Unc's dubious friends

So, Unc finks that he can pour scorn on us for having to shut down The News of Badfort !

What a cheek !

The Homeward Gazette is hardly the pillar of virtue he claims it to be - look at the company the old tyrant keeps !

His rag is just a mouth organ for the fat dictator's pompous pronouncements !

Tea with Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin came for tea - wot a luvly lady!

We did a bit of huntin' and fishin' on Gabys Marsh - my gun was bigger than hers cos i brought
my Johnny Seven OMA. We had a blast of a time!

 Then we had a plate of scob fish and washed it down with a few tankards of Black Tom,

She's just like one of the lads - good ol' girl!

Mind you she look stunning in a bikini! Phwoar!

I must say I was a bit smitten - we even seem to have the same political ideas - she very much against Big goverment and I say to her "There ain't many bigger than Unc! - the big fat Dictator!"

I fink she's a bit of an anarchist too - she say she is always going rogue, or summat, and her daughter sounds like a wild one and she been giving her a bit of trouble, 'parrently. She is married - but I fink I may still be in with a chance cos he's always off fishin' an skiing and stuff.

She says best not to keep in touch by e-mail cos she's had sum trouble with that recently but she promises she will write.

Who is Sarah Palin?

I have had a strange tweet from some woman in America!

She has invited herself around for tea!

I was goin' to tell her to sling her hook, but Hitmouse tells me that she come from Alaska and is probly some rich yank oil billionaire. Shuld be able to fleece her for a bob or two!

Plus, I fink she's a bit of a looker - praps she will turn out to be an anarchist groupie who will fall in love wiv me and donate all her dosh to the cause.

She seems a bit obsessed with tea parties - hope she don't mind scob fish washed down with Black Tom!

She liks a bit of huntin' and fishin' so praps we culd have a romantic evenin' on Gaby's Marsh together bagging urselfs sum scobs n' critters!

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

The Badfort Front Leadership commitee have scheduled the Revolution to begin tomorrow at 4.00 p.m. outside Badgertown Town Hall.

Do not expect any television coverage of the event - Unc is bound to censor any transmissions.

Our esteemed leader, Beaver Hateman, has penned a song in honour of the event.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

You will not be able to stay home, comrade.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out
You will not be able to lose yourself on Scob and skip,
Skip out for a Black Tom during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The Revolution will not be televised.
Homeward TV will show back to back episodes of Come Dine With Me,
The Final of Homeward’s Got Talent,
And commercial interruptions extolling Unc’s beneficence!   

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

I am a Fat Tyrant!

I am the Great Dictator of Homeward.

I tell everyone I am a great benefactor, but really I rob the poor.

In fact I STOLE A BIKE to start my fortune!

I am an arch-humbug, imposter, bully and BOASTER of the highest magnitude.

Old Snorty, they call me, behind my back, as I ride around like the BIG I AM on my traction engine.

I pay skinflint wages, and I am always blowing my own trumpet.

I rule with an iron trunk and squash all protests against me.

I have made the lives of peaceful protestors, such as the good folk of Badfort, a misery.

If the citizens of Homeward had any sense they would rise up against me – the fierce fat fool of Gangster Castle, Liar County, Robber Country, Taken-in-and-done-for-World.

WikiLeaks cables: Filthy Smirch !

A tissue of lies has appeared in the Homeward Gazette:

Badfort is a corrupt, autocratic kleptocracy centred on the leadership of Beaver Hateman in which officials, oligarchs and organised crime are bound together to create a "virtual mafia state", according to leaked secret diplomatic cables that provide a damning American assessment ofthe Badfort regime.

In his cables the US ambassador details countless examples of the theft and extortion carried out by the Badfort Crowd:

1) The farmer, Butterskin Mute, reports the theft of his largest pumpkins by Mister Hateman.

2) Mister Hateman pretended that he owned Lonely Tower (belonging to Uncle) and charged the occupants excessive rents.

3) Mister Hateman impersonated a school inspector and forged a permit to Sweet Tower for the children on order to appear generous at Uncle's expense.

4) Mister Hateman attempted to defraud Uncle by substituting gold for gilt lead.

5) Mister Hateman attempted to extort free food from Cadcoon's Store and when he was refused set the store on fire.

The ambassador went on to say:

"Beaver Hateman cannot be trusted - he likes to portray himself as the champion of the people, a modern day Robin Hood. But it is quite clear that his main aim is to steal from the rich (Uncle) and give to himself. His cloak of revolutionary fervour is merely a mask for criminal activity."

Beaver Hateman made clear he was not amused by a US diplomat's description of him . "To be honest with you, we did not suspect that this [criticism] could be made with such arrogance, with such rudeness, and you know, so unethically," he remarked.


Lies all lies! Who are the Yanks to lecture us? After years marked by brutal totalitarianism, economic chaos and the undermining of democratic processes by American imperialism, Badfort is moving forward!

WikiLeaks cables: 'Rude' Uncle shocks US ambassador

The Badfort News

Uncle launched a scathing attack on Badfort anticorruption investigators, journalists and Beavers during an "astonishingly candid" performance at an official engagement that shocked a US diplomat.

Titania Goodfellow, Washington's ambassador to Badfort, recorded in a secret cable that Uncle spoke "cockily" at the brunch with business people, leading a discussion that "verged on the rude".

During the two-hour engagement in 2008 at a hotel in Badgertown, Uncle, who travels the globe boasting about his business prowess, attacked Badfort's corruption investigators "They've got a cheek! suggesting corruption in Badgertown with all their rotten little scams!"

He went on to denounce Badfort News reporters investigating bribery as "those (expletive) journalists … who poke their noses everywhere".

She said the talk turned at another point to allegations of corruption in Badfort: "While claiming that all of them never participated in it and never gave out bribes, one representative of a middle-sized company stated that 'it is sometimes an awful temptation'.

In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen then chorused that nothing gets done in Badfort if Beaver Hateman does not get 'his cut'.

The kind of vindictive statement one would expect from capitalists who fear our great leader's concern for the proletariat.

The US ambassador, a veteran career diplomat who speaks six languages, did not appear to have great regard for Unc's intellect.

Her dispatch included some passages noticeably tinged with sarcasm. In a section headed: "You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps", she wrote: "Again turning thoughtful, Uncle mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption in Badfort. They are a bunch of anarchists who want a free ride. But if you want to get on in this world you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Look at me - from humble, lowly beginnings, I am now the richest elephant in the world. I did it all myself. No one else can do it for you."

The ambassador also refers to the incident of the stolen bicycle - "One cannot help wondering if this was a one off incident? - can this elephant be trusted?"