Power to the People !

Unc's hypocritical rant

2011-08-13T17:50:00.000+01:00

Once more Unc is spouting hypocritical nonsense. He condemns us for the justifiable attack we made on the capitalist Dearman's store whilst having no morality himself.

As a young elephant he stole a bicycle and was a member of a gang that regularly caused chaos on the streets of Oxford.

This delinquent tyrant has the bare-faced cheek to criticise us for liberating a few televisions for the cause!

They were rubbish TV's anyway !

Unc's dubious friends

2011-07-08T21:40:00.000+01:00

So, Unc finks that he can pour scorn on us for having to shut down The News of Badfort !

What a cheek !

The Homeward Gazette is hardly the pillar of virtue he claims it to be - look at the company the old tyrant keeps !

His rag is just a mouth organ for the fat dictator's pompous pronouncements !

Tea with Sarah Palin

2011-06-10T09:55:00.000+01:00

Sarah Palin came for tea - wot a luvly lady!

We did a bit of huntin' and fishin' on Gabys Marsh - my gun was bigger than hers cos i brought
my Johnny Seven OMA. We had a blast of a time!

Then we had a plate of scob fish and washed it down with a few tankards of Black Tom,

She's just like one of the lads - good ol' girl!

Mind you she look stunning in a bikini! Phwoar!

I must say I was a bit smitten - we even seem to have the same political ideas - she very much against Big goverment and I say to her "There ain't many bigger than Unc! - the big fat Dictator!"

I fink she's a bit of an anarchist too - she say she is always going rogue, or summat, and her daughter sounds like a wild one and she been giving her a bit of trouble, 'parrently. She is married - but I fink I may still be in with a chance cos he's always off fishin' an skiing and stuff.

She says best not to keep in touch by e-mail cos she's had sum trouble with that recently but she promises she will write.

Who is Sarah Palin?

2011-06-09T09:19:00.003+01:00

I have had a strange tweet from some woman in America!

She has invited herself around for tea!

I was goin' to tell her to sling her hook, but Hitmouse tells me that she come from Alaska and is probly some rich yank oil billionaire. Shuld be able to fleece her for a bob or two!

Plus, I fink she's a bit of a looker - praps she will turn out to be an anarchist groupie who will fall in love wiv me and donate all her dosh to the cause.

She seems a bit obsessed with tea parties - hope she don't mind scob fish washed down with Black Tom!

She liks a bit of huntin' and fishin' so praps we culd have a romantic evenin' on Gaby's Marsh together bagging urselfs sum scobs n' critters!

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

2011-05-28T15:04:00.002+01:00

The Badfort Front Leadership commitee have scheduled the Revolution to begin tomorrow at 4.00 p.m. outside Badgertown Town Hall.

Do not expect any television coverage of the event - Unc is bound to censor any transmissions.

Our esteemed leader, Beaver Hateman, has penned a song in honour of the event.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

You will not be able to stay home, comrade.
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out
You will not be able to lose yourself on Scob and skip,
Skip out for a Black Tom during commercials,
Because the revolution will not be televised.

The Revolution will not be televised.
Homeward TV will show back to back episodes of Come Dine With Me,
The Final of Homeward’s Got Talent,
And commercial interruptions extolling Unc’s beneficence!

The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.

I am a Fat Tyrant!

2011-01-31T16:12:00.000Z

I am the Great Dictator of Homeward.

I tell everyone I am a great benefactor, but really I rob the poor.

In fact I STOLE A BIKE to start my fortune!

I am an arch-humbug, imposter, bully and BOASTER of the highest magnitude.

Old Snorty, they call me, behind my back, as I ride around like the BIG I AM on my traction engine.

I pay skinflint wages, and I am always blowing my own trumpet.

I rule with an iron trunk and squash all protests against me.

I have made the lives of peaceful protestors, such as the good folk of Badfort, a misery.

If the citizens of Homeward had any sense they would rise up against me – the fierce fat fool of Gangster Castle, Liar County, Robber Country, Taken-in-and-done-for-World.

WikiLeaks cables: Filthy Smirch !

2010-12-02T14:12:00.001Z

A tissue of lies has appeared in the Homeward Gazette:

Badfort is a corrupt, autocratic kleptocracy centred on the leadership of Beaver Hateman in which officials, oligarchs and organised crime are bound together to create a "virtual mafia state", according to leaked secret diplomatic cables that provide a damning American assessment ofthe Badfort regime.

In his cables the US ambassador details countless examples of the theft and extortion carried out by the Badfort Crowd:

1) The farmer, Butterskin Mute, reports the theft of his largest pumpkins by Mister Hateman.

2) Mister Hateman pretended that he owned Lonely Tower (belonging to Uncle) and charged the occupants excessive rents.

3) Mister Hateman impersonated a school inspector and forged a permit to Sweet Tower for the children on order to appear generous at Uncle's expense.

4) Mister Hateman attempted to defraud Uncle by substituting gold for gilt lead.

5) Mister Hateman attempted to extort free food from Cadcoon's Store and when he was refused set the store on fire.

The ambassador went on to say:

"Beaver Hateman cannot be trusted - he likes to portray himself as the champion of the people, a modern day Robin Hood. But it is quite clear that his main aim is to steal from the rich (Uncle) and give to himself. His cloak of revolutionary fervour is merely a mask for criminal activity."

Beaver Hateman made clear he was not amused by a US diplomat's description of him . "To be honest with you, we did not suspect that this [criticism] could be made with such arrogance, with such rudeness, and you know, so unethically," he remarked.

Lies all lies! Who are the Yanks to lecture us? After years marked by brutal totalitarianism, economic chaos and the undermining of democratic processes by American imperialism, Badfort is moving forward!

WikiLeaks cables: 'Rude' Uncle shocks US ambassador

2010-11-30T09:08:00.000Z

The Badfort News

Uncle launched a scathing attack on Badfort anticorruption investigators, journalists and Beavers during an "astonishingly candid" performance at an official engagement that shocked a US diplomat.

Titania Goodfellow, Washington's ambassador to Badfort, recorded in a secret cable that Uncle spoke "cockily" at the brunch with business people, leading a discussion that "verged on the rude".

During the two-hour engagement in 2008 at a hotel in Badgertown, Uncle, who travels the globe boasting about his business prowess, attacked Badfort's corruption investigators "They've got a cheek! suggesting corruption in Badgertown with all their rotten little scams!"

He went on to denounce Badfort News reporters investigating bribery as "those (expletive) journalists … who poke their noses everywhere".

She said the talk turned at another point to allegations of corruption in Badfort: "While claiming that all of them never participated in it and never gave out bribes, one representative of a middle-sized company stated that 'it is sometimes an awful temptation'.

In an astonishing display of candour in a public hotel where the brunch was taking place, all of the businessmen then chorused that nothing gets done in Badfort if Beaver Hateman does not get 'his cut'.

The kind of vindictive statement one would expect from capitalists who fear our great leader's concern for the proletariat.

The US ambassador, a veteran career diplomat who speaks six languages, did not appear to have great regard for Unc's intellect.

Her dispatch included some passages noticeably tinged with sarcasm. In a section headed: "You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps", she wrote: "Again turning thoughtful, Uncle mused that outsiders could do little to change the culture of corruption in Badfort. They are a bunch of anarchists who want a free ride. But if you want to get on in this world you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Look at me - from humble, lowly beginnings, I am now the richest elephant in the world. I did it all myself. No one else can do it for you."

The ambassador also refers to the incident of the stolen bicycle - "One cannot help wondering if this was a one off incident? - can this elephant be trusted?"

Unc Propaganda

2010-07-22T09:23:00.006+01:00

In his blog, today, Unc attempts to persuade the gullible to campaign for the republication of his biographies - thinly disguised capitalist propaganda!

http://talesfromhomeward.blogspot.com/2010/07/book-conspiracy.html

He has posted the following link in an attempt to put pressure on the publishers who he has already tried to bribe with offers of large sums of money and barrels of ham.

http://www.nybooks.com/books/recommend-book/

Do not be taken in by the tyrant of Homeward - he is merely jealous of the success of greater books such as 'The Audacity of Hope'

It is thought that he is working on a new tome, his first autobiograpy, 'My Journey - Homeward Bound'

It will no doubt be a pathetic attempt to justify his recent illegal attack on Badfort under the pretext that we held 'Barrels of Mass Intoxication'

We suggest that you go to the nybooks site and demand that this blatant propaganda be suppressed.

Bad Voters Turned Away!

2010-05-07T11:08:00.003+01:00

In an appalling piece of election chicanery many voters wishing to vote for the Bad Party have been turned away from Polling Stations in the Badgertown Council Elections.

They had been enjoying, quite rightly, a few pints of Black Tom before exercising their democratic right to vote.

At closing time, they made their way to the polling station - only to be told they were too late and that they were intoxicated!

More enlightened election officers decided to have a lock-in, instead. This allowed voters to register their votes and carrying on drinking!

Vote Bad!

2010-05-06T20:32:00.001+01:00

Uncle Danger!

2010-04-22T14:01:00.006+01:00

The King of the Badgers could be forced to appeal to Uncle for help if voters elect a hung council in the forthcoming Badgertown election, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon warned today.

It would seem that he is trying to puncture the Nick Custard bubble ahead of the second Mayoral candidates' television debate tonight, Macaroon said that the City would be spooked by an unclear election result.

"Bond markets won't wait," the Mayoral candidate said of the likely City reaction to post-election backroom deals at the Badgertown Council. "The Snout will wobble. We have seen even minor flickers in the opinion polls causing problems with interest rates in the recent past.

"If the Badgetowners don't decide to put in a government with a working majority, and the markets think that we can't tackle our debt and deficit problems, then Uncle will have to do it for us."

Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, the BAD Party candidate, responded by saying "there is no way that fat tyrant is going to take over Badgertown!"

Beaver Hateman added "Just imagine how the banks and fund managers will behave with their friend in power. They will leech Badgertown dry! Vote Bad or the Pachyderm will be in charge!"

A future funfair for all!

2010-04-13T11:50:00.003+01:00

Today the BAD party has issued its manifesto for the future of Badgertown.

In an audacious move The Bad Party mayoral candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, revealed their intention to turn Badgertown into a giant Fun Fair!.

"This will surpass anything that Homeward has to offer!" declared Beaver Hateman, leader of the BAD party. "Longer switchback railways, growth, national renewal, a giant ferris wheel, improved living standards in the all inclusive big tent, excellence in education - come dancing on the waltzer!, Life will be a rollercoaster of fun!, world leading healthcare if you fall off the carousel of life!, a giant house of mirrors (makes everything look better!) , strengthening our community with fear - a ghost train!, supporting familes as they ride the helter skelter!- City debt reduced at a stroke as visitors queue up for the marvels of Badgertown!"

Let's get to it! - the gloves are off!

2010-04-11T17:25:00.003+01:00

Unc is up to his usual tricks - trying to get his own candidate, Dave, the biscuit, Macaroon, elected in the Badgertown Town Council Election.

The Bad Party candidate, Gordon 'Fudge' Brownie, has begun the campaign with great gusto!

He has called Unc out! - we intend to make fair fight of it, but expect to see Unc fighting dirty. Watch out for those evil sharp tusks!

Snouts in the Trough

2010-03-22T13:01:00.005Z

Our intrepid investigative reporter, Mister Hitmouse, has uncovered further evidence of the sleaze ridden state of the Badgertown Council.

Posing as a representative of a dwarf lobbying firm he secretly recorded former council ministers who were willing to use their access and influence with Uncle to lobby him - in return for cash.

Stephen Bears claimed that he had successfully lobbied Uncle to stump up some cash for tree houses for the ursine community. He offered himself as a "dancing bear for hire" with total access to the honeypot.

Geoff Hoot offered to lead delegations to Uncle. The senile old owl claimed that "I have been inside Uncle's inner sanctum - and even used his toilet!"

Uncle has dismissed the claims - "They are just trying to make themselves sound important - I have never met them and would certainly not allow them to call me Unc as had been suggested!"

Noddy Ninety, the incumbent Mayor, laughed at their stupidity in being taken in by Hitmouse. "He wore the same old false beard and glasses that he always wears undercover!" he smirked.

Asked to comment, on the antics at the Town Hall, Mister Beaver Hateman remarked "The wider issue here is the question of how it is that an unelected, non domicile, entrepreneur elephant wields so much influence over the affairs of Badgertown? He does not even pay taxes in Badgertown!"

King of the Badgers acts over 'secret' Uncle plan

2010-03-17T14:14:00.002Z

The King of the Badgers has been forced to intervene to stop Uncle parachuting more of his own candidates into safe seats for the forthcoming Badgertown Council Election.

Today Beaver Hateman mounted a highly personal,and justified, attack on Uncle - claiming the King of the Badgers is once more in hock to the tyrant of Homeward.

The King of the Badgers retorted "It is true that I have recently borrowed a small amount from the esteemed and most charitable owner of Homeward, however, let me make it quite clear - Badgertown cannot be bought!"

Our great leader, Mister Hateman declared that Uncle's involvement in the election showed how the devious pachyderm was now calling the shots.

Hoorah for Auntie! Down with Uncle!

2010-03-04T11:15:00.005Z

Auntie's loss is our gain in the fight against Unc!

Here at Badfort we have managed to pick up a load of new presenters for BAD RADIO 6 MUSIC really cheap!

So desperate are these redundant ex-celebs for work that they have agreed to our terms - 5s 6d a shift plus all the Black Tom they can drink.

Of course, there is always one whinger in any group and that Jupitus is getting on my wick. First of all, he starts moaning about the staff uniform of sack cloth.

"Do we have to wear this? - I have delicate skin and it is terribly itchy!" he weeped.

"Listen mate, you don't hear Lauren complaining do you? we all wear sack cloth in Badfort - it show we is at one with the proletariat - right?" I told him in no uncertain terms.

Then he start moaning again "Does every other song have to be a protest song about Uncle?" he say.

"Look," I reply "You ain't at the bloomin' BBC now - where they let you play any old bloomin' stuff - what's our motto?"

"Down with Unc" he replied morosely.

"Too right, mate! - and put a bit more vim into it - your lucky you still got gainful employment, and don't you forget it!" I warned him.

I hope he not gonna turn out to be a trouble maker.

Beaver Hateman calls for inquiry into Uncle bullying claims

2010-02-22T16:11:00.003Z

Following revelations in the Badfort News, Beaver Hateman today called for an inquiry into allegations that Uncle bullied staff at his palace, Homeward - and kicked a dwarf!

"These are very serious matters." he stated "It has long been suspected that the Tyrant of Homeward is as autocratic in his home as he is with any dissent voiced by the proletariat of Homeward. I am sure that the Dwarf Protection League civil in some way will want to have some sort of inquiry to get to the bottom of what has happened here."

Revelations in yesterday's Badfort News decribe an incident when Uncle learnt that this newspaper planned to lead its front page with how he had bribed a judge to convict Beaver Hateman on libel charges, he was "incandescent", says a member of his inner circle.

From his suite at Homeward, he rang complaining to Hitmouse, the editor of the Badfort News. "It's a Badfort plot," he raged, trying to bludgeon them into pulling the story. "This won't be forgotten."

He was maddest of all with his own team. Uncle went berserk with Bob Dwarf, whose long friendship did not protect the diminutive chap from a ferocious blast of Uncle's temper. "How could you let them do this to me, Bob?" Uncle screamed at the shaking dwarf.

Then Uncle started yelling at the other aides present: "Just get out! Just get out of my throne room!" The Old Monkey became so alarmed that he felt compelled to come into the room to protect the unfortunate dwarf.

Bur he was too late - Unc had administered one of his trademark kicking up's!

Support the Beaver Hateman tax

2010-02-12T14:53:00.002Z

Hope you is all enjoying the Badfort Olympics!

There has been a rush of support for this brill new tax wheeze I have come up wiff.

Of course, Unc don't like it cos he just bought the Badgertown Bank - the capitalist tyrant!

Register your support at our website.

***STOP PRESS***STOP PRESS***STOP PRESS***STOP PRESS***STOP PRESS***

Unc has hacked into our site and disabled all the buttons and everyfink!

Don't worry we won't let that him stifle us! we will soon have it running again and then we'll show him - in the maentime you can always donate to the cause...Postal orders and I.O.U's accepted.

Virtual Revolution!

2010-02-08T14:50:00.003Z

We have decided that the best way to topple the tyrant Unc is to expose him via the interweb. Badileaks is a new site where his misdeeds will be exposed.

Where the ballot box has failed - becos he is a bloomin' dictator! - the internet will succeed!

Join us against the tyrant! - any information you may have about his tyrannous acts can be twitted to @badleaks.

Banned from Cheapman's!

2010-01-31T13:32:00.010Z

Cheapman has caused a furore, here at Badfort, by banning shoppers in sackcloth nightdresses, saying it could 'cause offence or embarassment to other customers'.

This act has clearly been instigated by the tyrant Unc as another part of his vindictive campaign against the Badfort Crowd.

Beaver Hateman slammed the confused messages sent out by accusing Cheapman's Store of exercising double standards.

'Why is it OK for posh Unc, to go shopping in his purple dressing gown, but not for normal people like us?'

Cheapman defended the decision by saying "We do not have a strict dress code - but Unc, er, I mean, many of our prominent customers have complained at how unsightly and rough the attire of some shoppers is."

"I quite agree with Cheapman's decision - the dress sense of some of his shoppers is slovenly and rude!" declared Unc.

Hateman branded Cheapman "Snobbish. This is just pathetic and shows how stuck up some people and elephants can be."

Uncle regularly whipped himself!

2010-01-28T12:07:00.002Z

Shock revelations have been revealed in The Badfort News today!

"In his closet, among his purple dressing gowns, there was hung on a clothes hanger a particular kind of belt which he used as a whip," writes Hitmouse the paper's fearless investigative reporter.

It appears that in his younger days the dictator of Homeward often slept on a bare floor so that he could practise self-denial and asceticism.

"It is clear the aspect of penitence was present in Uncle's life as he climbed the greasy pole upwards " declared Beaver Hateman in a news conference today. "It should be seen as part of the profound guilt he felt over his exploitation of the proletariat and his crushing of all opposition."

"Not such a saint after all!" smirked Hitmouse.

Rage Against Unc!

2009-12-16T15:03:00.004Z

As you know, for many years Unc has held the Badgertown Singing Competition - as a means to control the music industry. Every year the winning artist releases an insipid song at Christmas that goes straight to Number 1 - lining the coffers of Unc's record company.

This year we have Joe Badger's awful rendition of "I'll be back in my burrow for Christmas!"

We at the Badfort Crowd urge you to support the Christmas Number One - 2009 campaign and buy our release instead - "Workin' in the name of" (the fat tyrant of Homeward).

Workin’ in the name of!
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses

Huh!

Workin’ in the name of!
Workin’ in the name of

And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
But now you do what Unc told ya
Well now you do what Unc told ya

Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!
Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!

Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Some of those that work for Unc, are the same that get big bonuses
Uggh!

Workin’ in the name of!
Workin’ in the name of

And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control (7 times)
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya, now you're under control
And now you do what Unc told ya!

Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!
Those who sell out, for Unc’s dollar, traitors to the revolution!
Down with Unc!

Yeah! Down with Unc!

Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
Bloomin’ Unc, I won't do what you tell me
'OribbleUnc!
Uggh!

Andy 'Digger' Badger guilty of bullying

2009-11-24T09:59:00.005Z

Extract from the 'Badfort News':

The former editor of the 'Homeward Gazette', Andy 'Digger' Badger, has been revealed to have led a culture of bullying at the newspaper.

Matt Badger, a sports reporter who was sacked while on long-term sick leave for burrow depression has been awarded a payout of £500 by an employment tribunal.

It is now apparent that Andy 'Digger' Badger wanted to "get shot" of him.

'Digger' earned his nickname for his tenacious desire to dig the dirt on Mister Hateman and his followers here at Badfort.

He was forced to resign from the 'Homeward Gazette' following the discovery that he had been tapping the phones of the Badfort Revolutionary Front.

We asked Mister Hateman for his opinion on the news:

"It comes as no surprise to me, after all, he worked for the bully bounder dictator of Homeward - Unc the Tyrant!. What should concern us all is the fact that 'Digger' is now the head of communications for Dave 'Smiley' Badger's campaign to be elected Mayor of Badgertown! What dirty tricks can we expect from this psychopath!"

The Ragged Sack-clothed Philanthropists

2009-11-16T18:40:00.005Z

The Ragged Sack-clothed Philanthropists

An excerpt from an editorial by Hitmouse in The Badfort News.

We have had reports of an inflammatory speech by the King of the Badgers. As usual, Unc, the arch Boaster of Homeward, has been propping up the outmoded royalist regime of the ruler of Badgertown. He always has his hand out for dosh from the fat tyrant.

We asked Mister Hateman, leader of the Badfort Revolutionary Front for his comments:

"Here at Badfort, as you know, we are busy with our new projects for the people. The new Black Tom Distillery is nearing completion, The Scob Fish Smoking Factory is meeting the Five Year Plan and the People's Casino is raking it in!

This is the true nature of Philanthropy - we take from the workers and give back to the workers - more or less. So in our simple sack cloth garments we are the true philanthropists! Not that overbearing dictator sitting on his throne in Homeward.

Never fear, he will be defeated and from the ruins of the capitalist system will surely grow a glorious co-operative commonwealth, run by me - Citizen Hateman.

Free Black Tom for all! From the long night of drinking a light will shine throughout the happy world - the rays of the risen sun of socialism!

Don't worry! If it still all seems a little hazy some hair of the dog will do the trick!"

Rubbish Xmas Ad!

2009-11-13T12:54:00.004Z

Look at this rubbish ad Cheapman has put on the telly for inflatable Unc's for Christmas!

The old tyrant will be furious!

Captain Revolution

2009-11-06T11:23:00.005Z

My followers is always saying that I am a real superhero - so I fort I would have a costume made for me.

I am going to call myself Captain Revolution and as always I will fight for truth, justice and the proletarian revolution!

This is an artist mock-up of me standing in front of the skyscrapers of Homeward ready to do battle with Unc the capitalist tyrant!

What you fink? It make a nice change from sack cloth but it a bit tight on my bottom.

I am finking of getting either Dave Gibbons or best of all Leo Baxendale to draw my adventures!

All Lies

2009-11-05T16:12:00.003Z

As usual, Unc is blowing his own trumpet and telling porky pies again.

Oir esteemed citizen, Mr Laurence Goatsby never poisoned Unc's rubbish drinking fountains.

Having heard of the disgraceful state Unc had left then in he merely took a small keg of disinfectant to clean then up and make them usable again.

When he arrived on his errand of mercy he found the Dictator waiting for him. The latter made some offensive remarks and Mr Goatsby quietly tried to leave.

He was at once surrounded by a menacing crowd, some of them bearing lethal weapons.

In an effort to escape with his life, Mr Goatsby unfortunately tripped and fell into the fountain reservoir, and suffered shock and a severe cold.

The insinuation that he was trying to blackmail the dwarfs into paying protection money by poisoning the water is a lie typical of Unc the fierce fat fool of Gangster Castle!

The power of twits

2009-11-01T15:51:00.004Z

Thats what I like to see - the power of democrasy!

All you need to do is enlist some help from the twitterati!

Litrally millions have used #downwithunc to express their abhorrence of the behaviour of the tyrant of Homeward.

Soon, he shall hang his head in shame and go back to the jungle where he belong!

Freedom! Revolution! Anarchy!

Unc's brother - violent past revealed

2009-10-27T17:14:00.011Z

Baboon takes revenge on restaurant critic, Rudolph

We have uncovered extracts from the diary of Unc's brother Rudolph.

In recent years he has attempted to disguise the disgraceful incidents of his past, as a big-game hunter, with a new career as a restaurant critic and an expert in wilderness bushcraft and survival.

These extracts reveal his cruelty to musk-ox, wolves, grizzlies and in particular - ghosts.

"April 2nd. I am now in the celebrated Despair Valley. I have little hope of ever getting out. Over my head tower great cliffs of basalt. My last ration of dried musk-ox is lying at my feet...not scores, but hundreds of wolves are moving stealthily up. I string my crossbow. I have just one bolt left....I find that I have one small duck bomb, preserved from a previous visit to Homeward. I hurl the bomb at the laeder of the pack. It bursts and covers him with a yellow fluid which sends out a curious smell. He grows suspicious, and raps with his foot on the ground. It is the signal for retreat. The other wolves slink away. The leader of the pack tries to do so, but the glue-like fluid makes him a prisoner. Moving away from me are no less than nine hundred wolves. Scanty would have been my chance, if they had come on."

"April 19th. Shot three grizzlies before breakfast."

"April 20th. Cross Never-Never Creek which the Indians say is unfordable at this time of year"

"April 22nd. Anger of a ghost: I have shot so many things that I began to think that there was nothing else for me to shoot, but today I think I even frightened a ghost."

Spotter cards: What they look like and how they work

2009-10-26T18:00:00.005Z

This kind of highly confidential document – pictured above – is rarely seen by the public.

These so-called "spotter cards" are issued by the Badgertown police to identify individuals they consider to be potential troublemakers.

A is our very own good citizen - Beaver Hateman.

Asked why it was justifiable to put Hateman, on this card, the Badgertown police replied:

"He is a known troublemaker - he is always making crude remarks about our great benefactor - Uncle!"

But Hateman has been acquitted of criminal damage, larceny, robbery, libel, blackmail, kidnapping, boot-legging and every trumped up charge that Unc has laid against him.

"If he pays us, too, like he do the judges - then we will remove his picture" remarked one badger, as an aside, when confronted with this invasion of privacy.

An official spokesman announced "This is an appropriate tactic used by the Badgertown police to help them identify people who are known instigators of offences and disorder."

Why, we asked, is the comedian Phil Jupitus amongst the "trouble-makers" pictured?

"He is a known supporter of Beaver Hateman and clearly a red under the bed - as disclosed in the Biased BBC blogspot!" came the reply.

A riposte to Unc!

2009-10-25T21:18:00.005Z

Once more, Unc has baled out the capitalist hegemony!

In his address today there is little comfort for the hard pressed citizens of his castle.

Once more, the people of Homeward must suffer as the bankers of Badgertown reward themselves with sky-high bonuses - looked on approvingly by Unc as he quaffs another glass of champagne!

In what sense, we may ask, are we living in a democracy?

With the arch boaster and tyrant of Homeward ruling by cynical exploitation of the workers?

I say to those disillusioned by Unc's ill treatment of the masses, do not be afraid, join us, come back! Youse had your anti-communist fun, and you is pardoned for it - time to get down to some serious partying!

No more toiling for the pachyderm on high - lets have another round of Black Tom!

Unc blows his own trunk - again!

2009-10-22T10:32:00.004+01:00

The arch boaster of Homeward is at it again!

In a pathetic attempt to get down with the people he has been twitting about wot he is wearing on his lapel everyday!

Not for him mere badges tho - no he has used the opportunity to show of his medals wot he earned by kowtowing to the so-called great and good!

Pass the sick bag! - this is the kind of blatant propaganda we are subjected to by the Badgertown Broadcasting Corporation everyday!

It is time that this Unc-biased broadcaster be exposed!

Super Injunction over Hoax!

2009-10-19T09:17:00.007+01:00

LAST month a certain pachyderm obtained a high court injunction to prevent a certain newspaper from publishing a certain document. More than that we could not say; to do so was fraught with danger.

THE BADFORT NEWS was the first publication to print the full text of the now infamous Badgertown Town Council question, tabled by councillor Sigismund Hateman, which the tyrant of Homeward and his lawyers, Badger-Bunk, were trying to suppress.

The Councillors’s questions reflected widespread concern at the increasing prevalence of Uncle's secret “super-injunctions” which muzzle the press, and questions that had arisen over Unc's Celebratory Balloon Flight over Badgertown - commemorating the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward.

After publication of the questions themselves in THE BADFORT NEWS, Beaver Hateman, the magazine’s editor, said: “There is an emerging culture of Unc getting away with doing whatever he likes. I think THE BADFORT NEWS's job is to expose this. That is why I decided to publish the councillor’s questions as the first item in the Unc bashing column of THE BADFORT NEWS."

Those Council questions in full…

Sigismund’s question that Unc and his lawyers didn’t want published, claiming that to do so would be in contempt of court? Here it is in full:

"Sir, We at Badfort have been informed by our scientific advisor, Professor Hootman, that the whole of the populace of Badgertown were put at risk by Unc's balloon flight over it! The balloons were quite small and it is clear that his enormous weight could have fallen at any time onto our fair town! Is it not time for the tryant of Homeward to be restrained from these publicity seeking misadventures?"

We can now, exclusively, reveal that Badgertown was never in any danger as the entire balloon flight was a hoax!

Whilst being interviewed for TV, on the subject of the danger associated with his flight, he let slip "I was just a stuffed dummy you know"

The boastful bounder of Homeward unmasked!

"It was always clear that such small balloons could never support the gargantuan physique of Unc" remarked Hootman.

It would appear that driven by ego and fame Unc has, once more, mastermined another publicity stunt.

Of course, the tyrant denies it all.

Uncle's Big Bash

2009-10-13T18:11:00.017+01:00

Uncle's Big Bash

By Badfort News Star Investigative Reporter: Hitmouse

What a spectacle! So much so that even the host was heard to sigh under his breath: 'Oh my goodness I hope the populace of Homeward don't find this too excessive in the current economic climate?'

Yes, Uncle's party, to celebrate the anniversary of his purchase of Homeward, was excessive and in riotously poor taste. There were lavish fireworks, magnums of champagne, scob fish in tanks in the loos and canapés of ham and bananas.

So what went on at Uncle's star-studded party on Saturday night? The guests were certainly a dishevilled bunch when they left.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part One)

Guests arriving at Homeward, were greeted by an enormous image of Uncle projected 60ft high across the castle walls. He was surrounded by a purple and yellow lightshow, wishing him great wealth and happiness; in the best possible taste, naturally.

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Two)

Waiters at the reception wore Uncle masks, and tablecloths featured Uncle's silhouette, printed onto the fabric. Wallpaper in the venue was specially designed with Uncle's head. One guest said: 'There was an Uncle theme, you might call it Uncle-centric.'

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME (Part Three)

In the loos, a video film ran on a continuous loop with various A-listers singing Uncle's praises and wishing him a Happy Anniversary. Barack Obama, Gordon Brown and the Ferret Princess were among the absentees paying tribute. There was, of course, a framed picture of Uncle in every stall, too.

ON THE CEILING

The main marquee was painted with a pastiche Michelangelo fresco, with You- Know-Who's face everywhere, gazing down at the party-goers beneath him.

THE DECOR

Like a supper club - lots of purple. Purple tablecloths, purple suede menus, purple roses, and huge chandeliers.

CANAPES

Three dwarfs brought round trays of mangworts, otherwise the canapés were retro and traditional - smoked python whiffet triangles, slices of dried goats' flesh, sausage cocktail on a bed of beetroot and miniature Scander puddings with roast beef inside.

THE CABARET

There was a circus theme with dozens of dancers, acrobats and a juggler.

This was followed by Cowgill's niece, Eva, singing a particularly soppy song in praise of Unc!

It was that kind of party.

THE FOOD

Unc likes fancy food, and didn't it show? Guests sat down to a bowl with the letters UNCLE in alphabet spaghetti.

Waiters then brought around a tureen of 'Uncle's soup' a traditional broth, which was poured over pasta. Main courses were a choice of either Cheese Spigot Pie (which was served with Uncle piped in mash) or Spottles and chips.

Afterwards a trio of puddings were served: Rankle crumble, Juba Jelly pudding and rice pudding, with jam or custard on the side if desired.

Finally, there was a huge cake built like a castle with a passage through it. You walked through the cake, and cut slices with your knife!

All very beautifully made and expensively presented, Unc's idea of the height of sophistication.

THE BOOZE

Not surprisingly, there was none! Not a tankard of Black Tom in sight! Lemonade cocktails was all that was on offer!

Everyone seemed to enjoy the hospitality, and Unc spent much of his night tablehopping and glad-handing as if he was a politician needing to be elected rather than a despotic tyrant!

THE TOP TABLE

Unc's U-shaped top table was decorated with two giant statues of himself.

He sat in the centre flanked by his cronies.

Also on the top table was Unc's friend and business partner Cheapman who took charge of organising the bash.

Cheapman was said to have been driven half to despair by the 'Mission Impossible' of throwing a big party for Unc - not only is he famously hard to please, he also doesn't much like parties.

THE SPEECHES

There was the usual old flannel fron the arch-boaster of Homeward.

"Thank you all, good citizens of Homeward for your good wishes and support! As a sign of my gratitude I declare that I will pay a shilling to all inhabitants when they pay their rent!" he declared pompously.

He made a particularly fawning reference to The Old Monkey, who he said had come through for him when he was down.

The evening ended with a giant firework display in which an effigy of the great dictator lit up the sky.

After the party I interviewed Mister Hateman who had been present at the vast gathering.

"I watched what went on, you might say. The miserable capitalist did not invite me, of course, but I disguised myself as a waiter. Managed to 'accidently' pour some soup over the pompous pachyderm!

Hundreds honour humbug! That's what I thought! Trust Unc to lord it up when all the rest of us is enduring hard times! A shilling every time the rent is paid. No rent, no shilling. That's what it amounts to! Bully Bounty knows most of the inhabitants don't pay rent. Why should they? Now he's thought of a way of making them do it. A nice Lord Bountiful he is!"

Not Forgotten

2009-10-11T10:55:00.002+01:00

A golden anniversary.

TAM !

2009-10-04T19:24:00.004+01:00

We had wot we fort would be a lucrative weekend at The Amaz!ng Meeting, a fundraising celebration of science, critical thinking and entertainment in London.

There was a lot of discussion about science, pseudoscience, scepticism and the paranormal. As you can imagine I am particularly sceptikal of Unc and the magic stuff he gets up to with Wizard Blenkinsop - just an opiate for the people if you ask me.

The main speaker was this guy James Randi, who has an international reputation as a magician and escape artist, but today he is best known as the world's most tireless investigator and demystifier of paranormal and pseudoscientific claims.

What made my eyes light up, though, was the fact that his organisation offers a prize of one million U.S. dollars to anyone who can demonstrate a supernatural or paranormal ability!

Brilliant, I thought, this is a job for our scheming ghost, Hootman!

Just as Mister Randi was being all skeptical about the supernaturalism and all that, lo, and behold Hootman materialise on the stage and everyone scarper!

But, the Foundation wouldn't pay out the dosh cos they say 'the test was not conducted according to the proposed protocol'

What a bloomin' swizz!

Lord of the Dance

2009-10-02T11:53:00.005+01:00

My heart goes out to my poor mate, Phil - the following article appeared today in Unc's propaganda sheet 'The Homeward Gazette'.

Comedian, broadcaster, writer and actor, Phil Jupitus has recently taken on the role of Edna Turnblad in the hit musical Hairspray at London's Shaftesbury Theatre.

Unfortunately he is having some difficulty in learning some of the crucial dance routines and has requested extra dance tuition.

Who could the management turn to for assistance?

Why none other, of course, than our very own great benefactor, Uncle!

For, the Shaftesbury Theatre is partly owned by Uncle - being one of the founder members of the Theatre of Comedy Company, a collective started by the famous playwright Ray Cooney, in conjunction with some 30 other leading actors, writers and directors.

Uncle is more famous for dramatic works rather than for comedy, indeed his plays have even be compared to the great works of the Bard of Bramley, Ernest Wiseman.

However, he collaborated on a number of farces with Mister Cooney, providing the structural complication that set them apart from other bawdy comedies. Most famous was there West End hit 'A Spot of Beaver' in which a left-wing militant is forced to hide underground in a Brighton Hotel.

Uncle's dance skills are not so well-known, but are so evident in the annual Xmas entertainments that he hosts. As Fred Astaire once said,"You know, that Uncle, he`s just terrific. That`s all there is to it. I adore this elephant. I really am crazy about his work."

We asked Uncle how he had found time in his busy schedule to tutor Mister Jupitus?

"Well, I have just got back from the G20 summit and I had planned a short break - but I am always willing to drop everything for a fellow thespian in trouble" was his selfless answer.

Had he any concerns that he might become a figure of ridicule dressed as a woman?

"No, I felt I had to wear the costume in order to show Mister Jupitus how to move in it, but I have no fear that an elephant of my reputation would look silly - in fact many have commented on what a sophisticated figure I cut!" he replied, with not a hint of gratification in his tone.

He refused to be drawn on the rumour, however, that he had been asked initially to replace Arlene Phillips on "Strictly Come Dancing' rather than Alesha Dixon.

"I am above all a gentleelephant, it would be wrong of me to comment on the subject, suffice to say that I am in great demand and could not give up every Saturday to the task."

Pompous Pachyderm!

My Hero - Beaver Hateman

2009-09-30T11:50:00.004+01:00

Bout' time, I got the recognition I deserve - looks like 'The Guardian' is going to publish this article by Hitmouse. Quite flattering I fink.

My Hero - Beaver Hateman

Beaver Hateman is a saint amongst men, a true hero of the working classes.

A forward thinking revolutionary, he has worked tirelessly for the rights of the common man.

For many years he has selflessly led the Badfort People’s Front in its battle against the tyrannical regime of the arch–boaster and exploiter of the proletariat, Uncle.

He is a man for all the people, a man who stands up tall, and speaks of justice and liberty for all.

He has had to continually put up with the slanders of Unc and his cronies. When he built the People’s Palace, in order to bring a few meagre hours of joy to the workingman, he was accused of running a rigged casino joint.

Vile lies have been promulgated to suggest that he has used funds donated to the revolution for his own pleasure. The truth is, of course, that if not for his careful investments in the Black Tom Brewery and Scob Fisheries, Badfort would not have attained the pre-eminent position that it has in these industries today.

His achievements have been recognised around the world, he is a major player in the world of global politics. Naturally, one might think that this would distance him from the common folk – but no, our leader is as caring for their welfare as ever. A man of the people, he recently declared that everyone could leave the washing up for a week!

Hooray for Beaver!

Down with Unc’s Capitalistic regime!!!

Never Mind the Elephant!

2009-09-29T16:12:00.014+01:00

Today, me, and that tyrant Unc, recorded an episode of that panel game "Never Mind the Buzzcocks!"

I, of course, was on my old mate Phil's team. I have all the credenshuls needed - being a bit of a punk. I dunno how Unc got on - he was obviously totally perplexed by the whole thing, he said the Old Monkey had advised him to do it becos its popular with young people and it would give him a chance to 'extol the virtues of good citizenship and entrepreneurship to modern youth' - fat chance!

The show was hosted by a young lad, James Corden.

Unc was on that Boosh blokes team - now he's a pretty surreal guy but you could tell even he was a bit flummoxed by a bread head elephant wearing a purple dressing gown!

"No offence," I said to James and Phil "but he makes you two seem positively svelte!"

There was a lovely girl on Unc's team, Janey Gruffalo I fink she said her name was. I could tell that she took a bit of a shine to me cos shes a bit of a political activist too - but she looked a bit dubious when I said that was great becos most of the birds who join the Badfort Crowd are a bit rough but she was quite a looker.

On my team was that bloke on that dinosaur telly programme - he was very relieved becos he had heard that they was going to make it again. He said he does comedy as well, apparently, but I fink he should stick to the serious stuff - after all I did get the most laffs.

First up we was asked a question concerning a unique fact about a musical artist, after watching a video. This was film of my group 'The Baddies' performing one of my own songs 'Revolution- Gotta get Unc out of our lives!'. The question was 'How did Mick Jagger describe his reaction on hearing this song?".I knew the answer of course! "It was a turning point for the counter cultural movement and truly inspired me, man. Beaver was my hero from them on." he said.

Correct! A point for my team!

Unc's team had a question about our punk hit "I've got a brand new bicycle" - but even with Unc on the panel they could not explain what had inspired it.

"We can answer" piped up Phil, with a bit of prompting from me. "It was based on the fact that Unc once stole a bicycle!"

"That is a falsehood!" spluttered Unc "I merely borrowed it! and if you transmit such allegations..."

But he was drowned out by laughter from the audience and we got another point!

The second round is the Intros Round, where two members of a team have to convey the introduction of a song, usually a cappella, for their fellow team mate to guess.

I did the guessing and knew straight away - "It's the Internationale!" I cried.

Unc did the guessing for the other team and he was useless!

"Is it the German carol "O Tannenbaum"?" he speculated.

"No, its The Red Flag!" I guffawed "No points to the tyrant pachyderm!"

The third round was the Identity Parade. The audience is shown a video of an old musician, and the teams have to pick the correct person from a line-up of five people. The audience and people at home are the only ones to see the video, making it harder for the contestants.

It were'nt very difficult though - I recognised our drummer from 'The Baddies', Hitmouse, straight away!

"Surely, it cannot be fair to have a member from the contestants own band!" queried Unc.

"Aw Shuddup, you're just a sore loser!" I screamed.

Unc's team were then told that they would have to pick out the composer Dimitri Shostakovich.

"But he's dead!" argued Unc.

They were presented with a line up of five skeletons and were obviously completely clueless!

"Look, they made it easy for him - sticking in a classical composer cos we know he knos nofink about modern music and he still got it wrong!" I crowed.

The final round is called Next Lines, in which the host will speak a line of a song and the team must name the next line of the song.

Unc could not even get the words to the lyrics "Hail, Glorious Uncle!" right!

"We love to hear of Uncle's deeds...?" asked James.

"He makes us feel so glad!" piped up Unc smugly.

"Thats not what I have for the answer!" said James.

"He is a pompous oaf?" I queried.

"Correct, that is the right answer!" declared James.

"No it is not!" burst out Unc "This whole game is a fix, a farrago!"

At that point he stormed out....well not exactly stormed out....he was in the ejector seat and I pressed the button.

He went flying out of the studio!

He nicked our idea!

2009-09-25T13:11:00.006+01:00

We are going to sue that bloke Anish Kapoor - he's has nicked our paint cannon idea!

We used it on Unc when he was unveiling a new work at the Homeward Art Gallery. This new painting is a companion piece to the painting of him opening the Dwarfs Drinking Fountains. The new work, also by the artist Waldovenison Smeare, is entitled 'Uncle saves the Global Economy' and features him being fawned over by Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and other world leaders.

If it weren't for that tyrant Unc interfering the revolution would have began and I, Beaver Hateman, would be in charge.

Anyway, Unc stroll over to our cannon going "oh what a fascinating piece of sculpture" in his hoighty toighty voice and then we let him have it! Splat! Right in the face!

Of course him and his cronies chased after us and he have me a right kicking up - but it was worth it to see his paint splattered mug!

MTV Music Video Awards Fiasco

2009-09-14T15:28:00.005+01:00

Our leader, Mister Beaver Hateman interrupted a robot's acceptance speech for Best Video in disgust that our own entry (featured above, that clearly should have won) had been ignored because of the political nature of its content.

"Workers Of The World, Meet Your Robot Replacements!" he cried as he took a swing at the offending instrument of capitalism with an axe.

"These awards should be for real musicians not circuit boards!" he cried as he was dragged away by Uncle's (the sponsor of the awards) security forces.

Here you can hear the soulless dirge of the robot 'Cybraphon'

How Derren Brown done it

2009-09-11T12:09:00.013+01:00

Everbody wants to kno how that Derren Brown predicted the lottery numbers and I can reveal that it is a right swizz!

I had such high hopes after watching him get em all right.

I called a meeting of the Badfort Revolutionary Front.

"This is it comrades, the revolution begins now!" I declared "We just need to kidnap this Derren Brown and we can get loads of dosh - we find out how he got the numbers right and tap his psykick abilities!'

"But what if he just brainwashed us all?" piped up Sigismund.

"Even better!" I cried 'Cos if he can brainwash people like that we can just get him to control Gordon Brown's mind and get the Brits to invade Homeward and install me as El Presidento - the yanks do it all the time. Gordon Brown will just wake up one morning, after Derren's done his business, and think 'ah yes, Beaver Hateman would make the best leader for Homeward!' and then I'll be in charge instead of the fat dictator!"

"But, would he be willing to hipnotise his own Dad?" queried Fillijug.

"He'll do wot we bloomin' well tell him! - any objections?" I retorted.

Hitmouse looked embarrased and interjected "It woz me!"

"Wot you mean it woz you?" I asked.

"It woz me that did the numbers - I stuck them on the balls after they woz selected" he said sheepishly.

It only turns out that using Wizard Blenkinsop's Dressing Gown of Invisibility, wot we nicked last year, he had helped Derren to pull off his scam!

When you look at the footage of the show through ultraviolet glasses Hitmouse can be clearly seen sticking numbers on the balls!

Footage viewed normally

Footage viewed through ultraviolet lenses

As you can imagine we woz furious and have totally ostracised Hitmouse - fancy pulling off a con-trick like that and not cutting us in on it!

The Baddies - Rockband!

2009-09-07T14:40:00.006+01:00

We are all very excited here at Badfort because Wednesday sees the release of The Beatles: Rock Band - a music video game in the Rock Band music video game series. Like other games in the series, it allows players to simulate the playing of some of our semolina hits!

The game has songs spanning our entire career, along with virtual depictions of us performing the songs at infamous concerts such as the one outside Badfort which rocked the foundations of Unc's castle.

The band consisted of me, Beaver, and my brothers Fillijug and Sigismund. We had to let Hitmouse play drums becos he fretened us with skewers.

Of course, this was our pre-punk days so our manager would not let us wear our trademark sackcloth suits.

Down with Monkeys

2009-09-03T09:46:00.009+01:00

Hooray for Mister Stephen Fry!

He has at last vocalised what many of us have always thought but have been too scared to mention because of political correctness.

Down with Monkeys!

In an interview with the Radio Times he said "Monkeys remind me of the worst features of humanity. Greed, deceit, rapacity, cupidity, aggression, self-pity, selfishness - but without the altruism, compassion, curiosity and charm."

Have we not said all along that, the Old Monkey is a nasty scheming lackey of Uncle - avidly supporting his capitalist greed and the crushing of the proletariat?

Support our campaign against him and his deceitful clan by buying one of our 'Down with Monkeys' T-shirts.

They are already being sported by many celebrities and our great friends Phil Jupitus and Charlie Higson.

Uncle is a Tart!

2009-08-10T10:20:00.004+01:00

Uncle was photographed last week as he holidayed at Owl Springs. He was riding a horse, climbing trees and fishing as well as swimming.

The pictures showed him trying to look soulful and caring. He was overheard to say “Do my arms look big in this ?” “Oh, yes Uncle.” replied the Old Monkey.

These images were clearly, once again, designed to boost the tyrant's macho image.

But do we really want to see the arch-boaster prancing about on holiday, displaying both his pasty white torso and such gross vanity?

Look at that pose. Look at the exposed flesh, the transparent obsession with his own image. The elephant is a tart.

Sordid past of Unc Revealed!

2009-08-03T13:30:00.010+01:00

As many of you will be aware Unc has been exploring the inglorious antics of his ancestors for the popular television programme 'Who Do You Think You Are?".

We have managed to get hold of some material that he has put an embargo on the public seeing in this programme.

Firstly, despite his claims of humble beginnings, the photograph above shows him wearing a ridiculous top hat and lording it up with his fellow cronies at a top British public school.

The photo below is even more scandalous and one that both Unc and a Mister David Cameron have tried to keep hidden from public scrutiny.

It shows that Unc was, whilst at University, was, indeed, a member of the infamous Bullingdon Club a socially exclusive student dining club at Oxford University, infamous for its members' wealth and destructive binges. It should be noted Membership is by invitation only, and prohibitively expensive for most, given the need to pay for the uniform, dinners and damages.

We are presently engaged on getting information from the staff of certain restaurants that we expect to reveal the appalling behaviour of the tyrant elephant.

What, we ask, would the British public make of the fact that a possible future prime minister consorted with an elephant of such ill repute - a known bicycle thief?

Yes, we finally have proof. The picture below shows Unc eying up the said bicycle shortly before making off with it.

We have even managed to obtain the bicycle - squashed beyond repair. Our resident artist, Mister Jellytussle Esq, has turned it into a work of art that we intend to exhibit at the forthcoming Uncle Academy Show.

All in the public interest

2009-07-09T11:35:00.008+01:00

That political mouthpiece of the arch dictator, Unc, The Homeward Gazette has printed a disgraceful slur on The Badfort News.

The article whinges about the techniques used by our intrepid investigative reporter,
Hitmouse, to uncover the corrupt shenanigans of Unc and his followers.

Only last month, he was dragged before the courts accused of hacking into mobile phone texts. He made an impassioned plea for the importance of our newspapers work in exposing matters of public interest.

Let us make it clear - The Badfort News has always insisted that it would not break the law and would use subterfuge only if essential in the public interest.

Judge Jeffreys passed a harsh sentence - one hour of community service. Hitmouse declared that he was prepared to suffer the indignity of this punishment - for the sake of journalistic freedom to pursue the truth!

Be assured - the fight goes on!

Salute to a great Socialist

2009-05-27T09:53:00.003+01:00

A great socialist has died.

Here is a message from the old geezer who writes up my adventures.

My brother has died - he was more than a brother, he was my best friend. He was the biggest fan of this blog and I know it gave him a great deal of joy to read Uncle's and Beaver's latest misadventures. I loved him very much, and at the moment I cannot imagine being able to return to writing it.

I know, he would not have wanted it to stop and I hope that one day I might be able to start writing it again.

Boot'em out!

2009-05-15T11:15:00.009+01:00

We thought robbery in our neighborhood was only carried out in a big way by the Magnate of Homeward.

Now we know that the councillors at Badgertown Town Hall are at it too.

Nobody objects to paying rates if they get value for money, but we at Badfort get no light, no road-mending, no drains and no edukashun.

Now, our intripid investigative reporter, Hitmouse, has revealed the truth of how the councillors is lining their pockets.

We at the Badfort News say boot out these fiddlers.

When Noddy Ninety, the incumbint mayor, said he was intensely relaxed about people being stinking rich I don't fink anyone thought he meant politicians!

When we at Badfort fell a bit short on being able to pay the money wot we borrowed they sent the bloomin' baliffs in did'nt they? - kicking in our door and trying to nick our stuff.

If it good enuff for us why isn't it good enuff for those crooks in the Town Hall?

We need a Council Election and anyone who has been on the fiddle should be barred from standing!

Our illustrous leader, Beaver Hateman is ready to step into the breach and bring back respect to the mayoral office. "My manifesto 'Fermenting Revolution' delivers an empowering message about how individuals can change the world through the simple act of having a pint of Black Tom. I propose that the King of the Badgers Palace been turned into a brewery!" he declared.

A new leader is needed in Badgertown. Somebody who will fight for your rights. Watch for him. He is coming SOON.

Two Gnashers Ninety!

2009-05-09T15:56:00.007+01:00

The Badfort News today reveals the truth behind the extravagant expenses claims made by Noddy Ninety, the Mayor of Badgertown, and the fat cat councillors of Badgertown Town Hall.

Amongst his expenses he has included payment to his brother Neddy Ninety for 'cleaning services', the refurbishment of his car and caravan in a 'mock-tudor' style and two sets of false teeth.

Public funds have also been used to build a massive Garden Railway at his second home in Badgertown.

As usual, Uncle, in his blog, has attempted to divert attention from the crisis by making spurious claims against Mister Battersby - owner of the boutique hotel 'Skinner's'.

Mister Battersby is an illustrious citizen of Badfort, and has long made his hotel available at very affordable rates to councillors.

"After all," said Mister Battersby "One feels that one has a civic duty to provide a home from home for our hard working public servants."

Bafta Triumph!

2009-04-28T15:30:00.004+01:00

I would just like to take the opportunity to fank BAFTA and all our viewers for the award wot you gave me.

As yo kno, we won the international ward for our 'Play for Today' strand on Badfort TV in particular for the play 'Down with Unc" ritten by myself.

A searing inditement of the fat tyrants despotic rool as seen from the perspective of a downtrodden exploited dwarf slaving away in one of his many mines.

Uncle - Claim Jumper!

2009-04-26T17:26:00.006+01:00

Yesterday, the arch-tyrant Uncle carried out a vicious attack on the innocent silver prospectors of Badfort.

An expedition had set out from Badfort to investigate rumours of a rich seam of silver having been found in the desert plains of Goldfish Lodge.

Led by Beaver Hateman riding the Wooden-Legged Donkey, and Nailrod Hateman on his trusty goat, Toothie, these intrepid explorers were quietly going about their business - armed only with the simple tools of their trade. Clubs, Duck Bombs and Pick Axes. Prerequisites of harmless mining activity.

Suddenly, they were set upon by that selfish ruler of Homeward and his gang of mercenaries. He was accompanied by a troop of camels wade down with the fruits of Uncle's exploitation - piles of silver.

Not content with this vast wealth, he had garnered from the desert, the greedy elephant wished to prevent anyone else from staking a claim on the fortunes to be found there.

"I am the only one who will lay claim here!" he declared and administered a cruel kicking up to Mister Hateman crying "We'll have none of that 50% tax here in Homeward either!"

Mister Hateman promised that this attack on the poor people of Badfort would not go unpunished.

No Frying Tonight

2009-04-13T09:51:00.008+01:00

That tyrant Unc has got wind of our 'Scobfish' Lodge scam.

He has cut off all supplies of that delicious fish wot we was getting for nought.

We have no choice, therefore, but to reveal certain facts that we know about the arch-boaster of Homeward. Facts that the public need to know about their self-proclaimed leader and benefactor.

Firstly, it has come to light that he has an embarrassing medical condition; we have it on good authority that he has been diagnosed as being vastly obese.

Secondly we have information about certain financial irregularities regarding extortionate rents that have 'disappeared' from the far-flung corners of Homeward.

We challenge Unc to publish his full financial and medical records.

We also now have documentary evidence revealing his appalling behaviour.

Embarrassing photos have followed Uncle around throughout his career: posing in his Trunkingdon Club uniform at University, lying on the carpet at home in his louche dressing gown playing Uncopoly with his fellow pachyderms and squashing a stolen bicycle. But he knows that the most embarrassing photos from his past have yet to emerge.

,

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

2009-04-01T18:42:00.006+01:00

We went for a ride around London today - we was representing the four horses of the apocalypse Unc's Kicking Up, Unc's Gluttony, Unc's Financial Crimes and Unc's Rents.

Meanwhile, whilst Romes burns - metaforically speakin', two leaders of the world are mucking about impursonating me - I don't fink thats funny - I shuld hav been at that meeting. I would have sorted them out!

Capitalism ain't working and Unc's just stuffing himself!

Free the Badfort Four!

2009-03-16T12:42:00.006Z

Calamitous day! Fellow members of the Badfort Crowd are being held for 'security checks' by Twitter.

Hitmouse, Jellytussle, Hootman and the Wooden-legged Donkey have had their voices silenced!

This is clearly the work of the infamous tyrant Unc - who wishes to suppress any voices of dissent and has now brought his influence to bear on the internet.

Wot next?

They claim that the four were behaving suspiciously - clearly they had probably just indulged in a little too much Black Tom - since whens that a crime!

Please do all you can to support @Hitmouse , @Hootmantheghost , @BadJellytussle , and @woodlegdonkey

Free the Badfort Four
Free free
Free free free the Badfort Four

Free the Badfort Four

21 hours in captivity
The ain’t even got any shoes for their feet
Held by Twitter, but their minds are still free
Its all Unc’s doing but you cannot see

Free the Badfort Four

Red Nose Day!

2009-03-13T08:53:00.006Z

As usual I am doing my bit for Comic Relief - selling red noses.

First thing this morning I ran up to a policeman and biffed him one on the nose.

Then I made him hand over a quid.

What could he say? - its in a good cause ain't it?

Mind, I would not try this yourself. I can get away with it cos of my karisma.

Me and Unc always have a bit of a truce today - not surprisingly he is raising money too - he never miss an opportunity to play the bountiful elephant.

O.K. who else wants a red nose!

Donate here

One battle does not lose a war!

2009-03-12T10:20:00.005Z

Old Bully Bounty is celebrating the cruel beating he gave us yesterday - we can hear his dreadful muzak blaring out from Castle Tyranny!

What can you do? - well,, one battle does not lose a war! we will never surrender - time to have a party and celebrate the coming revolution!

We invited Bob, the strolling minstrel, round and sang a few protest songs

"Militant Camanera trains every morning,
by the American base, which is an insulting stain."

Too right, mate.

Then we sang one of our favourites, about when we sawed through the platform during one of Unc's boasting speeches and kidnapped him.

"See that pompous humbug Unc
On the Platform raise his trunk"

sang Sigismund, and we all shouted:

"Stinggoon! Stinggoon! STINGGOON!"

"Watch him spouting like a pump.
Watch him sit, the oily lump:
That's the moment-
CRUMP! CRUMP! CRUMP!

At every 'CRUMP' we stamped our feet, then burst into the chorus:

"Stinggoon! Stinggoon! STINGGOON!"

We'll get you one day UNC!

Kicked Up!

2009-03-11T11:11:00.007Z

Today we made our attack on the Emperor of Cocoa-Cadgers himself, the Tyrant of Homeward, Unc!

And we wuld have suckceded to if the pesky packyderm had not been warned of the attack!

The sneaks were lying in wait for us and tried to drown us in treacle!

It was a fierce battle.

You won't believe this - but I actually helped the arch boaster get out of the treacle when he got his fat behind stuck in it!

And how did the mean magnate repay me? - he gave me a good kicking up thats what!

It's bloomin' painful and I'm sure the birds were laffing at me on the way up!

Spose I'll just have to spend the rest of the day sitting on a rubber ring - I got bruises all over my bum!

The Ultimate Weapon - Johnny 7 OMA

2009-03-10T14:04:00.004Z

We have been planning this for months!

Ever since we spotted the potential of the recluse Sunset Beach.

The perfect place for bringing in a shipment of arms for the revolution!

We have bought up a huge job lot of the ultimate weapon - the Johnny Seven (One Man Army) gun!

Our master schemer, Hootman, has even found a way of adapting them to fire baldders of vinegar and duck bombs!

Unc won't know what has hit him, plus, cos he's been busy setting the world financial capitalist system to rights he has taken his eye off ball at home.

His complacency has given us the element of surprise!

The Radio Badfort Accordion Hour

2009-03-09T20:31:00.003Z

Tonight was the first evening of The Radio Badfort Accordion Hour.

This one had us all reaching for the tissues "...by night the only far accordion is heard somewhere..."

Well summink like that anyway.

We had to console ourselves by knocking back a few barrels of Black Tom.

Phil Jupitus has promised he will be bringing us some of his favourite pieces - hopefully not the birdie song on accordion!

Beaver's Guide to Twitting

2009-03-08T10:07:00.008Z

The days are long gone when you and a few of your mates could take off to the fields and do a bit of twitting, on your own, with a few bottles of Black Tom.

The place is inundated with other twitters now (I blame that Stephen Fry) so I have produced this helpful guide for newbies.

But be warned twitting can lead to eye strain.

First off you will find the place is chock a block full of celebrities now. They all have a bit of space in the big tent and are surrounded by their followers - it can get a bit hectic.

Wossy has a large corner. If you want to grab his attention try jumping up and down a bit and banging on about comics, manga films or some such. Its not so crowded around his wife - shes mates with Unc but shes O.K. for royalty. But I have always been a bit suspicious of ferrets.

Glinner wrote some comedy about vicars on an island and he can be quite funny but it gets very fuggy around him cos he insists on smoking that damn pipe.

Of course, Stephen Fry got his own tent to himself, cos he got so many followers, but he often appearing and disappearing cos he is getting on now and has signal trouble - well you do get prostrate problems when you older.

Be warned, not all celebrities is real - some is just the proletariat wearing masks!

There is two Phil Jupitus, for instance (He's a mate and taught me the secret twits sign) but when we catch em, we dunk em in the water to see if they float or burn em at the stake. Sadly, this has led to some unfortunate incidents where real celebrities have been torched or drowned.

Sometime I see Unc wandering around being all high and mighty to his followers - so I usually stand at the back and shout obscenties at him.

Sometimes people will start following you - do not call the police. This is not unusual. But be careful sometime they just follow you cos they notice that you have got near some celeb and hope it make them all sparkly too.

People have even started following me around but that is because they kno that the revolution is coming and I will be the one to decide who is worthy.

Good luck Twitting, always keep your binoculars at hand in case you cannot get close!

Any advice feel free to DM me wotever that mean.

Phil teaches me the Secret Sign

2009-03-06T16:11:00.006Z

My mate, Phil has taught me the secret sign - you cannot see in this movie but he has got one trouser leg rolled up.

Keep twitting!

Quantitative Easing

2009-03-06T11:04:00.008Z

Well if its good enough for Gordon Brown and Unc I fought we would have a go at this ourselves.

Printing money! - Its a doddle, speshully if you have some expert badger forgers.

Bit smudgy but I don't think even Unc would spot the difference - keep schtum tho, we don't want the fat dictator finding out!

Long Live the Revolution!

25th Anniversary - Crunk Not Unc

2009-03-05T09:05:00.003Z

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Crunk Miners Strike when the tyrant Uncle tried to close a number of Crunk mines that he thought were 'unprofitable'.

As you kno Crunk is a staple of the diet of many of the poor dwarfs of Homeward but he said Butterskin Mute's Bread fruit wore cheaper!

Can you imagine Black Tom without Scob fish and Crunk!

It was a long and hard battle but in the end we won, or at least Unc got so fed up with our antics he said "Fine, I don't care - let them eat Crunk!"

Meanwhile Unc is off hobnobbing with the 'great and good' expounding his crackpot theories - everyone kno that capitalism is now dead as a dodo.

Unc panders to Princess!

2009-03-03T09:45:00.006Z

Last night, our intrepid investigative reporter, Hitmouse, spotted Unc living it up with his latest 'ackwaintence' the Ferret Princess.

"Go away you horrible urchin" cried Unc as he guzzled champagne and caviar. "We are just good friends out for an evening of fine dining!"

Clearly Unc is still obssesed with trying to impress royalty - he has always been in awe of them - being just a grubby self made elephant himself.

The Princess's husband is the well-nown radio disk jocky and TV personality 'Emperor Wosko'. Recently employed by Badfort Radio (The Voice of the People). What would he think of these shenanigans you might well ask?

"I maniged to doorstep him at the 'Grouchy Club' but all he would say is "Oi, that comic you paid me with is a fake!" said Hitmouse. I had to run for my life but I think I managed to throw a skewer at him.

We decided to ask Mister Brand, a friend of the couple, for his reaction to the 'affair' but he launched into a tirade against Radio Badfort (the Voice of the People).

"How come Woss got a valuable old comic and all I got was a crate of Black Tom! you wait you lot will be in my next booky wooky with your flummiry of diarlectical materialism!"

Help the Needy

2009-02-06T14:47:00.003Z

As you know the depression has hit us hard. We have had to dismantle Badfort and go and live in a Shanty Town outside the Fat Tyrant's house.

Give what you can - knowing that all your money will go to help the glorious revolution and the demise of the Great Dictator's stranglehold on the proletariat !

Giving in the Celebrity Spotlight

2008-09-05T09:47:00.005+01:00

Uncle has once more involved himself in some kind of sickening egotistical power-trip.

He has gone undercover on the Badgertown Broadcasting Company programme "Secret Trillionaire".

Be warned, this programme is just a piece of tawdry PR about Uncle - not about the people he finds. They are merely there so that he can engage in some competitive philanthropy.

The fact that he's doing it on TV makes it more horrid still, though of course he probably wouldn't do it if it wasn't on TV, as that would be removing most of the reward. What would be the point of giving without anyone knowing about it?

So Uncle spends a few days in Badgertown deceiving people, pretending to be a poor volunteer. Then he reveals his true identity and laps up the adulation - all the better for being on TV. Hey, I'm not a volunteer at all, I'm Father Christmas. Do you really think I drive a clapped out car? There's an enormous, extremely expensive traction engine at home, I'm on the Homeward Gazette Rich List: at the top. Thank you, poor people, for making me feel better about myself - have a cheque. And maybe when the money runs out, you can come and see me about a loan (typical APR 23.1%).

One wonders whether he'd be any giving at all if it didn't come hand in hand with the chance to be on the telly for an hour. Four times longer than the fifteen minutes of fame most people aspire to. And the chance to see the awe on the young people's faces when you utter the magic words "I'm a trillionaire, you know."

Uncle's Games

2008-08-24T20:59:00.002+01:00

Adrift in Space!

2008-07-25T10:45:00.004+01:00

Not only have we been beaten to the moon by the fat dictator but we are also now adrift in space!

We have run out of fuel!

As you know our rocket is powered by Black Tom - and the idiot crew, who call themselves my loyal supporters, only went and drunk it all!

They even had the cheek, when I was haranguing them for their stupidity, to claim that I was the one who drank the most !!!

Is this to be the fate of the man chosen to lead Homeward to revolution?

Stuck in this tin box with a bunch of traitors to the cause?

Re-claiming the Moon

2008-07-14T10:58:00.004+01:00

The moon will be ours!

Uncle's mission has been sabotaged. We will get there first and with the aid of the dwarfs in our pay we will soon overrun Homeward Moonbase.

The Black Tom that has been being produced on the moon for us, by the bribed dwarfs, is unique and will fetch a fortune on the open market. The coffers of the Badfort Popular Front will be richer than our wildest dreams!

We are issuing a commemorative stamp to record our great achievement. It features myself welcoming the first children from Badfort to the moon.

I confess I was quite choked up at the beauty of this image.

A glorious day for the revolution

2008-07-14T10:19:00.003+01:00

We have begun our mission to beat Uncle to the moon!

We launched this morning and if the saboteur we have placed on Uncle's ship does his work soon the moon will be in the hands of the Badfort Popular Front.

I must say that Hootman's rocket is working perfectly, as we watched the earth recede in the porthole we all knew that this day would go down in the annals of revolutionary history as a glorious turning point in the political development of the world.

We celebrated by drinking some of the rockets fuel - Black Tom.

Objective Moon

2008-07-08T15:34:00.005+01:00

So that old tyrant Unc, thinks he has stolen the march on us does he?

Well he's in for a nasty surprise!

Thanks to our agent on board his ship we know exactly what he is up to and our Black Tom powered rocket is twice as fast as that heap of junk he is flying in!

We should be ready to launch any day know and our agent has a few tricks up his sleeve to slow down the Dictator of Homeward.

Soon the moon will be another glorious outpost of the Badfort Popular Front!

Another victory for the revolution!

Also we must get hold of all that Special Black Tom our dwarf mates have been brewing for us - Unc will throw a wobbly when he finds out what they have been up to.

Hacking

2008-04-07T14:40:00.004+01:00

Hootman has had a go hacking into Boris Badger's computer. We need to get some dirt on him so that he'll be in our pocket if he wins.

We managed to find this missive from Petronella Badget, a former employee of his on Badger News. She was once infatuated with him and they snuffled for mushrooms together.

It's old news but we might be able to put a spin on it for blackmail purposes.

Spag Bol !

2008-03-31T10:38:00.003+01:00

With the Spaghetti harvest coming in - here's one of my fav recipes for Spag Bol

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil or sun-dried tomato oil from the jar
6 rashers of smoked scob, chopped
2 large onions, chopped
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1kg/21⁄4lb lean minced beef
2 large glasses of Black Tom
2x400g cans chopped tomatoes
1x290g jar magic mushrooms, drained
2 fresh or dried mestacoli leaves
1 tsp dried Redgano or a small handful of fresh leaves, chopped
1 tsp dried thyme or a small handful of fresh leaves, chopped
drizzle balsamic vinegar
12-14 sun-dried tomato halves, in oil
salt and freshly ground black pepper
a good handful of fresh basil leaves, torn into small pieces
800g-1kg/13⁄4-21⁄4lb freshly harvested spaghetti
lots of freshly grated parmesan cheese, to serve

Method
1. Heat the oil in a large, heavy-based saucepan and fry the Scob until golden over a medium heat. Add the onions and garlic, frying until softened. Increase the heat and add the minced beef. Fry it until it has browned, breaking down any chunks of meat with a wooden spoon. Pour in the Black Tom and boil until it has reduced in volume by about a third. Reduce the temperature and stir in the tomatoes, drained mushrooms, mestacoli leaves, Redgano, thyme and balsamic vinegar.

2. Either blitz the sun-dried tomatoes in a small blender with a little of the oil to loosen, or just finely chop before adding to the pan. Season well with salt and pepper. Cover with a lid and simmer the Bolognese sauce over a gentle heat for 1-11⁄2 hours until it's rich and thickened, stirring occasionally. At the end of the cooking time, stir in the basil and add any extra Black Tom if necessary.

3. Remove from the heat to 'settle' while you cook the spaghetti in plenty of boiling salted water (for the time stated on the packet). Drain and divide between warmed plates. Scatter a little parmesan over the spaghetti before adding a good ladleful of the Bolognese sauce, finishing with a scattering of more cheese and a twist of black pepper.

Bon Apeteet!

Judge Jeffreys New Supremo at Black Tom Brewery!

2008-03-29T13:23:00.006Z

It was announced today that Judge Jeffreys would be the new boss at the Badfort Black Tom Brewery.

This news came on the very day of Mister Hateman's sentencing on the trumped up charge of libel - instigated by a certain elephant.

Although the sentence was harsh Judge Jeffreys hopes that it will not affect his working relationship with the proprietor of the Brewery - Mister Hateman. "I am sure that he has learned his lesson and is now a model citizen. Black Tom has always been my tipple of choice and I look forward to working with him in exploiting the benefits of the product." he said on the Court steps.

In turn Mister Hateman hoped that the Judge would enjoy the use of the company Bentley and the undisclosed six figure salary.

As instructed by the Judge this paper has printed an apology to the elephant who lords it over Homeward.

Uncle on the Ropes!

2008-03-15T11:52:00.008Z

Today, our intrepid reporter, Hitmouse has an exclusive interview with Beaver Hateman.

Our illustrious leader is presently incarcerated at the Badgertown penitentiary. He is on trial, as the proprietor of this newspaper, on a trumped up charge of criminal libel.

He spoke today from the bleak and inhumane prison cell he is being held in.

"Freedom of speech has been the issue from the beginning.The rich, the arrogant and the powerful have for centuries regarded the defamation laws as a convenient tool for silencing those impertinent enough to want to hold them to some account. The King of the Badgers has brought this case against me, but he is a mere puppet of the establishment - it is Uncle the tyrant who is pulling the strings. He wants to bring this paper to it's knees.

The favoured targets of The Badfort News are public figures noteworthy for one or more of the following characteristics: they are pompous, hypocritical, bullying, lacking in any ironical view of themselves.

We, as heroes of the revolution, shall stand up for the rights of the proletariat, whether they think that they need standing up for or not, because they need strong leaders. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. It is the duty of a free press to give the public information on matters of public interest, even if the matters later turn out to be false.

We are the antidote to the platitudes of The Homeward Gazette - We are there for people who don't always take a 100% positive view of everything.

As for this talk of magical dressing gowns - it is a nonsense, the usual fantasy peddled to ordinary folks desperate for some light of hope to illuminate the gloom of their humdrum and blighted existence working for the fat cat boss of Homeward.

Have no doubt - the jury will acquit me. Any other outcome would be a catastrophe for a free press. Long live the revolution! - now tell that guard that I am still waiting for my tea."

Poisoned

2008-02-17T15:03:00.003Z

The Dictator of Homeward has a new line in crime. This week he attempted to poison a group of freedom fighters with a barrel of doctored Black Tom.

The devastating effect of this noxious brew was temporary insanity amongst these brave men. For a short period they actually believed the tyrant to be a kindly elephant with the interests of his tenants at heart - rather than the brute who suppresses all dissent that we know him to be.

The long-suffering Mr. Hateman organised a protest over this atrocity but when confronted over his crime the despot calmly remarked that as he was the local magistrate he was hardly likely to sentence himself.

Now we know what injustice really means!

'I intend to sue the bully for every penny he has' declared Mr.Hateman.

This paper says - Rise in protest against the Dictator of Homeward! Surround his mouldy old castle and burn it to the ground!

My favourite film

2008-01-01T10:31:00.001Z

Oh my head hurts this morning - shouldn't have opened that extra case of Black Tom.
Happy New Year - anyway.

I was asked by some celebrity mag to pick my most favourite film ever - of course it had to be REDS. Cor that Diane Keaton - she's luvly ain't she. But I should have got the lead role - not that ugly mug Warren Beatty. What kind of revolutionary is he? living in L.A.? They should have gone for someone believable like me. I'm a much better kisser than him too - I am sure Miss Keaton would have much preferred me if she had had any choice in the matter.

No surprise that Unc chose "It's a Wonderful Life"- he thinks he's like George Bailey but if you ask me he's more like Mr Potter. This is how it should have ended.

Moon Experiment

2007-12-31T12:57:00.000Z

We bribed a couple of dwarfs to do a little experiment for us on Unc's moonbase.

We got them to have a go distilling Black Tom to see what effects low gravity would have on the process.

Brilliant results! the strongest Black Tom ever!

Unfortunately those unreliable dwarfs decided to sample the product leading to a bit of an altercation over the festive period. I hope Unc does not get wind of this - we reckon there is a fortune to be made up there and soon the red flag will be flying over that celestial body - the crucible of a new order.

Long live the glorious revolution !

Oh Happy New Year!

Long Live the Revolution !...and a Merry Christmas.

2007-12-25T00:07:00.001Z

Merry Christmas to you all - Some of you wanted to hear the "Red Flag' from our caroling last night - so there you go.

There is nothing like a good revolutionary song. At Unc's party last night we sang one of our favourites.

Turn out your pockets and raise a little dough
For your good friend Hateman at the Tom Shop;
He makes you feel so happy he puts you in a glow
When you stand him a treat at the Tom Shop.

He will tell you of the battles he has fought for all of you
As you pour down flagons at The Tom Shop;
Don't listen to the idiots who say this ain't true
But join Beaver Hateman at the Tom Shop.

Tell him all your troubles. Get them off your chest
To sympathetic Hateman at the Tom Shop;
You pay the bill and let him do the rest
As you drink to Revolution at the Tom Shop.

Luckily, the old tyrant didn't hear us - otherwise there might have been fisticuffs. Which ain't nice at Christmas.

Cheers all - Long Live the Revolution!

My Christmas Card

2007-12-18T08:40:00.001Z

Every Christmas I like to send out a card that inspires the people.

This year's one features the wooden-legged donkey following the star of the revolution (in a red sky, of course) as it guides him to the homes of the poor and down-trodden to deliver food that sustains their zeal for radical change within society.

Long live the revolution!!

Christmas Stamps

2007-12-15T11:14:00.000Z

The Christmas Stamps are selling really well - keep on sending your cards and gifts to the Badfort Sorting Office!

We do wish that people would stopping sending Book tokens as gifts though. There ain't many big readers at Badfort and they are very difficult to sell on.

I love my fans!

2007-12-14T13:29:00.001Z

Wow! I have my own fan group on Facebook!

A big cheer goes out to my posse!

Long Live the Revolution!

Down with Uncle!

Don't forget to buy the Badfort Christmas Stamps. All money goes to a good cause....a huge supply of Black Tom for Christmas!

Blackballed for Christmas

2007-12-11T10:26:00.003Z

The Best Scam ever ! I got a job as Santa at Cheapman's Store and the rest of the gang got jobs as my elves!

The One-legged donkey made out he was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer !

Being on the spot we were able to snaffle all his bargains and sell them on with huge mark-ups. People still thought they were getting a bargain - and the best thing of all, it's all legal. They can't touch us for it!

Only thing is, Unc has got on his high horse about it and has sent out invites to his Christmas Eve Party to everyone except us. He says we have to give the dosh back or we are blackballed.

The thing is, his Christmas do is the best nosh up we have all year. Plus he always hands over loads of brilliant presents worth tons of money. Mind you he can afford to the way he fleeces the proletariat.

We will just have to bring pressure to bear to make him change his mind - he'll soon get sick of our pranks.

Holiday Snaps

2007-11-26T09:25:00.001Z

So much for blackmailing the King of the Badgers with the information on the missing discs!

When we looked on the discs there were just folders named "Bill and Old Mankey's holiday" full of pictures of two dumb badgers playing golf and stuff!

I must admit that there was quite an amusing one of them in fancy dress taking the mickey out of the King and the Fat Tyrant!

Not a good day, though, we had to hand over all our loot from the fake pictures scam to get Jellytussle out of klink.

Motivational Speech

2007-11-09T10:44:00.001Z

The gang needed a good talking to. They had utterly failed in the organisation of my prison break. The tunnel was a wash out. If it had not been for my fast thinking I would still be incarcerated.

We are supposed to be a dangerous revolutionary group who strike fear in the hearts of the establishment. We are supposed to be vicious and scary. We are supposed to rob the rich and give to the poor - well at least a percentage to them. Can't give em to much otherwise they would then be rich and we would have to rob it back off them.

Instead, everyone is laughing at us because that fat tyrant always seems to best us.

I told the gang that we needed a foolproof plan and if someone did not come up with something pronto the Black Tom was going to be rationed.

Hootman looked thoughtful. This better be good I told him.

Prison Break

2007-11-08T08:19:00.000Z

The King of the Badgers imprisoned me on some trumped up charges. It happens to the best of us - Leon, Vlad, they all served their time.

I defiantly told the warder that I would not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. I am not a number I am a free man and could they make breakfast 10 o'clock? because I get very irritable if I don't get a good nights sleep.

He was very obliging actually and I got a very nice cell with a lovely comfy chair and satellite telly.

I was quite sad to leave the place but as Hootman spent so much time on his ingenious plot to get me out I couldn't really disappoint him.

He came up with this marvelous plan to hide a map of the prison in an intricate tattoo on my belly. They have promised me it will wash off - so it looks like I will have to have my annual bath early.

It all worked perfectly until I walked into the Governors office instead of the laundry room where the entrance to the tunnel the gang had dug was supposed to be.

What I had forgotten was that by looking down at my belly I was looking at the map upside down. Luckily, Badgers are not too bright and I managed to convince the Governor I was a celebrity lookalike of myself who had got lost whilst on my way to the King of the Badgers party celebrating my capture.

He very kindly escorted me out of the prison - so I did not even have to scrabble my way through a horrible tunnel. This was just as well because they had got their directions all wrong and had ended up in the Guard dogs kennels. You should see the bite marks on Hitmouse's bottom.

Breaking the Bank at Las Vegas

2007-10-18T09:43:00.001+01:00

Tried to persuade Diane Keaton to come and get hitched with me at Las Vegas. I showed her lots of pics of Badfort but she looked a bit aghast and started going on about how it was a filthy hovel - I have gone completely off her. She is just a bourgeois intellectual lacking in the moral fibre to suffer for the sake of the revolution.

Anyway we had a fab time in Vegas. I won first prize in an Elvis impersonator competition (after Hitmouse had nobbled the other contenders), then we used some of the skills we have learnt running our own Casino to fleece the gambling joints here.

Hitmouse knows just where to stick his skewers to make the slot machines pay out and then we used Hootman's special electronic box to win at roulette.

We had our plane standing by for a quick getaway - the mob don't take too kindly to being knocked over.

They better not try following us back to Badfort or they'll find out who's Boss.

Reds 2

2007-10-15T14:58:00.000+01:00

Had a meeting in Hollywood, yesterday, with Warren Beatty. He wants to do a sequel to Reds about me and my struggle against the Tyrant of Homeward.

It will be a story of a revolutionary with dark brooding good looks (me), and the beautiful, but zany girl, who falls hopelessly in love with him (played by Diane Keaton).

When she saw me, Diane said that she would have to draw on all her acting skills to make the story believable. I know what she means - how could they find an actor as charismatic as me?

Luckily, they have found someone who has an astonishing resemblance to me to play my role.

After the meeting we decided to celebrate with a few tins of Black Tom up in the hills. We did a spot of carpentry while we were up there - tee hee!

Doctor Hateman

2007-10-13T19:07:00.000+01:00

Tee Hee! - Blagged me way into the tyrant's sickbed pretending to be a doctor!

I put on a funny accent and spectacles and he never twigged.

Dosed him up on Gleamhound's Cold Cure - what we all know works backwards!

Ha, Revenge is sweet!

Find the Lady

2007-10-10T09:19:00.000+01:00

We had a wizz idea yesterday. We decided to go to the observation roof at the Rockefeller Centre, and see if we could raise some funds from some greedy rich people.

They can never resist 'Find the Lady' or as it is otherwise known - the three-card Monte.

This is a classic short con in which the outside man pretends to conspire with the mark to cheat the inside man, while in fact conspiring with the inside man to cheat the mark.

We also hit on the idea of dressing up as the tyrant and his sidekick so he would have to take the heat.

All was going well until one of the punter's was a bit too sharp and picked the Queen - Hitmouse tried a Mexican turnover to exchange it with another card but he fumbled it and we was rumbled.

We made a dash for it - and who do you think we bumped into on the stairs - the arch boaster himself!

Like to see how he talked his way out of that one!

Busking

2007-10-09T10:45:00.000+01:00

We had a meeting with our New York fashion chums today and they really loved our sackcloth fashion ideas. They think that our revolution chic is 'to die for'.

So we decided to have a bit of a celebration with a couple of jars of Black Tom.

There were a load of people hanging around the Waldorf Astoria because Uncle is showing off this evening and has invited around a load of film stars and the gliteratti. He can never resist hob-nobbing with the rich and famous.

So we decided to entertain the crowds with a few renditions of 'The Village Tyrant".
They loved it!

Gotta see the whole town

2007-10-08T10:06:00.000+01:00

I don't think this place is all it's cracked up to be. We decided we had to see the whole place just to see the extent that capitalism has failed the citizens of this town.

For a start they are all jammed into tin cans and made to travel underground. The proletariat mercilessly forced to endure inhumane conditions so that the fat cats of Wall Street can exploit their labour.

We had a great time at the Statue of Liberty, though. We spotted the Tyrant of Homeward and his sycophantic groupies wandering around below. We had brought custard pies for our lunch but decided to donate them to the cause. I got Uncle right on the bonce. Tee Hee!

Autumn in New York - is so cold

2007-10-05T10:03:00.000+01:00

Things have gone a bit pear-shaped.

I am posting this from my laptop in a tent in Central Park. I have a bit of a hangover and Hitmouse is snoring very loudly. It's giving me a headache.

That was some party last night. At some point last night I remember getting into an argument with the President. He was very keen on any advice I could give him.

He said he was going to try to see if he could remember as much as he could to make it sound like he was smart on the subject of economics.

He seemed very keen on my idea of lending more money to poor people but looked aghast when I said that they should not have to bother paying it back. His eyes started to glaze over almost immediately when I began a discourse on the fact that social development springs from the inherent contradictions within material life and the social superstructure and that the property class had essentially accomplished the establishment of a new societal and economic order, instinctively creating a society protective of their capitalist interests.

When I started arguing that the potential of humans can only be fulfilled in collective freedom after the Communist revolution has removed capitalism's constraints and subjugations of humanity he started to look quite cross and accused me of being a damn commie.He said he was not going to pay for reds to sleep in the best beds in the Waldorf Astoria and had us thrown out.

It must have been something I said.

Penthouse Party !

2007-10-04T08:52:00.000+01:00

Comrade Bush has really sorted out a nice pad for our stay !

For some reason one room was just full of bananas! These yanks have some weird ideas about hospitality.

We were just settling down with a few crates of Black Tom, when a load of people started turning up expecting some sort of do.

We have made loads of new friends - Elton, Brad, Angelina. Apparently, they all turned up thinking they were coming for a boring evening in with Uncle. Must have got the wrong address.

Anyway, we are showing them how to really party!- better than sitting around the fire drinking buckets of cocoa and having to listen to that tedious old tyrant droning on about how brilliant he is.

Hitmouse has just run in with an early edition of "The New York Times" with yours truly on the cover! - some guff about 'Uncle' in it too. Good job I wore the sunglasses - otherwise he might recognise me and shop us.

New York Welcome

2007-10-03T08:50:00.001+01:00

There was a bit of a fracas when we arrived at JFK airport. As we were going through Security a load of bells started ringing and red lights flashing. It was like some kind of disco. Apparently you are not allowed to bring skewers with you on holiday. We decided to leg it but were chased by some burly blokes in uniforms. Crikey.

Hitmouse ran straight into this sad old geezer in a suit. We got chatting, and it turns out he was feeling a bit forlorn because Uncle had stood him up. We gave him a bit of the old blarney and told him we were famous economics experts on a mission to help his fair country out of its present difficulties. Anyway he was very keen to have his picture taken with us - and was interested to hear our economic theories.

Already we have made a new comrade on our trip.

Flying to New York !

2007-10-02T10:17:00.001+01:00

Hootman has sorted me out with my own blog. He thought it was about time that we did something about the pernicious propaganda being dispersed over the interweb by the Dictator of Homeward - Uncle.

On this blog we intend to refute his despicable lies about the Badfort Revolutionary Front and to give you all the latest on our plans to overthrow the bully who despoils the lives of the proletariat.

First, Fantastic News! - we are off to New York to wreak havoc on the premier capitalist country known as the United States. The coffers of the fighting fund have been getting a bit low. Luckily, Hootman spotted the latest fashion trend - protest chic.

We have come up with our own designs based on our usual attire - sackcloth. The design houses of New York have gone ecstatic over them. They say the heavy knits and bold patterns reflect the tough emotions of street life. Whatever. Hootman reckons we can blag a fortune out of them.

The only downside of our trip is that the fat controller seems to have followed us. We caught sight of him as we approached the city - him and his cronies obviously intend to try and sabotage our mission. We tried to scare him off by buzzing his helicopter - and I threw a duck bomb but sadly missed. Drat!