Badgertown, Uncle, who travels the globe boasting about his business prowess, attacked Badfort's corruption investigators "They've got a cheek! suggesting corruption in Badgertown with all their rotten little scams!"

He went on to denounce Badfort News reporters investigating bribery as "those (expletive) journalists … who poke their noses everywhere".

She said the talk turned at another point to allegations of corruption in Badfort: "While claiming that all of them never participated in it and never gave out bribes, one representative of a middle-sized company stated that 'it is sometimes an awful temptation'.

In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen then chorused that nothing gets done in Badfort if Beaver Hateman does not get 'his cut'.

The kind of vindictive statement one would expect from capitalists who fear our great leader's concern for the proletariat.

The US ambassador, a veteran career diplomat who speaks six languages, did not appear to have great regard for Unc's intellect.

Her dispatch included some passages noticeably tinged with sarcasm. In a section headed: "You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps", she wrote: "Again turning thoughtful, Uncle mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption in Badfort. They are a bunch of anarchists who want a free ride. But if you want to get on in this world you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Look at me - from humble, lowly beginnings, I am now the richest elephant in the world. I did it all myself. No one else can do it for you."

The ambassador also refers to the incident of the stolen bicycle - "One cannot help wondering if this was a one off incident? - can this elephant be trusted?"

Unc Propaganda

In his blog, today, Unc attempts to persuade the gullible to campaign for the republication of his biographies - thinly disguised capitalist propaganda!

http://talesfromhomeward.blogspot.com/2010/07/book-conspiracy.html

He has posted the following link in an attempt to put pressure on the publishers who he has already tried to bribe with offers of large sums of money and barrels of ham.

http://www.nybooks.com/books/recommend-book/

Do not be taken in by the tyrant of Homeward - he is merely jealous of the success of greater books such as 'The Audacity of Hope'

It is thought that he is working on a new tome, his first autobiograpy, 'My Journey - Homeward Bound'

It will no doubt be a pathetic attempt to justify his recent illegal attack on Badfort under the pretext that we held 'Barrels of Mass Intoxication'

We suggest that you go to the nybooks site and demand that this blatant propaganda be suppressed.

Bad Voters Turned Away!

In an appalling piece of election chicanery many voters wishing to vote for the Bad Party have been turned away from Polling Stations in the Badgertown Council Elections.

They had been enjoying, quite rightly, a few pints of Black Tom before exercising their democratic right to vote.

At closing time, they made their way to the polling station - only to be told they were too late and that they were intoxicated!

More enlightened election officers decided to have a lock-in, instead. This allowed voters to register their votes and carrying on drinking!

Vote Bad!

Uncle Danger!

The King of the Badgers could be forced to appeal to Uncle for help if voters elect a hung council in the forthcoming Badgertown election, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon warned today.

It would seem that he is trying to puncture the Nick Custard bubble ahead of the second Mayoral candidates' television debate tonight, Macaroon said that the City would be spooked by an unclear election result.

"Bond markets won't wait," the Mayoral candidate said of the likely City reaction to post-election backroom deals at the Badgertown Council. "The Snout will wobble. We have seen even minor flickers in the opinion polls causing problems with interest rates in the recent past.

"If the Badgetowners don't decide to put in a government with a working majority, and the markets think that we can't tackle our debt and deficit problems, then Uncle will have to do it for us."

Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, the BAD Party candidate, responded by saying "there is no way that fat tyrant is going to take over Badgertown!"

Beaver Hateman added "Just imagine how the banks and fund managers will behave with their friend in power. They will leech Badgertown dry! Vote Bad or the Pachyderm will be in charge!"

A future funfair for all!

Today the BAD party has issued its manifesto for the future of Badgertown.

In an audacious move The Bad Party mayoral candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, revealed their intention to turn Badgertown into a giant Fun Fair!.

"This will surpass anything that Homeward has to offer!" declared Beaver Hateman, leader of the BAD party. "Longer switchback railways, growth, national renewal, a giant ferris wheel, improved living standards in the all inclusive big tent, excellence in education - come dancing on the waltzer!, Life will be a rollercoaster of fun!, world leading healthcare if you fall off the carousel of life!, a giant house of mirrors (makes everything look better!) , strengthening our community with fear - a ghost train!, supporting familes as they ride the helter skelter!- City debt reduced at a stroke as visitors queue up for the marvels of Badgertown!"

Let's get to it! - the gloves are off!

Unc is up to his usual tricks - trying to get his own candidate, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon, elected in the Badgertown Town Council Election.

The Bad Party candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, has begun the campaign with great gusto!

He has called Unc out! - we intend to make fair fight of it, but expect to see Unc fighting dirty. Watch out for those evil sharp tusks!