Front Page Apology

Under the new voluntary, independent, press code I have introduced I am printing an apology to Uncle on the front page of the Badfort News.

Unc's hypocritical rant

Once more Unc is spouting hypocritical nonsense. He condemns us for the justifiable attack we made on the capitalist Dearman's store whilst having no morality himself.

As a young elephant he stole a bicycle and was a member of a gang that regularly caused chaos on the streets of Oxford.

This delinquent tyrant has the bare-faced cheek to criticise us for liberating a few televisions for the cause!

They were rubbish TV's anyway !

Unc's dubious friends

So, Unc finks that he can pour scorn on us for having to shut down The News of Badfort !

What a cheek !

The Homeward Gazette is hardly the pillar of virtue he claims it to be - look at the company the old tyrant keeps !

His rag is just a mouth organ for the fat dictator's pompous pronouncements !

Tea with Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin came for tea - wot a luvly lady!

We did a bit of huntin' and fishin' on Gabys Marsh - my gun was bigger than hers cos i brought
my Johnny Seven OMA. We had a blast of a time!

 Then we had a plate of scob fish and washed it down with a few tankards of Black Tom,

She's just like one of the lads - good ol' girl!

Mind you she look stunning in a bikini! Phwoar!

I must say I was a bit smitten - we even seem to have the same political ideas - she very much against Big goverment and I say to her "There ain't many bigger than Unc! - the big fat Dictator!"

I fink she's a bit of an anarchist too - she say she is always going rogue, or summat, and her daughter sounds like a wild one and she been giving her a bit of trouble, 'parrently. She is married - but I fink I may still be in with a chance cos he's always off fishin' an skiing and stuff.

She says best not to keep in touch by e-mail cos she's had sum trouble with that recently but she promises she will write.

Who is Sarah Palin?

I have had a strange tweet from some woman in America!

She has invited herself around for tea!

I was goin' to tell her to sling her hook, but Hitmouse tells me that she come from Alaska and is probly some rich yank oil billionaire. Shuld be able to fleece her for a bob or two!

Plus, I fink she's a bit of a looker - praps she will turn out to be an anarchist groupie who will fall in love wiv me and donate all her dosh to the cause.

She seems a bit obsessed with tea parties - hope she don't mind scob fish washed down with Black Tom!

She liks a bit of huntin' and fishin' so praps we culd have a romantic evenin' on Gaby's Marsh together bagging urselfs sum scobs n' critters!

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

The Badfort Front Leadership commitee have scheduled the Revolution to begin tomorrow at 4.00 p.m. outside Badgertown Town Hall.

Do not expect any television coverage of the event - Unc is bound to censor any transmissions.

Our esteemed leader, Beaver Hateman, has penned a song in honour of the event.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

You will not be able to stay home, comrade.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out
You will not be able to lose yourself on Scob and skip,
Skip out for a Black Tom during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The Revolution will not be televised.
Homeward TV will show back to back episodes of Come Dine With Me,
The Final of Homeward’s Got Talent,
And commercial interruptions extolling Unc’s beneficence!   

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

I am a Fat Tyrant!

I am the Great Dictator of Homeward.

I tell everyone I am a great benefactor, but really I rob the poor.

In fact I STOLE A BIKE to start my fortune!

I am an arch-humbug, imposter, bully and BOASTER of the highest magnitude.

Old Snorty, they call me, behind my back, as I ride around like the BIG I AM on my traction engine.

I pay skinflint wages, and I am always blowing my own trumpet.

I rule with an iron trunk and squash all protests against me.

I have made the lives of peaceful protestors, such as the good folk of Badfort, a misery.

If the citizens of Homeward had any sense they would rise up against me – the fierce fat fool of Gangster Castle, Liar County, Robber Country, Taken-in-and-done-for-World.