Bafta Triumph!

I would just like to take the opportunity to fank BAFTA and all our viewers for the award wot you gave me.

As yo kno, we won the international ward for our 'Play for Today' strand on Badfort TV in particular for the play 'Down with Unc" ritten by myself.

A searing inditement of the fat tyrants despotic rool as seen from the perspective of a downtrodden exploited dwarf slaving away in one of his many mines.

Uncle - Claim Jumper!

Yesterday, the arch-tyrant Uncle carried out a vicious attack on the innocent silver prospectors of Badfort.

An expedition had set out from Badfort to investigate rumours of a rich seam of silver having been found in the desert plains of Goldfish Lodge.

Led by Beaver Hateman riding the Wooden-Legged Donkey, and Nailrod Hateman on his trusty goat, Toothie, these intrepid explorers were quietly going about their business - armed only with the simple tools of their trade. Clubs, Duck Bombs and Pick Axes. Prerequisites of harmless mining activity.

Suddenly, they were set upon by that selfish ruler of Homeward and his gang of mercenaries. He was accompanied by a troop of camels wade down with the fruits of Uncle's exploitation - piles of silver.

Not content with this vast wealth, he had garnered from the desert, the greedy elephant wished to prevent anyone else from staking a claim on the fortunes to be found there.

"I am the only one who will lay claim here!" he declared and administered a cruel kicking up to Mister Hateman crying "We'll have none of that 50% tax here in Homeward either!"

Mister Hateman promised that this attack on the poor people of Badfort would not go unpunished.

No Frying Tonight

That tyrant Unc has got wind of our 'Scobfish' Lodge scam.

He has cut off all supplies of that delicious fish wot we was getting for nought.

We have no choice, therefore, but to reveal certain facts that we know about the arch-boaster of Homeward. Facts that the public need to know about their self-proclaimed leader and benefactor.

Firstly, it has come to light that he has an embarrassing medical condition; we have it on good authority that he has been diagnosed as being vastly obese.

Secondly we have information about certain financial irregularities regarding extortionate rents that have 'disappeared' from the far-flung corners of Homeward.

We challenge Unc to publish his full financial and medical records.

We also now have documentary evidence revealing his appalling behaviour.

Embarrassing photos have followed Uncle around throughout his career: posing in his Trunkingdon Club uniform at University, lying on the carpet at home in his louche dressing gown playing Uncopoly with his fellow pachyderms and squashing a stolen bicycle. But he knows that the most embarrassing photos from his past have yet to emerge.

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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

We went for a ride around London today - we was representing the four horses of the apocalypse Unc's Kicking Up, Unc's Gluttony, Unc's Financial Crimes and Unc's Rents.

Meanwhile, whilst Romes burns - metaforically speakin', two leaders of the world are mucking about impursonating me - I don't fink thats funny - I shuld hav been at that meeting. I would have sorted them out!

Capitalism ain't working and Unc's just stuffing himself!